You and Me Baby, Ain't Nothing But Mammals
by Lady Androgene
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Hibari Kyouya is not immune to the fundamental laws of attraction. Still, someone needs to explain to him why the National Geographic Channel is not the best place to seek dating tips. Mainly 1827 and D80, w/ a lot of side pairings. Ch8: Hibari and Tsuna hit the messier stages of puberty while Dino and Yamamoto flirt over adverbs and injuries.
1. Discovery Channel

Title: ** You and Me Baby, Ain't Nothing But Mammals**

Rating: **R** for Ridiculous (In FFN system, M for adult situations)

Pairing: Eventual D80 and 1827, with, in order of prevalence, Enzio/OC 6927, 8018, D18, 69D, and 6980. Will contain mentions of 6918, 692718, S80 and SD. In short, everyone is a slut (but especially Mukuro). The pairings are NOT the point of the fic, just saying.

Warnings: C-R-A-C-K. Cliché plot devices.

A/N: Written in omniscient third person and takes place during Tsuna and gang's high school years. Please be warned that if you're looking for deep, introspective fic with substance, this is _not_ it. This fic is shallower than Hibird's bath tub. It contains cheap lecherous jokes which may result to liberties with characterization to accommodate said cheap lecherous jokes. Fic and chapter titles come from the song _Bad Touch_ by Bloodhound Gang, which is all you need to know about the intellectual level of this work of fiction (that is to say, zero).

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me but the story. And Enzilla.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel**

Sawada Tsunayoshi wakes up one Saturday morning with the bone-deep feeling that today is going to be one of _those_ days, the kind where Reborn spends the day flinging golf balls at his gonads and calls it reflex training.

"You shall be training with your more eccentric guardians today," Reborn declares, looming over Tsuna like a knee-high harbringer of doom. "And by with, I mean against. And by eccentric guardians, I mean Hibari and Mukuro."

And just like that, Tsuna feels his balls instinctively retreating into his body cavity, and so he makes a futile attempt to crawl back under his duvet.

"You shall fight them both at the same time," Reborn continues, calmly ripping the covers off his cowering charge. "While I fling golf balls at your gonads. It's reflex training and combat training in one. "

Tsuna finally finds his voice. "Are you trying to get me killed? I can't possibly-"

"And if you try to avoid them by flying away," Reborn adds, steamrolling over Tsuna's useless protests. "I'll change the golf balls to a Leon rail gun."

"How is that even FAIR?" Tsuna wails. "I'm not going to last a single minute!"

"The Mafia business is hardly ever fair, Dame-Tsuna," Reborn retorts, before giving his student a fast smack up the head. "And stop being afraid of your guardians; it's pathetic."

"It's three of you against one of me," Tsuna argues desperately, as if simplifying things will change his fate. _Also you are all psychos_, he mentally adds. Seriously, if Reborn wants to kill him, he could go about it in an infinitely more efficient manner, like just straight up shooting him in the face. Oh. Wait-

"Hmph." Reborn frowns, contemplating for a few moments, and Tsuna holds his breath in the vain hope that for once in the crazy, explosive-filled cesspit that is his life, Reborn would actually ask for something doable, as opposed to the usual impossible. "Fine," the hitman says, with a dismissive wave of his tiny hand. "Let's not drag them to a one-sided deal."

Tsuna sags in relief. "Oh thank you," he croaks, leaning back against his pillows. Then his spine snaps straight again, because it suddenly occurs to him that the notion of Reborn actually acquiescing to his requests is a veritable sign of "things just went up shit creek so get ready to swim."

"I'll give you a partner," Reborn says with as much magnaminity as his baby voice is capable of, almost lulling Tsuna in false sense of security. Almost. "It's just as well, it's about time you tried working together."

Tsuna swallows past the lump in his throat. "Who?"

The door slams open, and Tsuna looks up to see his self-proclaimed older brother sporting a smile too dazzling for such a gloomy and soon-to-be-lethal morning. "Good morning little bro!" Dino sings, gliding inside. "Reborn told me we'll be working together for your training today! I'm so excited!"

"Dino-san!" Oh thank god. At least he has someone who knows how to handle the terrifying beast that is Hibari Kyouya. Not that he's signing himself off to dealing exclusively with Mukuro, but at least he no longer has to worry too much about what sort of tonfa upgrade he needs to look out for (last time, it was a mini-buzz saw that shot lasers ) while trying to protect himself from getting mind-raped (last time, it was a colourful mental slideshow of the many ways Mukuro would like to take over his body. Several had tentacles involved. It took him a full week for his mind's eye to stop weeping.)

And so, with that cheerful thought, Tsuna starts getting up to get ready for today's agenda of not dying.

Of course, his newfound confidence in his lowered mortality rate is spectacularly crushed when Reborn suddenly asks, "So how are Romario and the others enjoying Osaka so far?"

"Oh they love it," Dino replies breezily. "They're actually having a Takoyaki eating contest right now, and last I checked, Brutus was winning and Ivan tried to cheat by lining Romario's balls with wasabi- Tsuna, you've gone pale all of a sudden." Dino peers quizically at him. "Are you okay?"

Tsuna shakes his head and buries his face in his hands, telling himself he's too old to cry.

**0**

The sound of birds cawing in the air is deafening. Hibari actually blinks, as he considers the possibility that his impeccable hunter's hearing has suffered an unfortunate glitch. He could've sworn the baby just said—

"—I seem to have heard incorrectly Arcobaleno. Did you just say I'm supposed to cooperate with birdface over there?"

Mukuro's question immediately results to a tonfa aimed at his throat which he absently dodges.

"Don't call me that," Hibari hisses, pulling back. He turns towards Reborn. "Baby. What the hell is this?"

"It's a challenge, Hibari," Reborn replies, somehow managing to kick both his students forward with one foot. "Strategy is up to you, I'm not really particular about how you deal with this. You can pick one and fight him for all I care."

Tsuna immediately protests this. "But Reborn, that's kind of defeating the purpose of—"

"—Kufufufu, that's perfect," Mukuro interrupts delightedly, sounding like Reborn just handed him Tsuna's body on a silver platte and handed him a knifer. Which, actually, isn't that much far off from the truth. "I'm taking Tsunayoshi-kun then." Before anyone else can react, he grabs Tsuna's arm and drags him away, happily ignoring Tsuna's despairing objections.

Hibari glares at them, seething at the denial of getting first choice rather than the choice itself. Dino waves cheerfully at Tsuna's retreating, pleading face, before rounding on to his opponent.

"It's just like the old days huh, Kyouya?" Dino says, as he snaps his whip. "Shall we begin?"

Hibari responds by trying to break Dino's nose, which Dino gracefully dodges...

... by tripping backwards as he somehow entangles his shins with his own whip.

Hibari throws him one look of disgust before pulling his tonfa back into his sleeves and stomping off to where the pineapple herbivore and Sawada are, ignoring Dino's struggling form on the ground. When he catches sight of the ongoing battle, (Sawada's disentangling himself from a bunch of writhing snakes nipping at his belt loops and simultaneously slamming a flaming fist on the handle of Mukuro's trident), he is suddenly struck with a most curious sensation, that for a moment, he just stands there staring.

Usually, just the sight of Rokudo Mukuro sends a feral rage straight to his head, yet seeing Sawada Tsunayoshi fighting him now, it's like he's torn between two opposing forces- twin desires to do debilitating body injury to one individual and engage in several acts of indecency with the other. It feels strange, though he's still on the fence if it's entirely unwelcome.

But who is causing what? With the unnerving scrutiny of a hawk searching for prey, he focuses on Rokudo first, eyeing the smooth swinging arcs of his trident, and the impertinent curl of his lip, as he whispers something that seems to throw off Sawada's guard for a moment, if the flush staining his cheeks is any indication. Immediately, Hibari feels a familiar violent urge to throw Rokudo down to the ground and make him suck on the business end of his spiked tonfas.

Hypothesis proven, he then shifts his line of vision to Sawada and his swift, calculated movements, observing how the flame on his head serves to illuminate his rare, calm expression. Hibari's mouth runs dry. He feels a similar violent urge to throw Sawada to the ground...

And make him suck on something else entirely.

His eyes narrow at this realization. If he recalls his basic biology lessons correctly, his reaction could be likened to attraction.

He's _attracted_ to _Sawada Tsunayoshi_. How odd.

He hears steps from behind him. "Kyouya! You can't just leave -"

Hibari swings his arm back without looking and Dino crumples to a heap at his feet. Annoyance dealt with, he moves to stand beside a nearby pine tree and continues his observation.

Cable TV and nature documentaries are partially responsible for the current structure of Hibari's life philosophy. He lives by the strict rules of predator and prey, carnivore and herbivore, hunter and hunted, primarily because these rules are simple, logical and devoid of external judgment, elements of which are practically non-existent in the chaotic cesspool that is human society.

If he's to be completely blasé about it, he could describe his life's basic movements in three settings: Eat, fight, sleep. Learning and education figure along the way, but they're more of a by-product of survival rather than a pure necessity; he has to do something between eating, fighting and sleeping after all.

Now however, in his ripe age of eighteen human years, it would seem like nature is reminding him of a fourth basic setting, and that no, this time, self-sustenance is sorely inadvisable for long term relief.

Hibari is nothing if not disciplined, and if the natural order of things requires the participation of another human being, then he's duty bound to abide by it.

He watches as Sawada's nimble body swings sideways to avoid the otherwise fatal strikes of Mukuro's trident, all fiery danger wrapped up in herbivorous skin. He realizes that this isn't the first time he is feeling this strange heat- and vaguely remembers a future that concluded with burning wings. Or marshmallows. Something to that effect. Unconsciously, he licks his lips.

He hears a gasp and glances beside him to see his so-called tutor's gaze zeroing in on his-

Oh. So that's explains the chafing feeling in his pants. He absently remembers that this is indeed a normal occurrence in sexual attraction.

He watches impassively as Dino scrambles up, eyes darting between Hibari and the ongoing fight below, looking like he badly wants to say something but his survival instincts are staging an intervention.

Hibari turns his attention back towards the fight, deciding to be generous and end Dino's miserable curiosity. "Sawada Tsunayoshi," he says. It's better to clear this up right away before his herbivorous teacher gets any dumb ideas and assumes he suddenly became napposexual or something equally revolting.

"My brother," Dino says slowly, holding a hand over his forehead as if recovering from a daze. Strange, Hibari 's certain he didn't hit him _that_ hard. "You are getting turned on by my_ little brother_."

"He fights well," Hibari says tonelessly. "He has an adequately prepossessing facial structure. Also, he just applied flaming blunt force trauma on the back of that pineapple herbivore's skull. It pleases me." Hibari really doesn't need to justify anything to his mentor, but recent realizations have put him in a strange charitable mood.

Dino stares at him some more and then opens his mouth to say something but is prevented from doing so by a vicious golf ball hitting him smack on the forehead. Hibari automatically side steps the one aimed at him.

"You are supposed to be fighting," Reborn says, in a voice that manages to carry the gentle promise of a hundred shotgun shells despite the baby pitch. "Neither of you are even bleeding yet."

Hibari immediately starts forward to remedy that statement, but is halted by the discomfort of his current predicament. He glares hatefully at it. What a nuisance.

Reborn follows his gaze, his eyebrows raising, as surprised as he ever gets. "Well," he says. "You're his teacher Dino."

Dino pales. "What? Oi Reborn, this isn't-"

"-I'm giving you one minute to get rid of it," Reborn cuts in nonchalantly, tuning out Dino's sputtering, as he turns back to shoot golf balls at the other pair.

Hibari looks at his so-called tutor expectantly. "Well?"

Dino is currently in a quandary. Never, in his life as a Mafiosi, has he ever guessed he'd be teaching his student how to deal with a boner in the middle of training. And why the hell is Kyouya taking this all so casually? Normal people would probably want to expire from mortification right now. Then again, his irascible student has the emotional range of a teaspoon, and probably wouldn't be embarrassed if someone caught him jacking off with a watermelon. In fact, he'd probably be all "You just interrupted my solitary ritual of sexual release, prepare to be bitten to death" and hit the guilty party hard enough to erase that scene from their memory banks forever.

Dino blames that golf ball to the head for making his brain come up with that disturbing imagery.

"I'm waiting, herbivore."

"Dead kittens," Dino hurriedly supplies.

Hibari's eyebrow twitches.

"Waterlogged corpses?" Dino tries again, taking a step back. Hibari steps forward and meaningfully activates the new buzz saw feature of his tonfa.

"Zombie porn! Dicknipples! Goatse! Sparkling vampires!" Belatedly, Dino realizes that he's been throwing out disgusting mental images without telling Hibari what to do with them, but it's too late now.

Hibari attacks.

Dino squeezes his eyes closed, bracing himself for a femur-shattering blow and makes one last ditch attempt. "Naked Lussuria in a sequined thong!" he yells, his voice carried by the wind and echoing among the trees.

The distant sounds of fighting abruptly stop and Dino opens his eyes to find himself unharmed, and Tsuna, Reborn and Mukuro staring at them.

Hibari turns to glower at his audience, unwittingly giving them an eyeful of his little problem. "What are you staring at?" he growls.

The unholy glee on Mukuro's face makes Dino's skin crawl. "I'll tell Fran to pass the message to the gaylord, Kyouya-kun!" he cheerfully calls out. "Though he prefers his bodies a little bit on the dead side, but of course, I'd be happy to arrange that for- "

"-Mukuro!" Tsuna chastises. He glances at Hibari briefly, his face an awful mix of embarrassment and incredulity, then averts his eyes. One of his hands reach out to Mukuro's chin to forcibly turn his gaze away as well, a rather ineffective but well-meaning action to protect Hibari's modesty. "I'm so sorry Hibari-san! I'm not judging you I swear!"

Reborn, little bastard that he is, just tips his fedora forward and smirks.

Hibari's slowly turns around to face Dino again, murderous intent radiating off of him in waves.

Well. At least that whole exchange seems to have cured the problem.

Dino runs anyway.

**0**

Of course training is a disaster.

Tsuna just has enough time to grab Dino and fly away before the Cavallone Tenth meets his unfortunate demise between the ground and his pet turtle's scaly foot.

Apparently, whatever weirdness happened out there between his big brother and Hibari had driven Dino to desperation deep enough for him to pull out his one great super move, which could aptly be summarized as "Fuck this shit, it's time to chuck Enzio in the nearest body of water."

"Hibari-san! Mukuro!" Tsuna calls out, worrying as he sees no trace of his two guardians amidst the detritus the giant Enzio was making.

"Dame-Tsuna, don't worry about your guardians; they're your opponents now remember?" Reborn scolds from his perch on the Leoncopter, as Dino claws his way up to fasten his arms around Tsuna's neck. "Try not to drop Dino, as his death will result to the unfortunate souring of relations between Vongola and Cavallone."

Dino's right ankle is presently doing something unpleasant to Tsuna's spleen but that's probably because Reborn is still shooting golf balls at them and maneuvering in the air while your 175 pound big brother is clinging to you like a limpet is kind of difficult.

"I'm sorry Tsuna," Dino says tearfully. "I was under pressure to get rid of Kyouya's hard-on."

Tsuna fails to avoid the next golf ball. "Dino-san," he says wearily, wincing at the bruise surely forming above his solar plexus. "This is exactly the kind of thing you don't tell me when I'm trying to save ourselves from getting bludgeoned to death."

"It's not because of Lussuria, I swear!" Dino plows on vehemently. "He's not Kyouya's type, trust me."

"I really wasn't judging," Tsuna says, hoping his neutral tone conveys his absolute lack of interest in pursuing this line of conversation.

Reborn of course, gets the hint and does the complete opposite. "What caused that anyway?" he asks, punctuating his question with a deliberate shot to an area below Tsuna's belt.

Tsuna moves quickly to the side, ensuring the future of the Vongola line for at least another minute. The whole thing feels so surreal. Here he is, giving his brother a piggyback ride several hundred feet off the ground and getting pelted with golf balls amidst a monster turtle rampage and for some insane reason, his companions think that this is is an acceptable time to discuss his cloud guardian's untimely erection. "Can we not discuss this while we're trying to stop Enzio from destroying half the forest?" he pleads. Then after a short pause, he adds, "Can we not discuss this _ever?_"

"I'm not sure I'm supposed to tell you," Dino answers Reborn, in an astounding display of selective hearing.

"And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to change these golf balls to throwing knives," Reborn replies, a line of blades already at his disposal.

"Alright alright!" Dino shouts, nearly rendering Tsuna deaf in one ear. "It's-"

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), Tsuna doesn't get to hear the answer because a new higher-pitched roar rips their attention away from the matter at hand and they all look down at the new development taking place.

Tsuna squints. Did Mukuro just create his own illusory giant turtle? And does it have ribbons and _blue hair_?

"Her name's Enzilla!" Mukuro calls out from his perch on his abominable creation's shell, the kanji for three flashing sharply in the red of his eye. "I think your pet likes her, Cavallone!"

Rule # 69 of being Sawada Tsunayoshi: If he thinks a situation couldn't possibly get any more bizarre, one Rokudo Mukuro will always find new and exciting ways to prove him wrong.

"Tsuna..." Dino whispers, fear palpable in his voice. "Your crazy mist guardian is seducing my turtle."

Tsuna closes his eyes, thinking how wonderful it would be to live in a world where he never heard that sentence. Damn that rule #69.

Dino makes another wordless sound of distress and Tsuna, with nerves too shot to pay heed to his hyper intuition, opens his eyes and looks down.

And he immediately shuts his eyes again, because it's either that or enter a self-induced seizure at the sheer _horror_.

**0**

"Wao." Hibari watches from an outcropping on a nearby cliff, entranced. Hibird twitters shrilly in his ear like it's protesting something, which is utterly ridiculous because there's no way Hibari's going to pass this shit up. It's like Nat Geo iMax only way better.

As trees fall down like matchsticks and wild turtle roars of a different tune slice through the air, Reborn makes a mental note to change Mukuro's criminal status from dangerous psychopath to evil genius, because really, one's gotta give credit where credit is due.

- TBC -

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Post A/N: Oh yeah, turtle porn unf unf! I refuse to be responsible for any violent desires for mental scrubbing– I did put Enzio/OC _explicitly_ in the summary.

Anyway, I stated in my profile before that I will no longer upload new content here but it didn't feel right signing off without a farewell fic. So this is it. I actually started writing this 4 years ago, but then real life came in, and it stayed buried in the deep recesses of my WIP folder, at 60% completion. Was browsing through my files last week, saw this and randomly decided to suck it up and try to finish it, despite not having read past the Shimon Arc. My track record with chaptered fics is not perfect but I assure you I will finish this, if only because it's the last. And also because I want to produce something substantial for my beloved crack OTP (D80), which is never written, EVER.

Yamamoto finally makes an appearance in the next chapter, which should be up in a week or so.

'Til the next update, y'all.


	2. Mop and Bucket

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay, real life is being very uncooperative at the moment. Hope the 5k word count of the chapter makes up for it. I don't have a beta so if you spot any mistakes, gross OOC-ness, or anything that offends your sensibilities kindly let me know.

As always, C&C's are appreciated! I'm not going to be one of those authors who require x amount of reviews to upload the next chapter, but I do write faster when I get feedback, just putting it out there. :D

* * *

**Chapter 2: Love, the Kind You Clean Up With a Mop and Bucket**

"I have gathered you here today," Dino says to his grand audience of two (three if you count Enzio dozing on the table), "For a matter of utmost import." He looks around at the vacant seats with a frown. "Yamamoto, where are the others?"

"Gokudera says he doesn't have time for this; Ryohei-senpai has boxing club. The kid says he's too busy polishing his gun," Yamamoto answers, ticking off people one by one with his fingers. "And you told me not to invite Chrome because you don't want to risk Mukuro finding out, and you said Lambo should not be aware of this at all costs." He gives Dino an apologetic shrug. "So it's just me."

"And me, boss," Romario pipes up, ever the reliable right hand, even if he's sporting that long-suffering look he gets when he knows his boss is about to do something supremely embarrassing.

Dino's shoulders hunch down. "Oh well, more pizza for us then."

Yamamoto takes notice and merrily grabs a slice from an open box and puts it on a plate. "So what's this about?"

"Well," Dino starts, plopping down onto a chair. "I need a second opinion on something."

"About what?"

"Boss wants to form a mutually exclusive alliance between two unlikely parties and he's recruiting accomplices," Romario says.

"_Allies_, Romario, allies."

"Fellow scapegoats."

"Romario! You say it like I'm planning a crime," Dino complains. "I'll have you know that what I'm about to do is a benevolent act of pure human good will."

"Boss," Romario answers patiently, "The last time you did something out of pure human good will, you ended up with a small-scale gang war, a gargantuan fluorescent penis painted on the high walls of the Cavallone headquarters, and equine afterbirth in the west-"

"-How was I supposed to know she was married to the illegitimate son of the Rossi Don? I can't turn down a lady in need Romario, what kind of a hooligan do you think I-"

"—This_ alliance_," Romario interrupts turning to Yamamoto, before Dino could further grouse about Romario's disappointing lack of faith and derail the discussion to places he never ever wants to look back to, "Is really a fancy way of saying m—"

"—Mission!" Dino shouts, now sounding every bit as crazy as he looks. "Yes, this is a good will mission!"

"Yes," Romario exhales, pushing his glasses up. "A possibly suicidal good will mission."

"A good will mission to connect people," Dino corrects.

"A crazy and very much _optional_ good will mission," Romario insists.

"So, like a side quest to the mafia game right?" Yamamoto clarifies.

"Yes, Yamamoto, that's exactly it!"

"No, it's not boss," Romario says, and decides to put a stop to this ridiculous charade once and for all. "_Matchmaking_ is exactly what it is."

This earns him a scowl from his boss but when Dino looks back at Yamamoto, his eyes hold that kind of look small children usually get when they're caught with one hand in the cookie jar.

Yamamoto folds his arms. "So you called us over here to play _matchmake_r?"

Dino hangs his head, readying himself for rejection. Ha. Rejection from Yamamoto, that's gotta be some kind of new low or something. "I was trying to make it sound cooler and more official sounding, but um. Yes?"

To his delight (and Romario's consternation), Yamamoto actually laughs. "Sounds interesting! Who's involved?"

"Hibari Kyouya and Sawada Tsunayoshi," Romario replies, hoping that the names are enough to make Yamamoto change his mind about what he's about to agree to. It's not that Romario's objecting to a relationship between the Vongola sky and cloud guardian; he's objecting to his boss' insistence in taking part of it. He's already long accepted the fact that Dino Cavallone has the survival instincts of a kamikaze pilot as long as his family, Sawada Tsunayoshi and Hibari Kyouya are involved, but as his right hand man, it's Romario's duty to curb it, or at least be around to provide some semblance of resistance, should Dino take it too far.

And really, you don't have to be a genius to figure out that meddling with the potential love life of an agoraphobic sociopath like Hibari Kyouya is the very definition of _taking it too far._

"Hmm. Interesting_ and_ challenging. I like it already!" Yamamoto says, eyes twinkling. "Can you give me a recap of what happened?"

Romario reminds himself that he's not allowed to knock his head repeatedly on the table. Of course it figures that his boss would get an enabler on the one time he badly needs someone to knock him down a peg or two. If it's Rokudo Mukuro or Gokudera Hayato in Yamamoto's stead, Dino would only have to mention Hibari's name before the immediate murderous intent would choke the rest of the words right out of his mouth. Romario never imagined he'll see the day where he'll be willing to enter a discussion with the Vongola male mist guardian or the storm guardian over the rain, but a lifetime of dealing with the hyperactive lunacy of his boss has a way of setting his priorities out of whack. Resigned, he shakes his head and reaches for a pizza.

Dino on the other hand, would've stuck his tongue out at Romario and gloat but that wouldn't do much for his already fragile credibility, so he opts to take the high road and simply regale Yamamoto with the background info he rightly deserves. "You know that Tsuna and I had training last Saturday right? Well…"

He then gives Yamamoto an accurate, if somewhat biased summary of last Saturday's training, or as Romario calls it, the "Forest Destruction via Reptilian Schtupping" incident. Yamamoto nods and laughs at the right moments. He gives no sign of surprise at all, not even when Dino tearfully recounts his pain upon witnessing his precious Enzio engage in wild passionate congress with Mukuro's foul creation.

And this is why Dino likes Yamamoto. They live in a world where the encumbrance limits of one's sanity is tested on a regular basis, what with superhuman babies, time-travel bazookas, monster turtles and magical bullets in the fray. Anyone else would be struck dumb with the utter weirdness of this life, yet Yamamoto takes it all in stride, like some freaking avatar of _zen_.

But _then,_ Dino gets to the part touching on his favourite little student's unprecedented display of sexual intent.

That's when Yamamoto pulls a time-out.

"Wait- hold on," he says, leaning forward, brow scrunched up in disbelief. "Hibari got turned on watching Mukuro and Tsuna fight? Are you serious?"

Trust Yamamoto to readily believe in monster turtle copulation yet harbour doubts about his upperclassman's budding sexuality. Dino nods. "Dead serious."

Yamamoto gives a low whistle and leans back. "Wow, that's unbelievable. I mean, I've always thought Hibari was asexual or something."

"I know right?" Dino exclaims, glad that someone is seeing the situation his way for once (no thanks to you Romario). "It's like seeing a unicorn or something. A unicock!"

Only a deeply embedded sense of professionalism (and alright fine, fierce and eternal devotion to his boss) keeps Romario from facepalming at that god-awful pun. Sometimes, it's really difficult to believe that this is the same man who saved the Cavallone family from imminent financial ruin. Romario chalks it up to quarter-life identity crisis of the childhood regression sort.

To nobody's surprise, Yamamoto laughs. "Good one, Dino-san!" he says, sounding genuinely impressed. Dino beams.

Romario sighs. Peas in a pod, the both of them. At least Yamamoto has the excuse of being a teenager.

"Well anyway," Dino continues. "I wasn't sure if I should interfere but then I had a bad omen last night."

"Omen?"

_Oh here we go,_ Romario despairs inwardly.

"Last night," Dino starts solemnly, "I dreamt that Tsuna had a heart attack upon seeing Kyouya drop his pants in front of him."

Yamamoto's eyes widen in concern. "That's terrible!"

"That's what I was telling Romario, but he just laughed!" Dino says, shooting Romario a resentful look before rounding back to Yamamoto. "I mean, it's clearly a sign."

"A sign that you've gone past passing interest and jumped straight to mild obsession over this," Romario deadpans.

"No, it's a sign that I have to do something so that Kyouya doesn't sabotage his budding romance with Tsuna with his…" Dino does a weird waving thing with his hand as he gropes for the right words. "…caveman methods of seduction!"

"Haha, come on, I'm sure Hibari's not that bad," Yamamoto says. "He's just a bit… unorthodox."

"You weren't there Yamamoto," Dino says, with a dramatic shake of his head. "Kyouya was _studiously_ watching Enzio banging Enzilla, like he's getting tips from it or something. No offense Enzio," he adds, nodding towards his turtle, which has woken up and is nibbling on the pizza crusts Romario left on the table. Enzio may or may not have given his owner an affronted little blink.

Yamamoto taps the side of his chin thoughtfully. "Well he does like nature documentaries, so it must've been a treat for him."

"Well yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, Kyouya's a jerk and a total ignoramous when it comes to human relationships, so someone needs to step in and provide him with much needed guidance."

"That's all well and good boss, but Hibari-san is only one half of the equation," Romario points out.

Dino blinks at Romario, confused. "What are you saying? Tsuna's a total sweetheart, and he's adorable to boot. I don't need to worry about him treating Kyouya right!"

"Hmm, but Romario has point," Yamamoto says hesitantly. "Tsuna… well, he doesn't exactly bat for the same team."

"Yes, exactly boss," Romario remarks, jumping on any chance for Yamamoto to acknowledge the obvious fact that this whole shebang is five kinds of insane.

To Romario's chagrin, Dino hand waves it away. "I know that," he says. "I mean, I looked at every angle. I even researched the existence of a sex changing bullet, but so far, the last test bullet resulted to the eyes and nipples exchanging places, and while that's a very novel experience, I can't imagine that it would be very pleasant."

Romario turns a little green.

"No it wouldn't," Yamamoto agrees.

"But then," Dino continues, "I just thought that if Tsuna's anything like I was- which he is, I am certain, because Reborn said so, he should still be in the correct age for… experimentation."

"Experimentation huh?" Yamamoto muses thoughtfully. "Maa, I suppose so."

Dino could have kicked himself for not noticing the obvious. "Wait – you're Tsuna's age!" he exclaims, pointing to Yamamoto. "Have _you_ been feeling up to experimenting?"

Yamamoto doesn't reply right away but he raises his head to meet Dino's eyes, an unreadable expression on his face. For a moment, Dino wonders if he somehow offended him. Which is an extremely worrying thought, because you have to be some kind of giant douchecanoe to offend someone like Yamamoto Takeshi.

After a few moments, Yamamoto's expression resumes that relaxed state of carefree disheveledness. "Yeah," he finally replies. "Who isn't?" He then grabs another slice and bites down, using his tongue to gather the string of mozzarella cheese stubbornly clinging to the rest of the slice. "Man, this is some_ serious_ pizza," he says, and punctuates it with a pleased "mmmm" sound.

For some mind-boggling, perverse reason, the sight is suddenly doing disturbing things to Dino's groin.

He swallows. No way. No_ fucking_ way. He is Dino Cavallone, Decimo of the third most powerful family in Italy, and he is not a creepy pervert who gets turned on by watching high school sophomores eat pizza. Even if they're really attractive high school sophomores with enough natural charm to dominate the soul of even the severely menopausal.

"What about you, Dino-san?" Yamamoto prods, when Dino doesn't say anything. He sucks some errant tomato sauce from his forefinger and looks at Dino inquiringly. "Have _you_ outgrown experimenting?"

Okay, Yamamoto's inherent charisma may make it difficult to tell when he's being serious or making a pass, but there is absolutely no way that last bit wasn't deliberate. Well, two can play at that game. Yamamoto may ooze sex appeal out of his pores but Dino isn't a mafia boss for nothing. Dino's smile is a bit wobbly, but he manages to let out a very smooth, "I'm _always_ in the mood to experiment."

"I see." There's a strange glint in Yamamoto's eyes, and Dino's fairly certain it's not because of the pizza. He doesn't break eye contact as he takes a drink from his soda, lips closing around the tip in a way that makes Dino irrationally envious of the bottle. "That's good," he says, setting the bottle down with a definitive thud.

Then he smiles.

And it's _that_ kind of smile. Yamamoto _cheats._

Dino now fully understands where Reborn (and on some level, Squalo) is coming from when they say that Yamamoto is a natural born assassin. Because Dino can tell right now that Yamamoto does not need his sword to disarm opponents; he could just eyesex the hell out of them until they suddenly notice that they're missing a limb. Only in Dino's case, he's not missing a limb, but is currently forming something akin to one, right between his-

The sound of Romario clearing his throat couldn't have had better timing.

"A- Anyway, I'm going to be a good teacher and volunteer to inform Kyouya about the dos and don'ts of homosexual courtship," Dino says, injecting a measure of determination in his voice to cover up for his ridiculous flustering. _"_I just need someone to make sure Tsuna won't run away when Kyouya makes his move. You know how he gets."

Before Yamamoto can reply, Romario intercepts. "Boss, with all due respect, your agreement with Reborn regarding Hibari Kyouya's training only includes battle tactics," he says. "You didn't sign up for sex ed."

Dino frowns, but is inwardly grateful for the opening with which to distract himself from Yamamoto's sudden pizza-driven aura of sexy. "Romario, my turtle has a better sex life than Kyouya does," he argues, opting to ignore the relevant bit where Enzio's girlfriend happens to be the unholy lovechild of Godzilla and Rokudo Mukuro's twisted imagination. "Also, dearly though I love my student, he is still, frankly, one of the most emotionally retarded dicks I've ever met in my life. He needs to be guided into the correct social paradigms if he wants to get anywhere with Tsuna."

Yamamoto doesn't comment, but he does laugh at that, reverting back to happy jock mode, as if the previous weird exchange didn't happen. Dino convinces himself that he's not disappointed with that.

"Boss, if that's your argument, then Enzio has a better sex life than seventy percent of the Mafia," Romario says. "Also, you do realize you're using your _pet turtle_ to justify your meddling right?"

Dino does not budge. "Yamamoto will help me. Right?" He throws the Vongola rain guardian his best beseeching look, and tries not to notice how pretty Yamamoto's mouth is when it's red from hot sauce. He's normally above employing kicked-puppy tactics but desperate times call for desperate measures and Romario's not exactly being helpful. "Because deep inside," he soldiers bravely on, "I know Tsuna has his own hidden urges to be bitten in the throes of manly carnal relations. And I also know that deep inside, Kyouya can be nice to people. Well, those he doesn't want to kill too badly at least."

Yamamoto tilts his head sideways. "Do you mean 'deep inside' in the same sense as 'deep inside, the moon is really made of cheese' which is theoretically possible, but you'll just need some weapons grade excavation to find out?' "

Romario fights back a chuckle. Reborn wasn't kidding when he said Yamamoto is more astute than he looks.

Dino's lower lip trembles into what he will emphatically deny is a pout. "If I say yes, what will you say?"

There's a slight pause, as Yamamoto sits up slowly, his brown eyes turning knife-sharp for a split second before mellowing to its usual state of tranquillity. He flashes Dino an easy, reassuring grin. "Let's start excavating then."

Dino's happy smile could blind a man at twenty paces.

Romario shakes his head, and makes a mental note to restock the medical kits.

**0**

"Oh Kyouya~!"

Hibari automatically hurls his paperweight at the intruder's general direction without looking up from the documents he's perusing. The lack of a yelp and the distinctive sound of porcelain crashing against the concrete wall indicate that Dino has dodged successfully. Oh well. The thing was an eyesore anyway.

"Was that the pony figurine I gave you last Christmas?" Dino asks, glancing at the shattered remains that are hurriedly being swept away by Kusakabe.

"Yes. Get out."

Dino ignores him and plops down irreverently on the black leather couch. "For your information, that was an authentic Cavallone heirloom you just tried to kill me with," he says, with a childish pout. "You wound me Kyouya."

"No I didn't. I missed," Hibari replies flatly, as he affixes his signature on a school play proposal. "Or do you want me to try again and make that statement come true?"

"You're so uncute," Dino mutters, and scrambles to duck the cup Hibari pitches at him. It hits the back of the couch, and rolls down, Dino's parka stopping it from heading over the edge.

"Tea, Dino-san?" Kusakabe asks, appearing at his side with a celadon pot.

"Yes please," Dino answers, holding out the cup Hibari threw at him, as Kusakabe pours. Hibari says nothing so Dino assumes that this is his moody student's way of letting him know he's being permitted to stay in Hibari's presence for a few minutes longer. He takes a sip, and almost burns his tongue. He makes a face, and puts the tea down on the table to cool, then turns back to Hibari. "Don't you want to know what I'm here for?"

Hibari ignores him and proceeds to drop several papers in the paper shredder. Dino sighs, stands up and walks over to his pupil's desk, making sure to cast an obnoxious shadow on Hibari's papers.

Hibari finally glances up from his work, eyes narrowed in warning.

"I'm here to help you out with Tsuna," Dino announces cheerfully, not budging from his position.

Hibari grips the pen in his hand like he wants to stab Dino with it. "What gives you the idea that I need help on anything?"

Dino makes a tutting sound that he knows will irritate Hibari. "Denial is always the first obstacle in the path of romance," he says wisely, before taking a precursory glance out the window, smiling slyly when he catches sight of Tsuna, Gokudera and Yamamoto chatting while waiting for their turn at the school pool.

He timed this meeting perfectly. It's 09:20 in the morning, which means that Hibari has already had his breakfast AND his morning fill of inflicting latecomers and out-of-dress-code students with his personal brand of disciplinary justice. More importantly, it's also the scheduled Swim P.E. for Class 2-B, the venue of which happens to be situated for an ideal view from the DC office windows on the 4th floor.

Which means that despite two recent attempts to disfigure Dino's face, Hibari is in a _good mood_, for he has had Tsuna's ass in his direct line of vision for the past twenty minutes.

"Cease your gibberish or I'll bite you to death," Hibari answers with an irritated huff. Dino's smile widens, because this is a much better response than what he's expecting; Kyouya would normally have winged the heavy-duty stapler at him by this time. So he pushes his luck.

"You have a really nice view up here," Dino remarks, absently checking out Yamamoto's broad, glistening back.

"It's necessary to catch all misbehaviour happening in my school," Hibari replies, going back to his papers.

"Yeah, among other things," Dino says, and opens the window for a better look.

The sound of pen scratching on paper stops. Hibari follows Dino's line of vision, and for some reason, suddenly feels aggravated. "I ought to bite you to death for staring indecently at Namimori students."

Dino whips back around, holding his hands up in protest. "I wasn't looking at Tsuna!"

"Who you're looking at is irrelevant."

"Like you don't do the same thing."

Hibari is unfazed. "Unlike you, it is my duty to observe all students in my school."

"Sure," Dino says flippantly, turning his attention back to Yamamoto's ass. "Whatever you say, Kyouya."

Hibari growls, and in a flash, Dino's backed up against the open window, a tonfa pressed against his windpipe. "You are doubting me?"

Dino, all too used to his student's use of violence as a second language, just stares back knowingly. "You like Tsuna don't you?"

The non-sequitur throws Hibari off a bit. "Like?" he scoffs, adding pressure to Dino's throat. "Don't be absurd." He's Hibari Kyouya. He eats fear for breakfast and washes it down with the quivering tears of emasculated herbivores. He does not_ like_ anyone, least of all the king of herbivores, though he will admit to tolerating some people more than others.

"Okay, sorry let me rephrase the question," Dino says, carefully adjusting his position to avoid accidentally falling out the window. "There are things you would _like_ to_ do_ to him."

He appears to have done the correct thing because Hibari nods. "Yes."

"So you _want _him then."

There's a vast difference between like and want, and Hibari is well aware of it. "Yes." He sees no reason to lie. Lying is for herbivores who want to hide weakness, and he is not a herbivore, nor does he have a weakness to hide.

Long and well-earned experience has taught Dino that for all Hibari's status as Japan's apex predator, he is laughably easy to bait. Dino does his best not to sound too pleased with himself. "And you always get what you want, don't you?" _Hook._

The corners of Hibari's lips slowly turn upwards, feral and sharp, all teeth and lips. "I do."

Dino fights down the grin threatening to bloom on his face. "Well then. How are you planning to do that?" _Line._

At that, Hibari frowns. He really hasn't thought that far. He's aware that human social rituals are infinitely more complicated than those of animals, which is a major setback, because everything would be so much simpler if he only needs to kill the competition to claim exclusive rights to his chosen mate. As it is though, from what he knows of human behaviour, there does exist a loosely defined process for obtaining the end result of copulation, but everything is a mind-numbing process of trial and error. More importantly, there are two variables that Hibari needs to consider 1.) the fact that Sawada Tsunayoshi is male and 2.) there has to be mutual consent. Hibari's smart enough to know which of the two is more difficult to deal with.

Conclusion: Being human _sucks_.

So, not liking it, but knowing the necessity, Hibari shakes his head. "I don't know."

_Sinker._ Dino wraps his fingers around Hibari's wrist, taking note of the lack of resistance, and leans a bit forward, his voice carrying the soft finality of a coup de grâce. "I do."

Hibari eyes Dino appraisingly for a few moments, and Dino stares back calmly, neither breaking contact. Then, with a decisive flick of his wrist, Hibari removes the tonfa from Dino's neck and steps back.

"I'm listening."

**0**

Tsuna surfaces and quickly taps the edge of the pool, pushing out his wet hair from his eyes whilst filling his lungs with quick sharp intakes of air. He looks around and is pleasantly surprised to see that he isn't last place this time. As it should be; Reborn has been making a sincere effort to hone Tsuna's swimming skills by tossing him overboard every time they're in a motorized water vehicle. Sometimes there are sharks involved.

Today is shaping out to be a pretty good day. He woke up on time, managed to defend his breakfast from Lambo, got to school with minutes to spare, and just recently found out that he passed his geometry test. As far as school days go, this is definitely one of the better ones, and it's not even third period.

He climbs out the pool, shivering slightly at the cool morning air, and smiles at Gokudera, who immediately heaps praise upon his amazing fish-like performance, and together, they make their way towards Yamamoto. Yamamoto pats the spot to his right as he simultaneously hands Tsuna a water bottle, which he accepts gratefully.

"So Tsuna," Yamamoto starts, slinging a friendly arm around Tsuna's thin shoulders. "I heard from Dino-san that you had an interesting training session last Saturday."

And just like that, Tsuna's good mood plummets. "Yeah, it was… interesting," he mutters, unwilling to say anything more. _Interesting like watching a train wreck, that is_. If he isn't underaged, he'd have drunk his weight in alcohol back then to jumpstart the process of scar tissue forming over his memories.

"Yeah, I heard Hibari had a little tent problem in his pants," Yamamoto says, laughing. "I wish I was there to see it."

Tsuna accidentally chokes on his water. He cannot, for the life of him, understand why everyone seems to be paying unusual focus on that section of training. A part of his brain has not stopped screaming yet at the close-up view of giant turtle cock, for god's sake, does no one care about that?

Gokudera worriedly pats Tsuna's back, before shooting a disgusted look at Yamamoto. "Gross. Why do you even want to see something like that?"

"Well it's Hibari, you guys. The most sexual thing I've heard about him are the wang jokes about his tonfa," Yamamato says blithely, and Tsuna instinctively looks around to check that Hibari's not in any position to hear them blaspheming his choice of weaponry. " Dino-san put it in a better way though- it was like seeing a unicorn!"

It takes all of Tsuna's force of will to stop from slamming his head unconscious against the wall, because now he has giant turtle cock _and _word association of his cloud guardian's erection to fantasy equines stuck in his brain. Honestly, is there anyone in his family who isn't dedicated to destroying his sanity?

Gokudera recovers first. "Shut your filthy mouth, you heathen!" he yells, aghast, and for a split second, Tsuna actually thinks that someone else is taking issue with Yamamoto's careless discussion of Hibari's privates, until Gokudera follows this up with, "How dare you besmirch the name of the most revered of mythical beasts?"

"Haha, you're so funny, Gokudera! I just meant that it's rare, like urban legend rare."

Gokudera snarls, but before he could go through his usual cache of Yamamoto-specific insults, their P.E. teacher calls him. "Gokudera Hayato! Please get in line for your test."

"Tch. I'll be right back Tenth," Gokudera says, smiling at Tsuna then glaring at Yamamoto. "Stop being gross, Baseball-freak."

As soon as Gokudera is out of earshot, Yamamoto turns to Tsuna, his expression now unusually serious. "Does it really bother you Tsuna?" he asks.

Tsuna forces out a smile. "Well, it's not that bad," he lies, feeling a little guilty for being so damn sensitive. "I'm just not used to discussing those kinds of things so casually that's all."

Yamamato breathes out a sigh of relief . "That's good," he says, leaning back. "I was worried you'd be uncomfortable talking about it, seeing as you're the one who brought it out of Hibari."

There's a moment of stunned silence, as Tsuna briefly considers that he's going deaf too, on top of going crazy. Because there's no way Yamamoto said what he thinks he said. So Tsuna just responds with a very eloquent, "Buh?

Yamamoto grins and taps Tsuna's nose playfully. "Hibari wants to bone you."

The last protective layer of Tsuna's psyche has now reached critical levels.

"Isn't that great? Haha, I've always thought you were special, Tsuna."

In a desperate, last-ditch attempt to stop himself from completely entering systemic failure, Tsuna blurts out, "But I'm not a girl!"

Yamamoto shakes his head. "Tsuna." There's a sombre edge to his voice, and his eyes hold none of their usual mirth. It sufficiently convinces Tsuna to hear out whatever else Yamamoto has to say, even though his hyper intuition is making a valiant rear guard action against it.

Yamamoto places a heavy hand on his shoulder. "There comes a time in every man's life where he has to play the homo litmus test game."

Tsuna dimly hears the sound of his mind fracturing into a thousand tiny shards.

"But don't worry too much about it, okay?" Yamamoto continues, sporting his customary good guy cheery smile this time. "I'll help you figure it out. That's what friends are for, right?"

Tsuna says nothing but he does make a sound like a sheep stuck in a fence.

Yamamoto deems that as a good enough response, and pats Tsuna's leg in what he hopes is a comforting gesture. He gets up just as the previous batch of swimmers end their turn, and walks away to take his own test, trusting Tsuna to Gokudera's care.

As Gokudera's hysterical shrieks permeate the edges of his hearing, he looks up at the fourth floor window, sees a flash of blond hair, and grins.

-tbc-

* * *

Post A/N: Yamamoto's my fandom bike and I fangirl him like a woman possessed, but man, he is such a_ bitch_ to pin down, because I always agonize over having to find the right balance between his happy-go-lucky jock and deadly assassin personality. Hibari, on the other hand, is such a joy to write, even though he's one my least favourite characters. What the hell, brain.


	3. Put Your Hands Down my Pants

**A/N**: This chapter contains a bit of D18. Guest review replies are at the bottom.

* * *

**Chapter 3: So Put Your Hands Down My Pants, And I'll Bet You'll Feel Nuts**

Admittedly, when Dino said he knew what to do to get Tsuna in Hibari's hands, he really meant it in a "The Big Brother Knows Better Than You" kind of way, and not the "Complete Idiot's Guide to Seducing Herbivorous Mafia Bosses" way but apparently, Hibari seems to think Dino belongs on the second camp, because he actually looked disappointed that Dino didn't just hand him a fifty-page instruction manual on How to Get Into Sawada Tsunayoshi's pants.

Well too bad for Hibari, because Dino's not planning on handing him any shortcuts. "Okay, first of all," Dino says. "I want to know what you would do, barring any influence from me, or other external sources." That should be a decent start. After all, the first step to every matchmaking plan is finding out what the subject knows, and determine how much work needs to be done.

"I will tell him that I am attracted to him and that he's my primary choice of partner," Hibari replies, not taking his eyes off the tonfa he's currently cleaning. "And if he agrees to enter a partnership with me, I will move that we make it official—" His fist wraps around one end, the microfiber around his palms wiping off thumbprints and blood with vicious precision, "—and thus proceed to the fucking."

Apparently, the subject needs all the work that can be afforded to him. _Oh Dio, grant me patience, _Dino prays to the ceiling before pasting a smile on his face to utter his honest opinions on the matter. "Um," he starts. "No, Kyouya... just. No."

"What do you mean_ no_?" Hibari asks testily. "I'm considering his consent first. And isn't fuck the term you herbivores use?"

"Look, you just can't do things like that, Kyouya," Dino explains patiently. "I mean, at least take him out to dinner first."

Hibari scowls. "Why?"

"Because," Dino starts, racking his brain for the best way to explain this to his student in terms he'll understand. "…You're not a caveman."

Dino suspects that must have been the wrong thing to say because the "my so-called tutor is a total moron" vein on Hibari's forehead is beginning to twitch.

"How remarkably astute of you," Hibari says with barely concealed condescension. "Did you honestly think that I would be so barbaric as to club Sawada over the head, drag him off by his hair and have my way with him? I am certainly more considerate and civilized than that." He puts down the tonfa he's cleaning, looking almost resentful. "Though that would make things much simpler."

"Yes, I know Kyouya, I also regret that times have changed so much than a man can no longer impress a mate simply by howling and beating his mighty chest.," Dino says with mock seriousness, and dutifully notes that the sarcasm seems to have sailed over Hibari's head, when Hibari nods as if in agreement. "But see, these are modern times, so that's not gonna cut it anymore. Instead, there are these social customs we shall hereby refer to as _dating_."

Hibari glares at him with severe, eviscerating intent. "Do you take me for an imbecile, Cavallone?" he snaps. "I know what dating is."

"Oh," Dino says, brightening up, as he mentally shaves off a fourth of his proposed courtship lessons from the '_Taming of the Shrew: Sociopath Edition_' lesson plan. "That makes this easier then. Do you want me to tell you what kind of dates Tsuna would enjoy? Or maybe—"

"—Who said I'm going to date him?" Hibari interrupts, making a face like Dino just suggested they go out and step on baby chicks for fun. "Dating is annoying. Herbivores crowding in a dark, moldy enclosed space and doing lewd, disrespectful things where they run the risk of getting caught while other herbivores remain oblivious... It's disgusting."

"Whoa whoa, Kyouya, I don't know what you watch on television these days, but a quickie in a closet does _not_ count as a date."

"Closet?" Hibari repeats, looking mildly baffled and irritably so. "I was talking about going to the movie theatre." The addendum _'idiot'_ is left unsaid.

"Right," Dino says with a nervous laugh. "Well, there are many ways to go on a date you know, not just movies."

"Most of which involves going out and being seen with other people."

"Well, that's… kind of the whole point."

"It's a stupid point," Hibari argues vehemently. "I can watch a movie, eat dinner, and engage in private activities in the sanctity of my own house." His eyes flash wider as if a light bulb just lit up in his brain. "In fact, that would be much more efficient. It should still suffice as dating if I bring Sawada Tsunayoshi straight to my room to do all those things, correct?"

_You are a disrespectful and lazy child_, Dino wants to say, but he rather likes living, so he just says, "Tsuna's not that kind of boy. Stop taking shortcuts."

Hibari chooses to ignore that last statement. "So that's your advice? Date him?"

"That's the recommended social response to get what you want, yeah."

"Then this is all completely frivolous," Hibari declares, in tones suggesting Dino's imminent future as an invalid if he does not pick up the pace. "I'm not interested in what other herbivores do with their own time."

Dino claws at his forehead like he wants to wipe this whole idea off. "I thought you wanted to know how to woo him?"

"I said no such thing," Hibari replies, scowling. "I don't even like him. He's always getting into trouble, letting himself be crowded by stupid herbivores, and calling me his cloud guardian like I'm supposed to answer to him. "

"You know Tsuna does not think that Kyouya. He doesn't even want to be a mafia boss to begin with."

"He should stop being an herbivore, and own up to his title. He has a duty to fulfill, and he should cease with his foolish attempts to shirk it," Hibari says, steel eyes flashing with malcontent. "He is powerful. But he is not the boss of me. And I want to put him in his rightful place."

Dino folds his arms. "And what is his rightful place?"

Hibari smirks. "On my bed, on his back with me between his legs."

Dino admits he totally walked into that one.

"But I am not so uncouth as to demand this without consent," Hibari continues, frowning. "To get his consent, I need him to want me back."

"Well you're doing a shitty job," Dino snaps, because Hibari's stellar imitation of a giant bag of douche is starting to make him regret taking on this good will mission. "Carry on like that and Tsuna's not going to want anything to do with you _ever_."

Hibari's eyes narrow and he rises from his seat, tonfa handles waiting for active duty underneath his palms. "I don't remember asking for your opinion," he grits out. "You're the one who forced yourself to assist me. If you can't do that, then get out, and stop wasting my time."

"Fine! Be that way!" Dino shoots back angrily, jumping up from his seat. "You know what, maybe I should just leave you with your ignorance and let that slimeball Mukuro have Tsuna then—"

Dino abruptly shuts his mouth as he is slammed back into his chair, the pointed tip of the back of Hibari's tonfa coming dangerously close to his right eye.

"Say that man's name and Sawada Tsunayoshi's in the same sentence again," Hibari whispers, voice brimming with barely suppressed rage, his right knee digging painfully on Dino's left thigh. "I dare you."

Dino gulps. "… Like I was saying, I'd be happy to adjust the lesson plan to things most relevant to your interests."

Hibari reels back, face back to its usual indifferent hauteur. "Good. I want to know what to do in bed," he says in a blunt, business-like tone. Then he smirks. "He'll end up there eventually."

_You're a cocky, ungrateful, teacher-abusing little brat, and I must be out of my mind to set you up with my little brother_, is on the tip of Dino's tongue. But since he foolishly sent Romario out to accompany Kusakabe to do whatever it is right hand men do together, he can only eke out: "Okay. Let's start with the proper sequence of doing things."

Satisfied, Hibari nods. "That's more like it." Then all of a sudden, he leans in, fists Dino's shirt and tugs forcefully, making Dino's breath hitch. "You're my teacher right?" he whispers, in a way that makes nice little shivers race down Dino's spine. "So_ teach._"

On the other hand, that shouldn't have sounded as hot as it did.

There might be hope in Hibari yet.

**First hour:**

"You need to get him in the mood. Turn him on," Dino says, "That's the most important thing."

"Mood. Noted. How do I do that?"

"Well, you can start by not dressing up like you're going to school."

Hibari's brow furrows. "What does my attire have to do with anything?"

"Look, I'm aware of all that "true beauty lies within" stuff, but on a date, first impressions matter, therefore appearance matters. And well, sorry Kyouya, but your armband is a veritable mood killer. But—" Dino hurriedly appends, before Hibari can initiate the usual violence that occurs whenever someone takes potshots at his most treasured article of clothing, " I mean that in the sense that it's already associated with punishment and discipline, and that's not what you want to impress on Tsuna's mind while you're trying to seduce him."

Of course, Hibari finds this utterly ridiculous. "My coat and armband command respect," he argues. "What other impressions do I need?"

"Are you impressing the people around you or Tsuna?"

"Do you mean Sawada Tsunayoshi is not impressed by my uniform?"

"I did not say that, and no, that's not even the point!"

Hibari glares at him, and turns to his armband like it holds better answers.

Dino runs a hand through his hair, and tries to pull out something from his meagre knowledge of Hibari's thought processes. "Look, you know how peacocks have these fancy feathers to impress females right? That's what we're going for."

"You mean plumage."

Dino sits up. "Yes! Exactly!"

"Ah." Hibari nods in complete understanding. "I see. You should've said that in the first place."

"Well, sorry, I don't speak bird," Dino says, but notes it for future reference. "Anyway, you have to _channel the peacock_," he continues, painfully aware of how retarded that sounds, but knowing fully well that this is the best way to connect to his student. "Render him speechless with your devastatingly stylish clothes and stunning good looks." _Since you need to compensate for your shitty personality somehow,_ goes unsaid.

"So, I have to… shop for new clothes?" Hibari asks, unsurprisingly sounding unenthusiastic with the prospect. It's quite possibly the most normal sentence Dino has ever heard from him.

Luckily for Hibari, Dino's got his back on this one. "Don't worry about that," he says confidently. "Leave it to me."

Hibari eyes him with blatant scepticism.

Dino feels that that is completely unwarranted. "Kyouya, I hail from Italy, the fashion capital of the world," he insists. "Trust me, I know peacock level plumage when I see it."

Hibari gives Dino a once-over, taking note of the green, fur-trimmed parka, brown khakis and dark brown leather shoes. "Considering that you dress like a tree, I find that hard to believe."

"Hey, these are Versace and Armani originals!" Dino replies indignantly, clutching his parka and glaring balefully in his student's direction. Who the hell is Hibari to mock his clothes? His idea of impressive fashion is a polyester armband attached with a freaking safety pin for god's sake. "And I don't dress like a tree!" he adds with a huff.

Hibari just gives him a bored look. "I don't know who those people are. But fine. Take care of it. If you make me look ridiculous, I'll bite you to death."

Dino knocks back the urge to retaliate by saying what_ he_ finds ridiculous (coughDCpompadourscough), but he's a Mafia boss, and a very professional one, even if dealing with Hibari on a non-fighting setting is slowly crushing his soul. "Anyway, after you've taken care of your plumage, you now have to work on your flirtation techniques." He pauses, before hesitantly adding: You can start by reducing the death threats."

Hibari snorts, and that's all Dino needs to know as to what Hibari thinks of _that._

"Well fine," Dino sighs, and wonders for the nth time just what exactly he got himself into. "You'll have to learn how to entice him with small visual cues then. See if that's easier."

Hibari raises one eyebrow. "What kind of visual cues?"

"Lots of ways really. Be subtle. Draw his attention to your most attractive features," Dino replies. "Tinker with your cloud ring to draw attention to your well-defined collarbones. Polish your tonfa as slowly and meaningfully as possible. Hold eye contact while eating pizza seductively in front of him."

"Pizza?"

"Ignore that last statement. Music could also help the atmosphere," Dino adds, "To set the mood."

"Music," Hibari repeats quietly. Hibird chirps on his shoulder and they exchange a glance.

Dino sighs. "No, Kyouya, the Namimori School song is not appropriate canoodling music."

Hibari actually looks a little put out.

Dino fights the urge to bury his face in his hands and sob. This is going to take a while.

**The Second Hour:**

"There's a meter stick for this kind of thing," Dino explains earnestly. "Moaning is good. Crying is bad. Screaming is generally good, so as long as it's not "Rape" or "No!". If he calls you god, you are doing a good job."

Hibari considers this carefully. "What if he calls my name?"

"Well, it's generally a point to you, unless it's followed by 'you filthy pig!'"

Hibari's eyes glint as if in recognition. "Is that what herbivores refer to as 'dirty talk'?"

"No Kyouya, that's what we call an insult to one's sexual prowess."

"I see." Hibari dismisses this as highly improbable, because there's absolutely no way that Sawada Tsunayoshi will call him a filthy pig, if he likes his vital organs the way they are.

"Besides," Dino says, leaning back on his chair. "You don't want to go the dirty talk route, trust me."

"And why not?"

"Oh Kyouya," Dino shakes his head regretfully. "That's too advanced for you."

As expected, Hibari immediately bristles at the ludicrous notion that there's anything he cannot do. "Are you calling me incompetent?"

Dino has to dig his fingers on the couch armrest to stop himself from running out the room screaming. "Look, everything that comes out of your mouth is a threat," he says, in the most placating manner he can manage. "Threats are not sexy. Well, generally speaking. So don't go there." He sees Hibari's fingers slowly curling around his tonfa and immediately adds: "Besides, it's beneath you. If you're good, you don't need to talk. Actions speak louder than words after all."

Hibari appears to consider that argument. "Does this mean it's not sexy to call him herbivore in bed?"

"_No_."

**The third hour:**

Dino stares. And stares some more.

"...Well?"

Dino thinks fast. "That's okay! It's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean!"

Hibari narrows his eyes. "What?" The bronco herbivore is being an idiot again.

"I meant it's a very uh, compact size!"

The room temperature suddenly drops several degrees, as Hibari slowly rises from his seat, voice low and deadly. "Are you suggesting that my penis is inadequate?"

"No!" Dino immediately replies, before Hibari can kill him where he stands and do unspeakable things to his corpse with a stapler. "I mean, I'm saying it's very... Japanese!"

Hibari glares at his former tutor and takes a mental note to include "being a blithering idiot" to the list of punishable offenses in the Namimori by-laws. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Look," Dino tries another tack. "Maybe you're a grower."

"You'd better start making sense in your next sentence or I will personally ensure that you remain speechless for the rest of the day."

Dino likes his mouth the way it is, even if he doesn't trust it most of the time, so instead of speaking, he decides to do something else with it.

**The fourth hour:**

He still ends up with a split lip, at least three cracked ribs, and his butt aching from literally getting kicked out the room, but at least he can rightfully say he caught the Hibari Kyouya by surprise, and that most importantly, he's a grower (and a mighty big grower at that), which means that his little brother won't be getting the short end of the stick here (pun fucking intended).

Then after a few minutes, Hibari drags him back in again, presumably to stop him from disgracing Namimori's sacred halls with his unsightly, battered presence, then demands a synthesis of all the lessons they've had so far.

It is quite possibly the most bizarre keynote presentation Dino has made in his entire life.

**0**

Tsuna taps his pencil in a slow staccato pace on his English text book, tuning out the droning voice of his teacher. His eyes land to his left, on Yamamoto, who is currently busy not listening and texting someone on his phone. He thinks back on their pool conversation, and how it ended up with Gokudera nearly decimating the school pool to get Yamamoto out for an explanation.

"_I always knew you were special Tsuna. Hibari wants to bone you."_

Tsuna's cheeks burn as he remembers the words, and the casual way Yamamoto said them. It's not that he's entirely ignorant of this sort of thing- he's always known in a strange, detached sort of way that it's not that uncommon for boys to like other boys. On the flip side, it's also not totally unheard of for boys to hate other boys but enjoy screwing them.

Theoretically, Hibari can belong to the latter group.

Tsuna shakes his head. _No. Get a grip, Dame-Tsuna, _he berates himself, for even making that consideration. Yamamoto's pulling his leg. Or being delusional, attributable to excess inhalation of chlorinated water. He has to be because any other alternative is unthinkable.

"Tenth."

Well okay, maybe not unthinkable, because here he is, thinking about it.

Still. It's absurd. There is absolutely no way that _the_ Hibari Kyouya would want to do those kinds of things to a herbivore like him. Yamamoto wasn't even there when it happened. What the heck did Dino tell—

His eyes widen. Dino-san! Yes, he'll clear this out. Yamamoto was probably reading too much on it, and probably heard "Tsuna" when Dino was actually saying "Turtle." Or something. Although, he doesn't think it's any more probable that Hibari was turned on by Enzio. That's actually pretty disturbing.

"Tenth."

He vaguely remembers Mukuro laughing himself sick while Hibari chased Dino around the forest, right after he yelled out something about Lussuria and sequins. But Dino had assured him later that it _wasn't _Lussuria, and Tsuna always trusts Dino's words, especially when it's about Hibari.

So what, it's either Tsuna or Enzio? If it's Enzio, then why? What does Enzio have that Tsuna doesn't? Aside from having the ability to squish humans like little bugs, given specific water levels, and shrink himself to be the right size to fit in Dino's pocket that is. On his part, Tsuna is often the one on the squished end, and he definitely won't fit in Dino's pocket no matter what he does.

... Is that what turns Hibari-san on in the first place?

The heat spreads from his cheeks to his arms, and he fights down a groan. Is he seriously comparing himself to a mutating turtle, and competing against it for Hibari's affections? And is he losing? Wow, even his own brain is mocking him. Reborn's gonna have a field day with this.

"Tenth!"

Gokudera's worried voice jolts him out of his reverie. He turns to his side and looks at his right hand man.

"Are you okay?" Gokudera mouths.

Tsuna forces out a smile, his fist tightening unconsciously. "Of course, Gokudera-kun, why wouldn't I be?"

Gokudera points at Tsuna's desk. Tsuna follows his gaze, confused.

Then he realizes that the pencil he is clutching in his hand is _on fire_.

"Hieee!" he screeches, and in his panic, he accidentally throws the burning implement at the front of the class, where it lands on Sakaguchi-sensei. Specifically, Sakaguchi-sensei's linen shirt. There's a collective gasp from the class, a second of silence, as Tsuna's classmates stare at him, then at their teacher.

Of course, with Tsuna's luck, what happens next is a given.

**0**

Tsuna stands rigidly in front of Hibari's large oak desk in the DC office, wondering how a day that started out so well is about to end so miserably and possibly with broken bones.

"I have to commend you for your sheer nerve, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari says, without looking at him, steel blue eyes running over the incident report prepared by Kusakabe. "I've seen many transgressions in this school but this is the first time I've had someone set his teacher on fire."

"I didn't mean to…" Tsuna mumbles to Hibari's pink rabbit paperweight.

"Oh? And I suppose the pencil just spontaneously burst into flames and launched itself to your teacher?"

"I was… distracted."

"Distracted." Hibari puts his pen down and narrows his eyes at him. "By what?"

"Um…" Tsuna starts, desperately trying to think of a way to answer that question without sounding like a crazy person. He couldn't possibly admit to Hibari that the reason he somehow activated his dying will flames unconsciously was because he was seriously debating the merits of his cloud guardian being attracted to his big brother's pet turtle, could he?

Luckily, he is saved from answering when the door is flung open.

"TSUNA!" Dino barrels into Hibari's office, looking wild-eyed and out of breath. "Is it true?" He quickly closes the door and scoots beside Tsuna before Hibari can launch his new paperweight at him. " Did you light Sakaguchi-san on fire?"

Tsuna bites his lip. "It was an accident!"

"Ha! Good job, the guy's a total jackass," Dino says, and immediately cowers at Hibari's glare. "I mean, that's very bad Tsuna, you naughty boy. Don't do that."

"You should've thrown something bigger," Hibari scolds, as he turns back to the report. Both Dino and Tsuna throw him questioning looks and he shrugs. "Well, he_ is_ a jackass herbivore."

Tsuna wrings his hands. "Is he okay?"

"The school nurse says he needs two weeks of therapy," Dino answers, and snaps his fingers. "Which reminds me- guess who your new substitute English teacher is?"

Hibari rolls his eyes while Tsuna smiles tentatively. "You?"

"Yeah! Haha, it's like old times isn't it!" Dino beams, slinging an arm around Tsuna and turning to Hibari. "Now you can't tell me I have no business being here, Kyouya."

"Whatever," Hibari says, and slams the papers down on the desk, making Tsuna jump and Dino wince. "Now, Sawada. It's time to exact the penalty for your actions." He stands up, his newly polished tonfas twirling to place, and relishes the nervous look on the herbivore's face, especially the way those warm brown irises are dilated with fear.

Hibari's gait is slow, but deliberate, biding his time. Tsuna unconsciously takes a few steps back, knowing he's just prolonging the inevitable but unable to stop the reflex. His back hits the wall. Hibari smiles and raises his arm. Tsuna squeezes his eyes shut and braces himself for several worlds of pain.

Hibari has just finished deciding that he will not strike Sawada's face because it's cute and it pleases him, and that he'll just give Sawada the mild inconvenience of a damaged kidney, when Dino makes wild waving motions with his hands, and hurriedly types something on his iPad. Two seconds later, the words 'BL Cliché' Punishment' marquee across the screen.

"… What the hell is BL?" Hibari asks irritably, arm still poised in mid-air and realizes he asked that out loud when Sawada's eyes crack open, nonplussed, and Dino is looking like he wants to slam his face onto his tablet.

"Hibari-san?"

Hibari says nothing but he drops his arm and makes angry eyes at Dino, so Tsuna turns towards his big brother. "Dino-san, what's going on? What about BL?"

"Broken legs," Dino blurts out. "... is not really a justifiable punishment for something like this, Kyouya."

"Oh." Tsuna breathes out a sigh of relief. Dino-san is so kind, using his teacher privileges to stop Hibari from shattering his knee-caps. He makes a mental note to invite Dino over for dinner to thank him.

Hibari wants nothing more than to skin the pony herbivore alive for usurping his authority and giving Sawada an entirely wrong impression of what he's about to do. But Cavallone has also successfully planted the idea that this punishment could be used to his advantage, so he'll settle for just giving his mentor the damaged kidney later. Making a quick decision, he grits his teeth and pulls his tonfa back in his sleeves. "He is correct. Currently, there is nothing in the handbook detailing what sanctions to give offenses of this nature."

Tsuna blinks. "So… I'm not getting punished?"

"Oh you will be. But I shall first need to come up with a suitable punishment." Hibari strides back to his chair, and jots down _Sawada Tsunayoshi: Pending Punishment_ on an orange post-it note. "I will inform you when and what it is once I've deliberated on it," he says, sticking the note on the upper right hand corner of his computer monitor." He graces Sawada with a cool look. "You are dismissed ."

Tsuna doesn't need to be told twice. He gives Hibari a little bow, and hurriedly walks out, Dino at his heels.

"Not you, Cavallone. Stay."

Dino stops by the doorway and motions for Tsuna to go ahead without him. However, he doesn't walk back into the room. Instead, he only turns around just enough to look at Hibari. "I have to attend the staff meeting, Kyouya," he says apologetically. Then he checks to see if Tsuna's fully out of earshot before turning back. "I know you'll miss my wise teachings but worry not! Yamamoto will be dropping by to give you some fresh perspectives."

Hibari frowns. "Yamamoto Takeshi?" Is Cavallone seriously expecting him to take lessons from an underclassman?

"Yeah. That boy gets around, believe me," Dino says, with a fond little smile. "And he's been around Tsuna longer than I have so he might be able to answer your more specific questions."

Hibari hates to admit it but Dino has a point. Besides, he's seen what Yamamoto Takeshi can do with a sword, so he makes it to Hibari's 'Tolerable Herbivores Shortlist.' "Fine."

"Great!" Dino checks his watch. "I have to go Kyouya, but I'll see you tomorrow!" And before Hibari can reply or throw something at him, Dino closes the door and leaves. A few seconds later, a loud metallic crash and Dino's familiar undignified yelping resound throughout the corridor, and Hibari feels a bit vindicated. Annoyed as he is that his mentor escaped the punishment due to him, it would disrupt the order of his school if teachers cannot attend the requisite meetings, so he supposes he could let this one go.

Hibari looks at the clock, notes that it's twelve minutes until the end of classes, and waits.

**0**

"Sorry Hibari, I got some errands to run today, but I got you some study materials!" Yamamoto then hands Hibari a DVD lightscribed with a lurid image of unicorns with rainbow manes, frolicking across a field, with the words "Double Trouble, Twincest Yoga Masters Edition" written in crude marker in the middle. "Oh, and don't mind the cover, that's the only blank cd design available in the store."

"… What the hell is this?"

Yamamoto grins. "Well, in your case, it's called a documentary on human mating rituals. I just call it porn."

"Pornography. You're giving me _pornography_." Hibari has yet to decide whether to punch the rain herbivore in the face for his audacity, or give him three seconds to provide a suitable explanation. Yamamoto is looking at him with that stupid, too-happy smile which annoys him, so he goes with the former.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For wasting my time. "

"What, that's perfectly good porn."

Hibari turns away. "You shouldn't have bothered. I already have quite a collection."

"You do?" Yamamoto's eyes light up. "Want to swap?"

Hibari clocks him across the jaw again, harder this time. "I should bite you dead for your insinuation," he snarls. "They're not mine. I confiscated them from that perverted doctor."

"Oh that's alright then," Yamamoto says, rubbing his slightly swelling cheek. "Mine is special. By that I mean, it's boys doing boys." He grins victoriously when Hibari pauses and appears to give it some consideration. "Believe me, it's awesome porn _and_ good reference material."

"I see." Hibari turns the DVD in his hands. "You are certain this is informative?"

"Yup! But uh, don't attempt the ultimate glazed pretzel position- it's a bit difficult to replicate unless you're double-jointed or a contortionist."

Hibari shrugs, but takes note of the information, and tucks the DVD in his book bag. "Very well," he says. "I shall use this for reference material, as you recommended. If I find out you wasted my time, I'll bite you to death."

"Haha, sure thing Hibari! Anyway, I need to go," Yamamoto says, checking his phone. "Enjoy the boys!" He gives Hibari a saucy little wink, which stuns the prefect long enough for Yamamoto to slip away before Hibari can throw another punch.

Hibari growls. What is it with people getting away with punishment today? Extremely displeased, he picks up his tonfa and stomps out the door, determined to rectify this immediately.

Right now, he's got a school to discipline. He'll work out whatever that sugar pastry position is later.

**0**

"What do you mean you bailed on Kyouya?" Dino whines over the phone.

"I'm sorry Dino-san, but the Hanshin Tigers are playing the Giants this weekend, and I couldn't pass on the chance for lowerbox tickets. It was supposed to be sold-out long ago."

"Is that it? You know I'm Cavallone Decimo right?"

"Yeah and…?"

"And I have_ connections_."

"Oh haha! I didn't think about that, sorry," Yamamoto says, keeping his phone between his cheek and his shoulder as he squeezes past two workers out of the train. "But I did give him study material."

"Study material?"

"Yup. Twincest, yoga masters edition."

"Ohmygod, you gave him _porn_?" Dino all but screeches. Then a pause. "Huh. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Yeah so anyway, I'll join you tomorrow," Yamamoto says as he sprints over to a bus stop, and waves. "We can tag-team him then."

"Ooh kinky. I mean, sounds great. See you then!"

Yamamoto flips the phone closed and turns towards his companion. "You said you got tickets for me?"

Chrome smooths down her skirt as she stands up. "Mukuro-sama says you need to pick them up from Kokuyo land." She pauses and looks up at him hesitantly. "He says he doesn't want cash, and that you'll have to pay him back with a few hours of um … manual labor."

Yamamoto laughs. "Is that it? Sure thing!" he says, grinning as he holds out his arm to a bewildered Chrome who is clearly expecting more resistance. "Let's go!"

**-TBC-**

* * *

Post A/N: Apologies for the lateness of this update. This was actually supposed to be a much longer chapter, but I decided to cut it in half, as I've breached 9k wordcount, and that's about the size of the previous two chapters combined. On the upside, the next update will not take long, as it's 80% done. And it contains 6927. CRAZY 6927. No preview, but it will be posted on or before this Sunday.

As always, C&Cs are appreciated!

* * *

**Guest replies:**

To Guest with the comment about 1880: Dude, your description of my prose as "upscale" fills my heart with some variety of confounded joy because those are truly inspirational words for a fic that contains the phrase "giant turtle cock." You know what, just for that, I'm going to do more Yamamoto – Hibari interaction (it's my third favourite ship anyway, after D80 and 6927) to make up for not pushing through with that scene in this chapter.

To Meanne: I'm glad you liked my Yamamoto and even gladder that I made you feel better after your bad day! And whoot, more support for D80! As for reviews- I'm a quality over quantity girl, so I'd rather get one solid review from you than a hundred ones generated for the sake of review count.

See you next update!


	4. You've Sunk My Battleship

**A/N**: You know how lots of authors often say that Mukuro comes with his own warning label? There are many reasons for that. This fic is one of them. No Dino and Hibari in this chapter, it's Mukuro's time to shine! Needless to say, this contains 6927, and some pseudo 6980.

PS: Yes, the cover image is two turtles doing the nasty. You're welcome, Enzio.

* * *

**Chapter 4: If I Capsize On Your Thighs' High Tide, B5, You've Sunk My Battleship**

Tsuna has just said goodbye to Gokudera and is currently making his way into the house, when his pocket vibrates, quickly followed by the shrilly tones of Carameldansen, a ringtone that seems to have been specifically created to drive Gokudera up the wall, and therefore belongs to only one person. "Hello, Yamamato?"

"Tsu~na~yoshi-kuuuun~!"

"…Mukuro," he answers in a much less enthusiastic tone, a familiar feeling of dread settling in his stomach. He quickly bounds up the stairs and into his room, inwardly grateful that Reborn isn't around. "What are you doing with Yamamoto's phone?"

"Talking to you of course. His phone gets really great signal here in Kokuyo."

Tsuna's bag drops on the floor with an ominous thud. "… He's in Kokuyo w/ you?"

"Mmm, yes. I got him tickets to the Tigers-Giants game this weekend, and he dropped by to pick them up. We're having a tea party and all that's missing is you." In the background, Tsuna could hear Yamamoto's voice, some sort of ripping sound and what suspiciously sounds like, "Haha, not here Mukuro!"

"Tea party?" Tsuna asks dryly.

"Did I say tea party? I meant poker. You know the strip kind. Also, emphasis on _poke_ kufufufu."

Tsuna feels a chill run down his spine. "Let me talk to him."

"Mmm, okay, let me just untie him- -there!"

There's some scrambling as the phone switches hands. "Hey Tsuna!"

"Yamamoto! Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Mukuro's making me work for the tickets though," Yamamoto says. He sounds out of breath and Tsuna can't seem to detect any ill intent, but then again, he's never figured out if hyper intuition works over mobile phone. "But that's okay, I kind of expected that — hey, Mukuro, those are my only pants! What are you-"

"-Hello Tsunayoshi-kun." Mukuro's back. "Remember illusion number eighty?"

No, Tsuna does not remember illusion number eighty- his sanity is already tested on a regular basis as it is- but he can imagine that it's not very pleasant. None of Mukuro's illusions are, unless you're into pretty butterflies that turn into man-eating crows, underwear that transforms to disembodied hands, giant slutty reptiles, and well, tentacles. So naturally, he says, "Yes?"

"Oh you do? Well, guess what? Yamamoto-kun's about to t-"

"Okay, I'm going, I'm going!"

"Splendid," Mukuro says delightedly. "We'll be waiting then. Don't bring anyone, especially not your puppy or the angry bird."

"Yes, I'll come alone. Please don't violate him okay?" Tsuna pleads, and Mukuro's only answer is his echoing laugh, before the call ends.

With a sigh, Tsuna quickly changes out of his uniform, throwing himself into an orange hoodie, jeans and sneakers, then grabs his pills and gloves. After checking that the kids are all downstairs, he then climbs out the window and up to the roof.

So, solo mission to rescue Yamamoto from the evil perverted, clutches of Mukuro? He's got this.

He pops a pill, his eyes glowing orange, fists and head ablaze, and takes to the sky.

**0**

Tsuna takes a deep breath and peers uncertainly up the desolate, broken down building before gingerly stepping inside. Cautiously, he treads up the broken stairs in Kokuyo land's former mall. It's not exactly difficult to pinpoint which room Mukuro et al are in, because of the shifting lights and soft creepy laughter wafting from the end of the hall way. That and the fact that one of his passive abilities include the super useful built-in Mukuro radar. With grim determination, he marches to the rescue, flings the door open-

"-So yeah, I know this guy who lost a nipple going face down on a water slide—"

- and marches right back out.

Unfortunately, his heroic presence has already been detected and he finds himself getting pulled back into the room by a familiar, prehensile purple phallus wrapped around his torso.

Tentacles. Why are there always freaking tentacles?

"How good of you to drop by Tsunayoshi!" Mukuro chirps, dumping Tsuna unceremoniously across his lap. Yamamoto waves cheerily at him before proceeding to deal two cards each to Chrome, Mukuro and himself.

"Hello Boss," Chrome says with a small smile.

"Hello Chrome," Tsuna greets cordially- or as cordially as he can, while sprawled across Mukuro's leather wrapped thighs. "Mukuro, get your hand off my ass. Yamamoto. I see you're completely unharmed and not violated whatsoever."

"Haha why would I be violated? We're just playing Strip or Dare Texas Hold'em," Yamamoto says, as he studies his cards. "I kinda lost several rounds already. Chrome's a total pro at this."

Chrome immediately goes red at Yamamoto's praise and hides her face behind her cards.

Tsuna raises his eyebrows, wondering why Chrome has such a strong reaction to a seemingly simple compliment. Then he stops wondering when he looks back at Yamamoto and notices something so spectacularly horrible it makes the dying will flame on his forehead fizzle out.

He blinks. Takes another look. Blinks again. Then, a deep breath. "Yamamoto."

"Yeah?"

"…Are you wearing an elephant thong?"

Yamamoto doesn't even look the slightest bit fazed. "Haha, yeah. I think this is for my third losing round?"

"I see," Tsuna says, not seeing at all. He veers his eyes away, the internal calm of hyper dying will mode receding out of him, and slowly being replaced by a familiar friend: panic. He wonders what that says about him- a Mafioso boss who routinely faces danger, death threats and all conceivable kinds of violence five times before breakfast and cowers at the sight of gag underwear. But since he can't voice that out loud, he asks the most logical thing to ask in a situation like this one.

"How does strip and dare poker even work?"

"Greater bet means more clothes come off," Mukuro answers, left hand still absently admiring the curve of Tsuna's buttocks. "If your bluff gets called, or you go all in and you lose, you need to get something from the discount underwear bin."

"Yeah, shouldn't have done that," Yamamoto says with an uncomfortable chuckle. "This thong is totally killing my balls. Oops, sorry Chrome."

"It's okay Rain-man," Chrome says quietly, cheeks still dusted with pink.

"She's used to it," Mukuro says offhandedly. "We live with Ken and he sometimes forgets that showering and clean underwear are not optional."

"I see," Tsuna says again, and decides to include Hanes value packs in the next Kokuyo care package. Having had enough of his humiliating predicament, he props himself up to swat Mukuro's offensive hand away, shifting to a slightly more dignified position. _Slightly_ being the operative term, as he tries not to squirm within the circle of Mukuro's left arm, which is happily snaked around his waist. Three years ago, he'd be scrambling to put as much space between him and his ex-convict Guardian, but trying to disengage from Mukuro's grabby hands is like trying to disengage from a giant squid, and he'd rather save his strength for when he really needs it. It took him some time to figure out, but eventually, he learned that the secret to dealing with Mukuro is conceding to a little, instead of fighting and having to put up with much worse.

"Anyway, Yamamoto. Did they ever find the missing nipple?" Mukuro asks, as he reveals the first three cards of the deck.

"Raise ten," Chrome says immediately, pushing some chips into the pot.

"No. They still closed off the pool though," Yamamoto glances back and forth between his hand and the flop. "Call," he says, and throws in the appropriate amount of chips.

"What an unfortunate fellow," Mukuro says airily, glancing down at his cards. "That would be easily remedied with illusions if he had the power. Raise twenty."

"Call. Yeah. He's sourgraping by saying nipples don't serve any real purpose for men, but I know he's been researching plastic surgery," Yamamoto answers, as he leans over and reveals the turn. "Check."

Chrome nods. "Check."

Mukuro grins. "Oh but nipples are very useful," he says, and punctuates this by reaching up Tsuna's torso and—

"MUKURO!" Tsuna yelps, crossing his arms over his chest and blushing hotly.

"Have I told you that I love it when you scream my name, Tsunayoshi-kun," Mukuro sighs, then turns his attention back to the game. "Raise twenty."

"Call," both Yamamoto and Chrome say, throwing in more chips.

Yamamoto reaches forward and reveals the last card. He furrows his brow at his hand and the five cards on the community table. "Check."

Chrome studies her cards for a while. "Raise fifty."

"Oya oya, so aggressive, Chrome." Mukuro frowns. "Help me out here, Tsunayoshi."

Tsuna looks at Mukuro's hand then at the table, which would give Mukuro a jack full house. "Go all-in."

Chrome smiles at this.

Mukuro catches it and frowns. "All-in means…" He summons the discount underwear bin to him using an illusion, and peers inside. "… the polka dot T-back and the lederhosen, if I lose." He tosses the box aside, mouth curled in disgust, and throws his cards down. "I think not. Fold."

Yamamoto sighs and follows. "Fold."

Chrome smile dims, and then she gently places her cards down to reveal… a really shitty hand.

"Man, another bluff?" Yamamoto says, throwing Chrome an awestruck look as he reveals his rather decent hand of a two pair and an ace. "This is my 2nd time to get rivered."

"My darling Chrome, the hustler," Mukuro says, his voice filled with quiet pride. "As expected, you learned from the best after all."

Chrome smiles demurely. "Boss made the right call though. You should've listened to him, Mukuro-sama."

"Yes, I realize that now," Mukuro sniffs. "I forgot about the famed hyper intuition."

Chrome turns to Yamamoto. "Um, strip or dare, Rain man?"

"Haha, right." Yamamoto takes a quick survey of his remaining clothing – sleeveless undershirt and that thrice-damned nutsack-killing elephant thong, and quickly decides on: "Dare."

Chrome pauses, then looks at Tsuna shyly. "Boss… would you do the honours?"

Tsuna sits up straight. "You're asking me to give the dare?"

Chrome nods.

Tsuna smiles gratefully. "Thanks Chrome!" With that, he turns to his rain guardian, who's looking at him with a half-sheepish, half-hopeful expression. "Okay. Yamamoto. I want you to lose the thong—"

Mukuro and Chrome gasp.

"—and wear some decent underwear, jeez guys, will you let me finish?"

Mukuro frowns. "You're so boring Tsunayoshi."

Yamamoto groans in relief, and makes his way towards a pile of what is presumably his clothes on the corner of the room. "Oh thank you Tsuna- my left testicle's about to go rogue and —"

"—No problem, Yamamoto," Tsuna interrupts loudly, veering his eyes away from Yamamoto's slightly swaggering backside.

Mukuro leans in close to Tsuna's ear. "Mmm, but I do love to watch him go," he whispers, and even though Tsuna can't see it, he knows the patented perverted smile is there. "You're still a spoilsport though."

"Shut up," Tsuna hisses, because he most emphatically wasn't thinking that Yamomoto's got a firm ass; besides which, he purposely gave that lame dare because he wants to end Yamamoto's misery. That and the the googly eyes of the thong were seriously freaking him out. "Stop macking on my friends."

"Aw, you're jealous," Mukuro teases, before playfully wrapping both arms around Tsuna. "Don't worry, Tsunayoshi, you're the one I want the most."

Tsuna ignores this last statement and turns towards Chrome. "Do I get Mukuro's dare too?"

"Oya oya, that's unfair Tsunayoshi. I refuse. And how do you know I won't choose strip?"

"You don't need an excuse to strip."

"True," Mukuro agrees, and looks at Chrome. "If you dare me to do something to Tsunayoshi, I will buy you a new pet owl."

Tsuna immediately sits up. "Chrome- no. No. I'm not even supposed to be here. I thought Yamamoto was being vio—held here against his will."

"Oh but I really was helping Mukuro test out his illusion." Yamamoto's back, in a decent pair of black boxers this time. In retrospect, Tsuna should have also told him to wear pants, but at least he doesn't have to deal with seeing Yamamoto's sizable bulge framed by large floppy ears anymore. "It's the least I can do for the tickets!" Yamamoto continues. "How were you able to do that anyway?"

"Possession, extortion, blackmail, hanging them by the ankles on the top floor of Tokyo tower until they hand it over voluntarily - a variety of ways actually," Mukuro answers with a bored drawl, ignoring the look of disapproval on Tsuna's face. "But if you're just asking how I got this particular set, I just filched them from the wallet of some passed out drunk in the bar."

Yamamoto looks at his tickets guiltily. "So you _stole_ them?"

"It's not stealing if you replace it with something else," Mukuro says dismissively, conveniently leaving out the part where that something else are actually calling cards for a popular phone sex hotline, with the Namimori Disciplinary Committee Office's number and mobile carefully overlayed via expert illusion.

"Oh." Yamamoto thinks about it for a moment and shrugs. "That's alright then."

"So why did you ask me to come here?" Tsuna complains. "Surely not to help you win at poker."

Mukuro puts on his most charming smile, which is still far more lecherous than any smile ought to be. "We just want the pleasure of your company Tsunayoshi-kun."

"Well you got it." Annoyed, Tsuna forcefully disentangles himself from Mukuro and stands up. "Now, I have to go."

Mukuro pouts. "But you just got here!"

"I have homework. Also, I'm pretty sure Reborn is going to kick me back and forth across the house for shirking my Italian lessons."

"You could just tell him you're learning from me," Mukuro says brightly, grabbing on to Tsuna's hand. "Here, first lesson: _Scopami._ [1] You say this to greet your lover when he comes home. Come on, practice on me."

"… Nice try. Reborn made me learn all the dirty words first."

Mukuro shrugs. "Well, I wasn't lying."

Tsuna sighs and renews his efforts to pry Mukuro's fingers off his wrist. "I really have to go."

"Don't. You don't call anymore. You don't even text or have dreams I can lovingly invade. I feel so neglected. I haven't seen you in such a long time."

Tsuna rubs his forehead. "I saw you last Saturday Mukuro."

"Chrome hasn't seen you in a long time," Mukuro says without missing a beat, and looks at Chrome meaningfully.

"It's so rare for you to visit us Boss," Chrome pipes up on cue, looking at Tsuna with wide, glassy eyes. "Won't you stay for a while? Mukuro-sama and I miss you very much."

Chrome has a very effective puppy look for someone who's wearing a skull eye patch. Though really, she doesn't need to bother, because turning down the simple request of a girl who's spent most of her life feeling unwanted and surviving on fake organs automatically makes anyone a class-A dickbag with no soul, and Tsuna aspires hard not to become one of those.

That said, Mukuro is an evil, conniving son of a bitch.

"For you Chrome," Tsuna says forcing a small smile, and unwillingly goes back to a self-satisfied Mukuro's arms.

Yamamoto who has been unusually quiet all this time, cradles his chin in his hand and gives them both a thoughtful look. "Wow. You guys seem tight."

"Of course we're tight," Mukuro replies haughtily. "Why wouldn't I be comfortable with my future body?"

Yamamoto laughs. "Haha, you're still going on about that?" Before Mukuro can reply however, Yamamoto suddenly straightens up, fingers snapping with a sharp crack. "Oh hey wait, I just thought of something!"

"That doesn't happen very often," Mukuro says dryly. "By all means, let's hear it."

"Tsuna." Yamamoto turns towards his friend and boss, eyes shining with something that triggers a set of "oh fuck no" distress signals from deep within Tsuna's hindbrain. "Do you remember what we talked about by the pool? Mukuro can be your litmus test!"

Both Mukuro and Tsuna freeze at this. Chrome succumbs to an awfully suspicious coughing fit.

"Excuse me," Mukuro says icily. "I can be _what?_"

"The litmus test," Yamamoto repeats pleasantly. "Against Tsuna's gay."

"But this isn't being gay!" Tsuna sputters. "I mean it's- it's Mukuro!" It explains absolutely nothing, but it's kind of hard to think of a credible justification, considering he allowed said litmus test to drape himself all over him the whole time he's been here.

"Kufufufu, that's right. Our relationship has transcended mere human homosexuality," Mukuro declares with a flourish. "It's on an entirely different plane of existence, one that exceeds the boundaries of humans and delves into the world of ethereal."

Tsuna and Yamamoto stare at him blankly. Chrome starts gathering the cards on the table.

Mukuro is undeterred. "I understand, Yamamoto, if your less-evolved mortal brain cannot fathom the concept of two spirits sharing one vessel, but Tsunayoshi and I are destined for much greater things. Our joining as one flesh will be the stuff of glories untold. It will be the apotheosis of spiritual bonding, with which we shall cleanse the filth of the world with fire and mist, and bend all who remain to our will."

"He just means he's going to kickstart World War 3 with your body, boss," Chrome whispers, as Mukuro continues to wax lyrical about world domination via X-Burner and moe.

"...Thanks for the clarification Chrome," Tsuna whispers back, and then turns to speak to Yamamoto in a much louder voice. "…. You know what, yeah okay, maybe we're being a little gay."

"See, that wasn't so hard," Yamamoto replies.

Tsuna notes that Mukuro has a really hilarious facefault.

"I don't like you very much anymore Tsunayoshi," Mukuro sulks, arms folded as he looks away, pouting. "You're mean, and you say hurtful things. What happened to the kind and innocent little bunny I know?"

Tsuna blinks at him. "I don't even know where to begin answering that question but let's go with constant and persistent mind rape."

"Say no more," Mukuro says, clutching his chest dramatically. "Your cruel words are like a glaive twisting in my dying heart, tearing my soul asunder. The only way to make up for it is to promise me a night of passion, where we shall temper our union with the fires of our love."

"If by fires of your love, you mean a hot, painful sensation when you pee, then a trip to the sexual health clinic might be more helpful than a night of passion. Also, no."

"Fine, a blowjob will do."

"No."

"Thirty minute make-outs then."

"I," Tsuna announces, standing up, "am leaving." He turns towards his only female guardian and bows apologetically. "I'm sorry Chrome, but I'll treat you to ice cream tomorrow, how about that?"

Before Chrome could answer, Mukuro hits the floor with the bottom of his trident, and the hollow sound echoes unnaturally throughout the room. "Well, if I'm going to be a gay litmus test," he declares, rising up as well. "I'm going to be the best and most stringent one there ever is."

Tsuna is actually pretty calm as he takes a few steps back, his hand closed around the pill bottle in his pocket. "There is no need," he says. "I think Yamamoto has proved whatever it is he wants proven."

"Haha, actually, I think we can go further," Yamamoto says, flashing Tsuna a dorky peace sign. "Mukuro's illusions can be really helpful."

Tsuna's calm demeanour falters rather comically, as he shoots Yamamoto a look that clearly conveys _'You traitor.'_

Mukuro gives Yamamoto a pleased smile. "See, I knew there was a reason why I consider you the most tolerable of Tsunayoshi's guard dogs."

"Don't worry Tsuna," Yamamoto says assuredly, Mukuro's indirect insult sailing right over his head. "We're not going to ask you to do something we wouldn't do."

"That's not reassuring at all!" Tsuna shouts, and chokes back a gasp when he finds Mukuro suddenly in his face.

"Chrome?" Tsuna calls out, panicking now as Mukuro effectively backs him up against the wall. "A little help here?"

"Mukuro-sama will treat you kindly, Boss," Chrome says serenely. "Rain-man and I are still around after all."

Tsuna lets out whinging little noise, as Mukuro gets unbearably close. "Mukuro, stop. This isn't funny."

"Good, because I'm not trying to be," Mukuro answers softly, moving in, the tip of his nose just barely touching Tsuna's.

Tsuna's head slams back against the wall with a painful thud. "Mukuro!"

Mukuro soft chuckles ghost along Tsuna's jaw, and his heterochromatic gaze stares at Tsuna's unblinkingly, making Tsuna's eyes water, until he's forced to turn his head away. He pops open the pill canister in his pocket.

Abruptly, Mukuro moves back. "Okay," he says quietly. "I won't."

Mukuro's already flung himself back on the broken leather couch by the time Tsuna realizes his mist guardian has actually backed off. He peels himself off the wall warily, eyes on the lookout for some sort of trap. "You're actually letting me go?"

"Are you disappointed?" Mukuro asks, smirking.

"No!" Tsuna replies immediately, and runs to the door before Mukuro can change his mind. "Well, thanks. And um, see you." He opens the door, about to leave, when Mukuro speaks up again.

"Oh, I just remembered. I'm pretty sure Cavallone's little pet is feeling a little lonely."

Tsuna's foot stops midway out the door.

"Perhaps I should go pay Namimori another visit, hm?"

Tsuna tells himself he's well past the age where it's acceptable to make little animal noises of terror when he's threatened. He slowly turns around. "No. Mukuro, please..."

"It's been awhile since I fought Kyouya-chan, seeing as the Arcobaleno forced me to cooperate with him last Saturday," Mukuro continues, as his crimson eye flashes, and a little Enzilla apparates into being on the coffee table, looking slightly less fruity than she was last Saturday. "What about it, Enzilla? Want to pay your boyfriend a visit?"

As if the situation couldn't get any worse, Yamamoto breaks out into peals of laughter. "Oh so that's Enzilla!" he says, reaching over to poke the turtle's shell. "I've heard so much about her from Dino-san."

Mukuro lets Yamamoto play with Enzilla and turns to the ceiling thoughtfully, continuing his one-sided conversation. "Of course, knowing that idiot bronco's luck, his pet will probably run into some sprinklers, and I'll need to boost Enzilla to god size again."

Tsuna's nails are currently making little half-moons on his face. Mukuro keeps talking nonchalantly. "Your little puppy might appreciate it. The little bird however, won't be so pleased. And don't get me started on—"

"—OHMYGOD FINE! I'll do it!" Tsuna yells, walking back into the room. "Just please don't put Enzilla in Namimori territory. Please Mukuro."

Mukuro smirks, rising up from the couch with fluid grace. "Well, since you begged so nicely, Tsunayoshi-kun…" he says, approaching Tsuna with measured, unhurried steps, secure in the knowledge that Tsuna will not run this time.

Tsuna swallows thickly as Mukuro's red eye flashes, and the room warps itself seamlessly to his whims, Yamamoto and Chrome slowly disappearing from view. Yamamoto even gives him a jaunty little salute, like Tsuna's heading off to glorious battle instead of heading off to get gloriously molested.

Mukuro reaches him and leans down, two-toned eyes twinkling, and just the slightest bit hungry. His hands skitter down Tsuna's narrow hips. "Now for illusion number sixty nine…"

_At least,_ Tsuna thinks as Mukuro closes in, _it could be worse._

At least there are no tentacles involved.

**-TBC-**

* * *

[1] Italian; from the root word, scopare, meaning "to fuck." Scopami translates to "Fuck me"

**Post A/N:** What did Mukuro do to Tsuna? That's all entirely up to you. I'm not confirming or denying anything. I mean, for all you know, Tsuna was never a virgin to begin with ahaha. Also, sorry if you're disappointed that Mukuro got to Tsuna first but the end result will still be 1827, worry not.

Also, there was supposed to be a little omake here featuring XXX hotline operator Hibari but uh, it got too long to be an omake so I'll post it as an interlude between chapters instead, after I polish it up, and make it sound a bit less insane (Admittedly, half of it was written when I had a pleasant vodka induced buzz- it's best condition to write crack, take it from me). Some characters from other fandoms kinda wrote their way in there too so if you guys know who Orihara Izaya, Kawamura Takashi, and Minamimoto Sho are, you're in for a treat.

Lastly, the missing nipple thing? True story from a friend of a friend. So yeah guys. Protect your nipples. Lie on your back or use an inflatable raft. A friendly service reminder from your neighbourhood crack dealer, Lady A.

* * *

**Guest Review Replies:**

To **HiBiRdEpIc**: Thanks for the lovely comment! I had a riot with Dino teaching Hibari the art of modern seduction. As for the size of Hibari's unicock, um, I wanted to be more realistic about it (ahaha realism in a crackfic, oh the irony), because I've seen many fics where Hibari's this sex god with a massive dick, and well, it's very different from my perception of Hibari in my headcanon. To be fair, Dino may have been a bit of an ass in that part too, obviously, since anyone would pale in comparison to Dino "the **Bucking** **Horse**" Cavallone (again, this is all in my headcanon. But you guys are aware of the expression "hung like a horse" right? :p ). And I just realized I spent this entire paragraph speculating about KHR character's penises, so I'll shut up now.

Again, C&C's are very much appreciated! Til the next update y'all.


	5. Stuff Only Prince Will Sing About

A/N: Did some edits with Chapter 4, especially with Mukuro's ludicrous monologue about taking over Tsuna's body. Note to self: Don't attempt to write Mukuro with three hours of sleep. Anyway, while I was supposed to make this a short interlude, Hibari took over my brain and before I knew it, I was spitting out an extra 3k+ words. So. This is now (a somewhat useless but hopefully still funny) chapter 5, which is basically all about poor Hibari suffering the consequences of Mukuro's asshattery in the last chapter. (In case you don't remember why, look for the part where Mukuro explains how he got Yamamoto's tickets)

Note that this includes some characters from other fandoms (Durarara! and TWEWY to be specific), knowledge of which would enhance your understanding of the fic, but not required. PoT fans, I'm sorry, but Kawamura Takashi is no longer guest starring, as the small bit I wrote with him kind of made Hibari super OOC so I scrapped it altogether.

* * *

**Chapter 5: You and Me Do the Kind of Stuff that Only Prince Would Sing About**

Hibari has just finished signing the last of the Namimori club registration forms when the phone rings, which is an odd occurrence, because the lacquered, old-school corded phone's been pretty much serving an almost exclusively aesthetic purpose before then; which is to say, the phone hasn't rung in a good long _never_. What's even stranger is, it's two minutes past seven PM, and school has been officially over three hours ago. Kusakabe, who was previously gawking at a rather _eccentric_ CD he found while fixing Hibari's book bag, is similarly startled, and he silently asks the chairman if he wants Kusakabe to take the call. Hibari shakes his head and presses the speaker button.

"Namimori Disciplinary Committee," he greets tonelessly. "Call hours are only between 0800h and 1600h and not before or after. Goodbye." He is about to press end, when the caller speaks up.

"Disciplinary committee? Oh um, is that the new name of the hotline?"

Hibari furrows his brow. "What nonsense are you talking about?"

"Hey uh, no need to get mad. It's totally cool, I'll go along with it."

Now Hibari is more than a little annoyed, and he glares at Kusakabe briefly as if it's his fault the telephone is spouting idiotic blather at him. "Explain yourself or suffer severe punishment when I find out who you are," he says, low voice carrying the careful threat of a thrown brick. "And believe me, I will."

Of course, this completely sails over the caller's head. "Punishment? Oh is today an S&M special by any chance?

Kusakabe suddenly experiences a slow, coiling terror, similar to that feeling he got on that one time when Kyo-san was running on three hours sleep, and discovered that Hibird dislocated a wing crashing against the last cylinder of their stock of green tea, the contents of which had scattered on Hibari's anago sushi. The ensuing chaos and damage had ensured Namimori psychiatrists a steady flow of business for six straight weeks. To this day, some DC members still suffer PTSD when they remember that incident.

"S and M?" Hibari repeats, now looking equal parts pissed off and confused.

"Well yeah. Isn't this the Namimori Sexy Slutz hotline?"

Someone out there must really hate Kusakabe Tetsuya.

"…" Hibari's face is priceless but Kusakabe could hardly appreciate it, what with limb-paralyzing fear threatening to do something embarrassing to his bladder.

"Hello? Um… Do you do role play?"

Kusakabe starts praying.

"I," Hibari is seething. "… Will. Bite. You. Dead."

There's a pause at the end of the line, before a loud squeal erupts from the speaker. "… Ohmygod, are you channeling _Edward_?"

Hibari's answer is the sickening crunch of plastic and metal as the phone crumples under the weight of his vitriol and a heavy-duty puncher .

"Tetsu," he grits out, placing the puncher back on his desk, and shooting a poisonous look at the plastic remains of the telephone. "Replace this phone and get us a new number." Without waiting for a response, he grabs his bag and storms out of the room, killing aura activated to the highest setting.

Hibari lives three blocks away from the school. Kusakabe feels sorry for whoever unfortunate soul crosses Hibari's path in the ten minutes he takes to get home.

Unknown to Kusakabe however, this is only the beginning.

**0**

The second unidentified call comes around 2000h on Hibari's mobile, right after Hibari has finished his dinner of beef teppanyaki and steamed rice. Hibari stares at the unidentified number flashing on his screen, before irritably pressing the answer button.

"Hello? Is this the Namimori hotline?"

In the background, there's a noise of a large heavy metal object crashing against concrete, and Hibari immediately becomes alert. If this call is from a Namimori citizen reporting a disturbance, Hibari is duty bound to respond, and protect the peace.

"State your business," he says in clipped tones, already reaching for his battle gear.

"Oh whew, that was close, Shizu-chan almost got me with the Pepsi vending machine!"

Destroying Namimori's sidewalks and depriving citizens of their source of soda— what a distasteful, heinous act. Hibari briskly walks towards the door, grabbing his coat along the way. "Tell me your location and name."

"Location? Hmm, right now, it's downtown Ikebukuro, and my name is Kanra-chan!"

"That is a girl's name. You're a boy," Hibari says, irked that this herbivore would dare to give such an outrageous lie, before the first part of the statement registers to him and he abruptly stops in his tracks. Ikebukuro is not his problem, though the disgusting lack of discipline in that dirty town has often put him in a dizzying rage just thinking about it.

"That doesn't matter over the phone does it?"

It has disrespectful, arrogant citizens too apparently. Though Hibari could sense something in that slightly musical voice, danger lurking beneath the childish tones, like fluffy omelettes stuffed with razor blades. Hibari turns around and hangs his coat back in its rack. "You are not from Namimori," he says. ""I have no business dealing with you."

"But I just wanted to find out what a sex hotline in Namimori would sound like—"

Self-righteous homicidal fury immediately erupts from within Hibari's skull and he immediately forms some choice threats involving several ways to break a person's fingers when "Kanra-chan" continues with:

"—considering how it's such a pretty and well-behaved town."

Hibari Kyouya is a fairly simple creature – so simple in fact that he only has enough capacity for one emotion at a time, the usual occupier being irritation, subcategorized in varying levels ranging from "I'm mildly annoyed and you have three seconds to get out of my face before I rearrange your eyebrows" to "I am going to break you so hard, doctors will spend years trying to figure out what I did to you." Sometimes, he experiences fleeting measures of satisfaction, excitement, pride of the Namimori-inspired sort, and most recently, sexual arousal, though he attributes that last one to primal, biological response.

Right now, indignant anger is warring with quiet pride, and he's on the fence of which one will take precedence at the moment.

"C'mon, I just want to hear what humans like to call dirty talk."

Right, indignant anger it is.

Then it is suddenly followed by, oddly enough, curiosity.

_Curiosity._ Because while Hibari wants nothing more than to tell this joker to piss off and go get lost in a den of ravenous jackals, the dirty talk comment somewhat got to him. His stupid mentor had the gall to say that such skills (if one could call them that) are much too high-level for Hibari to pull-off, which is very much an open assault to Hibari's intelligence.

Well, this is the perfect opportunity to see what it's about isn't it? This is a challenge, and Hibari Kyouya is not in the habit of backing down from challenges. And while he'd normally rather bite off his own fingers than willingly engage in something so scandalous, he'll take this as an exception, seeing as his goal is to gain more knowledge, which is always a good cause.

"Very well," he finally says, taking a seat on his couch. "I shall humour your lascivious request."

Kanra-chan lets out a short laugh. "Hmm, you're a little different from the usual… but that's okay! Anyway, I've told you my name. What's yours?"

"Hi—" He stops, and decides it isn't prudent to give his real name, considering the nature of this call. He thinks that it is acceptable to be dishonest this time, as again, the entire situation is purely hypothetical. "… Rokudo Mukuro."

"Like the ex-convict?"

"Screen name."

"Okay! Well then Muku-chan, talk dirty to me!"

Hibari frowns, and suddenly realizes the fatal flaw of this challenge- he doesn't know what the hell to say. So he fishes his netbook out of his bag, and turns it on. While waiting for it to boot, he decides to stall with, "What would you like to hear?"

"Mmm, let's start with how you love my curves and how you'd like to smother your face into my maidenly bosom!"

Hibari scowls. "… I refuse to refer to you as female, when you are clearly not," he says, and opens his browser to type "How to Talk Dirty" in the search box.

"Heehee, you're an interesting one, Muku-chan! Okay fine, I guess homogay sex talk is okay too."

"Hn." Hibari quickly scrolls through the search results. His lip curls with disgust at some of them- why on earth would herbivores get off on such degradation? He finally settles on: "Tell me what turns you on."

"Ooh, I'm glad you asked!" There's some shifting from the other end of the line, followed by a weird guttural sound, like Kanra-chan's under some sort of duress. "Humanity. I love humanity. All of them- their reactions, their feelings, their idiosyncrasies, how you don't have to kill them to take their life away…"

Hibari is not the type to feel disturbed about… well, anything, but this Kanra-chan is quickly trying to fix that. "You are turned on by _humans_," he repeats, his tone coloured by mild revulsion.

"Yup! They're all so precious to me." Kanra-chan releases a breathy sound. "My darling, beautiful humans."

Hibari couldn't resist. "Wao. You have bad taste."

The strange moaning sounds stop. "… You don't like humans?"

"No," Hibari answers truthfully. "Humans have a terrible lack of discipline and do not know their proper place. And they like to crowd. It's pitiful and revolting."

"…Muku-chan, you're not supposed to say that. You're doing this the wrong way!"

Hibari is insulted with this herbivore's temerity. How dare he accuse Hibari of saying the wrong thing, after Hibari had been so nice in correcting him of his terrible misconception of humanity? "It's not my fault you are turned on by the most incompetent species on the planet."

Kanra-chan gasps and the tone of his words suddenly shift from playful to whiny. "Take that back! You're supposed to make me feel sexy. What is wrong with you? Are you sure you're even a slut?"

"I am not a slut. Are you sure you're not a freak of nature?"

"Mou, I don't like you anymore. You're surly and mean, like Shizu-cha—oh shit."

Hibari then hears the sound of another crash, and what faintly sounds like "There you are I~za~ya-kuuuun" in the background, and the line goes dead.

For the first time in a long while, Hibari feels frustrated. He is quite certain that this venture is far from successful, because he is rather disappointed to have been cut off prematurely. He hasn't even learned anything new, and that conversation was quite far from the samples he read on the internet.

But Hibari is nothing if not determined. Which is why he entertains the next call as well.

**0**

The voice is irritatingly familiar, and it grinds on Hibari's nerves like a cheese grater.

"Look, you don't have to say anything sexy. Just tell me I'm the only right hand man you'll ever need."

Hibari rolls his eyes at the utter shamelessness of Sawada's pyromaniac lapdog. But then again, this has the potential to be extremely amusing.

"You're the only right hand man I'll ever need," he recites monotonously.

"Jeez, you could sound a bit more enthusiastic you know."

"My enthusiasm is irrelevant- I'm telling you what you want to hear do I not?"

"You suck. Fine. I guess I shouldn't expect much from a free hotline."

Hibari feels a tick popping on his forehead, but maintains his cool. "What else do you want me to say?"

"Right. Uh, I'll call you Tenth okay? And you can just agree to everything I say."

Well at least the herbivore is making it easier for him, though he is extremely miffed at the thought of being referred to as Sawada Tsunayoshi's proxy. But after voluntarily using Rokudo Mukuro's name, he supposes he could take it. This is a learning exercise after all. "Fine."

"Okay." Gokudera takes a deep breath. "I'm the best right? And I'm all you need."

"Yes."

"And that baseball idiot isn't worth even getting called your right toenail."

"I agree," Hibari says, and inadvertently glances at his right foot, absently noting that his nails are overdue for a trim.

"I knew you'd see it my way Tenth!" Gokudera sounds a little breathless now. "Also, that asshole Rokudo Mukuro should go drop himself into the hell hole from whence he came and stay there."

"Yes," Hibari says with more conviction this time, reaching for a nail cutter. "He is a worthless piece of scum."

"Yes! And his fashion sense is a horrific abuse of leather and camo print."

"Correct," Hibari answers, and starts working on his nails.

"And his stupid laugh bugs at you like the sound of demon-possessed flies."

"Agreed. He is an abomination of this world."

"Oh Tenth, you are so kind," Gokudera says almost reverently, and Hibari could practically see the sparkles emanating from his voice. "And speaking of abomination, I'm much more prodigiously endowed than that canary-dick Hibari, who is obviously overcompensating with his ridiculous, extendable tonfas."

The nail on Hibari's right toe is severed with a vicious snap. "Herbivore."

"No Tenth, that's Hibari's line- whatever happened to agreeing?"

"If you want to be close to Sawada Tsunayoshi, Gokudera Hayato, then I will take great pleasure in beating you stupid and smearing you on the walls of his bedroom."

There's a spot of silence at the other end of the line. "Hibari?"

Hibari's voice is the embodiment of impending doom. "For your impertinence, prepare to be bitten to death tomorrow."

More silence, followed by an outburst of "HOLY SON OF A -!"

Click.

**0**

"I'm harder than a multivariable calculus equation."

Math. Wao. Herbivores have the most bizarre fetishes. But even Math is multitudes better than humans en masse. Math is logical and makes for great mental exercise, even though Hibari can hardly see it's practical use, as he's not really particular about calculating trajectories of the bodies he launches out of windows and into walls on a daily basis.

According to google, he should respond with something along the lines of "Shall I take care of that for you?" but what comes out of his mouth is entirely different. "That's a very unique analogy."

"Isn't it? How about this: my cock is as long as pi."

Hibari is not impressed. "… 3.14 inches is not very long."

There's some sputtering at the end of the line. "I meant the_ length_ of pi including the decimals, not the value of pi, you zetta slow tetrahedron!"

Hibari doesn't know what a tetrahedron is (and what zetta means for that matter) though he's quite certain the math herbivore didn't mean anything nice by it, which immediately raises his hackles, but since insults are a significant part of dirty talk, he decides to let it slide. "… That is quite long."

"Exactly. Now turn me on, hectopascal. Recite me some discrete math problems."

This math nerd's arrogance is beginning to fill up Hibari's rage meter. "I don't know discrete math," he grits out. "Shall I give you a word problem instead?"

"Meh. Good enough."

"If a tonfa weighing one point five kilograms—"

"—Oh yes!"

"—with a length of one point five feet—"

"—Mmm, do it just like that—"

"—goes down with an average velocity of 90 mph—"

"—Faster! More!"

"…and lands on your jaw—"

"—Oh yes, do me now you zetta sexy beast!"

"—how far will your teeth fly?"

"Huh? That's not a valid math question."

"This isn't a sex hotline," Hibari snaps, and presses end.

**0**

"Kufufufu, hello Birdie-chan."

"…"

"Normally I'd rather cut off my face than suffer the indignity of initiating a phone call with you, but it has come to my attention that you've been tarnishing my good name with your despicable lack of sexiness. That's not very nice."

"Your name is already tarnished beyond redemption, herbivore."

"Oh really. Perhaps I should take over that phone line and pose as you instead. It shouldn't be hard; all I have to do is grunt and make noncommittal noises while occasionally throwing in vaguely sexual threats about biting. See how you like it."

Something clicks into place, and Hibari growls low in his throat. "So it was _you_ who sent those callers after me?"

"Kufufufu, and what if I did? You seem to have no problem rising to the task. You were obviously enjoying that bit where you and Gokudera Hayato were lambasting my entire being until he mentioned something about your dick and the usual implications related to phallic weaponry."

"Considering that you fight with a giant fork, I wonder what that implies about _your _penis."

"Wouldn't you like to know now? You're welcome to join Tsunayoshi and I sometime."

"I have no intentions of joining you and for that matter, neither does Sawada Tsunayoshi. So keep your delusions of bedding either of us to yourself."

"Says the guy asking Bucking Horse Dino for love advice. Though really, if you're going around asking for intimacy lessons, you should've come to me instead. You know I have extensive experience being inside people, kufufufu."

"I think I'd rather fuck a corpse."

"In that case, Lussuria's number is +39 347 6276429 [1]. You're welcome."

"Since you mentioned having extensive experience inside people, the Namimori Sexual Health Clinic is 877-2793 [2]. You might want to visit before your latest STD devours the others."

"So you're the one who told that hideous lie to Tsunayoshi. Not that it was enough to deter me from having him at the end of the day."

Hibari grips the phone tighter. "I have never lied to Sawada Tsunayoshi. You however, are doing a poor job of lying to me."

Mukuro sighs loudly from the other end of the line. "I understand why you'd be in denial. You are a fairly attractive specimen in your own right, but Tsunayoshi will never go for you and your deplorable methods of seduction when he has the option of choosing my far superior looks and sexual techniques."

"Shut up. You'd do well to dispel any illusions you have of me allowing your filthy hands to taint my prey. "

Mukuro laughs. "Aw, it's so _cute_ that you think Tsunayoshi's still pure, considering how loudly he was screaming my name last night."

"Keep dreaming."

"What an intellectually stunning repartee," Mukuro drawls. "I assure you, it was no dream. And he was _begging_ for me to take him. '_Please_, Mukuro,' he said. 'I'll do anything.' It was glorious."

Hibari's voice is all cold fury and murder. "I am going to make you regret those words, pineapple herbivore."

"Kufufufu, I'd like to see you try, canary-dick."

Hibari swiftly ends the call, and grabs his weapons.

**0**

Tsuna paces back and forth across his room, phone in hand, thumb hesitantly poised over the call button. After some minutes, Reborn, getting tired of Tsuna's fretting, rises from his hammock and shoots at him, which serves as adequate impetus for Tsuna to finally press call.

Which is answered almost immediately.

"I'm busy right now herbivore, so you have five seconds to explain why you're calling."

Tsuna almost jumps at the venom in Hibari's tone. "Hieee! I'm sorry Hibari-san!"

"What do you want Sawada Tsunayoshi?"

"Um," Tsuna starts, then makes an unintelligible gurgling noise, when it suddenly sinks in that all hopes of recovering from this phone call unscathed are pretty much out the window now.

"It is not wise to keep me waiting herbivore."

"Mukuro invaded my dream tonight and complained about you," Tsuna manages to spill out in a rush.

"… And what complaint is that?"

"He said that you were…" And here, Tsuna pauses, because his brain is frantically trying to stop his vocal chords from giving voice to the blasphemous words he's about to say. "...operating a phone sex hotline under his name."

"…."

Tsuna takes Hibari's silence as anger, and hurriedly adds: "Of course, I told him to shove off because he's being delusional as usual, but he insisted I call you to confirm…"

"…"

_Oh god, he is going to kill me_. Tsuna's knuckles are white around the phone, as he goes on. "So, uh that's just crazy talk right?" he says, chuckling nervously. "Haha, there's no way that Hibari-san would do something so gross and tasteless… right?"

"…."

"Hibari-san?"

Click.

Tsuna listens to the dial tone for a bit, somewhat confused, majorly terrified, and wondering whether it's prudent to start writing his will now.

In the end, he picks up the phone again and dials Dino's number.

-tbc-

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**[1] **Lussuria's mobile number of +39 347 6276429 could also be read as +39 347 NECROGAY for easy remembrance.**  
**

**[2] **Similarly, the Namimori Sexual Health Clinic's landline could also be read as 877-2793 (URSCRWD).**  
**

**Non-KHR characters:**

**Orihaya Izaya**- from Durarara!

**Minamimoto Sho / Math Nerd/ Pi-face**- from the best DS game EVER, The World Ends With You

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**Replies to Guest Reviews:**

**Apple:** Oh god, don't tempt me. NGL, there were many times where I wanted to steer this fic towards the 6927 direction instead, because I clearly fail hard at 1827 chemistry. But I'm pretty sure most of the people reading this fic are here for the 1827 and I really don't want to be guilty of false advertising.

**HiBiRdEpIc**: Thank you for coming back! Haha, Yamamoto is rather blunt isn't he? It's what I really love about him- he's kind of duplicitous but endearingly stupid in a sometimes-village-idiot-sometimes-wolf-in-sheep's- clothing kind of way.


	6. Interlude: First Generation Shenanigans

**IMPORTANT A/N + FILLER / INTERLUDE CHAPTER SO I DON'T BREAK ANY RULES**

**LONG ASS A/N: **Hey guys, sorry for the delay- I've been working on the next chapter but I find myself facing a dilemma. Um, would anyone terribly mind it if this ends up as 692718 instead of pure 1827? Sorry, but it has come to my attention that some people want Mukuro in the picture (and so do I TBH). But I realize this might not be acceptable, especially to those who read this story for the 1827. So I'm going to need some input. Let me know via PM or review, what you'd like, preferably with an opinion about it.

This isn't a majority vote, so an input that explains **why** you'd prefer one over the other will significantly affect my decision more than ten unexplained votes (which is why I'm not using a poll). I will make a final decision come January 4, Friday.

For the sake of transparency, please consider the fact that 692718 for me is a THREESOME, and not a Tuna Sandwich. So there will be 6918 moments as well, though it will be the snarky, "I hate your fucking guts but hot damn if I don't want to screw you blind" sort, which is my favourite 6918 trope. Kindly keep that in mind.

Lastly, due to recent conversations with another author, I just want to clarify something to avoid further confusion : This is NOT a Romance Fanfic. If I'm to be completely blasé about it, this fic is basically a _string of loosely sequenced homoerotic hijinks_ pretending to be fic. There isn't going to be a long-winded diatribe on feelings or an elaborate dance of who gets to say I like you first etc etc. This is crack, and to put it blithely, all about Hibari's eventual graduation to a higher EQ, which just so happens to involve Tsuna (and in a sense, Dino and Yamamoto). If it's different from what you're expecting, well, there's nothing I can do about that, because I'll be the first to admit that this fic is not going to be everyone's cup of tea. It defies, and will continue to defy, the typical portrayal of the 1827 pairing (which, I have to admit, I am not fond of). Again, please be reminded that this fic is INTENTIONALLY ten kinds of shallow, twice as many kinds of perverted and written only for the sake of lulz, so please don't take it too seriously.

That said, here, have some 1st Generation filler. Credit goes to **Sylvia-san** for giving me this idea. I wrote this in like, 45 minutes (pre-editing and checking), so things may turn out a bit spastic. Contains a tiny bit of Giotto27, and my favourite 1st gen pairing, G/Giotto.

* * *

**INTERLUDE: FIRST GENERATION SHENANIGANS**

"Your successor," Daemon announces with a flourish, "is an absolute imbecile. "

Alaude ignores him and flips a page on the novel he's reading, but closer inspection shows that he's sporting that pinched look he gets when he knows other people are right, but he'd rather eat his handcuffs than say it out loud.

"And _your_ successor is a total twat," G snaps, more out of habit in his eternal antagonism with Daemon Spade than any heartfelt need to defend their erstwhile Cloud Guardian.

Daemon smirks. "Big words from the guy whose successor is pussywhipped by someone who doesn't even have a vagina."

G bristles visibly at this, and his glare could strip iron. "Putting aside the fact that that doesn't even make a lick of sense, it's better to be whipped than to be a traitorous scumbag," he retorts. "You'd know that if you had a shred of loyalty in that dark empty space you call a soul."

Daemon brushes this off with the grace of someone who's had much practice repelling insults for almost half a millennia. "Noted; I'll inform Webster to update the definition of loyalty to include 'a compulsion to touch oneself to vocal fantasies involving his superiors' then."

G makes an animal noise of outrage, only to be cut off by Giotto.

"All of you— shut up, I want to hear this math person play out," he calls out, eyes transfixed on their soul space mirror to the living world. G grudgingly relents, and joins everyone in listening to the start of Hibari Kyouya's geek cred mettle getting put to the test.

"_I'm harder than a multivariable calculus equation."_

"_That's a very unique analogy."_

"_Isn't it? How about this, my cock is as long as pi."_

"Really? He's comparing his dick to pi?" G says incredulously, unable to help himself. "Couldn't he say something less lame like, I dunno, 'expand my polynomial' or something?"

Asari shrugs. "Well, he did mention he is already calculus hard, so it's safe to assume that his polynomial is already expanded."

"SHHHH!"

"Sorry Primo," both Rain and Storm guardians chorus.

_"If a tonfa weighing one point five kilograms—"_

_"—Oh yes!"_

_"—with a length of one point five feet—"_

_"—Mmm, do it just like that!"_

_"—goes down with an average velocity of 90 mph—"_

_"—Faster! More!"_

_"…and lands on your jaw—"_

_"—Oh yes, do me now you zetta sexy beast!"_

_"—how far will your teeth fly?"_

"_Huh? That's not a valid math question."_

Daemon starts laughing uncontrollably at this point, with G following after, in an extremely rare moment of agreement. Alaude's fingers are twitching like he doesn't know who he wants to strangle more- his fellow guardians or his successor, who's currently not earning himself any points by effortlessly setting himself up as the latest subject of Daemon Spade's ridicule. Giotto's demurely hiding his chuckles by biting on his fist, while Lampo is torn between succumbing to his own amusement or hiding it in fear of Alaude's wrath, which is still formidable even in spiritual form.

Knuckle scratches his head. "I don't know what's going on but this is weird to the extreme!"

Asari shakes his head ruefully. "I'm sorry Alaude, but Hibari Kyouya is quite unfit for the ability he's trying to master."

"A shame, that," Alaude replies with delicate iciness. Alaude is using _sarcasm_. That means he is two bad jokes away from entering "screw loyalty" mode and administering posthumous pain via propagated handcuffs on all of them.

"Maybe he's just bad at math," Lampo supplies bravely, in an attempt to placate the seething Cloud guardian with his ever reliable dose of playground logic. Giotto really has to remind Lampo that two (negatives) insults do not make for a (positive) compliment. Now there's a relevant math lesson.

"Haha, I bet G's successor can keep up with this math fellow all night long ."

G abruptly stops laughing. "And what exactly are you implying with that huh, Uegetsu?"

"Guys, come on, there is comedy gold going on down there, and you're ruining it," Giotto complains. "Look, it's another episode of the Hibari Kyouya vs Rokudo Mukuro show. Quiet please."

"… _If you're going around asking for intimacy lessons, you should've come to me instead. You know I have extensive experience being inside people, kufufufu."_

"Wow Daemon, your successor is such a slut."

"I'm not really in a position to pass judgment on that but I suppose _you_ would know G, what with the times you've spent under Giotto's desk, sucking co—"

"—I said _quiet._"

_"… You mentioned having extensive experience inside people, the Namimori Sexual Health Clinic is 877-2793. You might want to visit before your latest STD devours the others."_

"Ooh, _burn."_

"So Alaude's boy does have _some_ sass."

Alaude continues to ignore all of them.

_"I understand why you'd be in denial. You are a fairly attractive specimen in your own right, but Tsunayoshi will never go for you and your deplorable methods of seduction when he has the option of choosing my far superior looks and sexual techniques."_

"Face it, your successors are all inferior to mine," Daemon declares.

"Funny you should say that, considering your successor kicked your ass the last time you guys met," G snaps back.

Daemon is undeterred. "The fact that he was able to do so is a testament to his undoubted superiority to all of yours."

"Cease your foolish blathering Daemon Spade, or I'll be forced to remind you why I was the strongest guardian in Vongola," Alaude finally speaks out, the chill in his voice changing the air from tense to dangerous in the space of a few seconds.

True to form, Daemon dismisses this, because this is the afterlife, and all threats henceforth are as empty as Xanxus' liquor bottles on the morning after. "I'm well aware of your battle prowess dear skylark. Yours and Hibari Kyouya's," he replies smoothly. "But let's not kid ourselves- in a battle of wits, your successor is not only unarmed, he's also blind and missing a limb."

The expected round of violence following this declaration is thankfully stymied by Asari's timely remark. "I bet my successor would make for an excellent call boy," he says thoughtfully.

"Seriously?" G demands. "You come from a line of warriors and nobles and _that's_ your takeaway from this?"

Asari laughs. "I'm just saying that if it's a matter of having the necessary social skills for this sort of business, Yamamoto-kun has them in spades."

"Do you realize how many things are wrong with that statement? An assassin using his charisma for a phone sex hotline is like a rocket scientist using his skills to change people's lightbulbs."

"Haha, relax G! I know our being dead means you don't have to worry about your blood pressure anymore but we are all just having fun here," Asari replies with a bright toothy grin. "Also, you cannot deny that the ability to entice other people is one of the most relevant skillsets in our line of work."

"That's true," Lampo says with a sigh. "He's still a brat now, but I have a feeling that my successor will probably grow up to become the male honey trap of the Vongola. And quite possibly end up with loads of illegitimate children."

"Well I think _my_ successor's skill in that area is a given," Daemon says flippantly. "Illusionists have the ability for wish fulfillment after all."

"Oh is this pimp your 10th generation counterpart day?" G says sardonically. "Sorry, I didn't get the memo."

At the mention of the word _pimp_, their resident man of god rises up. "A day specifically declared for moral destitution?" Knuckle asks thunderously, and rounds on Giotto. "As a man of the cloth, I cannot condone this!"

Giotto glares at G, who uncharacteristically bows his head meekly, because they're now all in the danger of getting another The-Vongola-Is-Becoming-a-Den-of-Sin-And-I-Cannot-Pray-For-Your-Souls-Fast-Enough lecture from their boxer priest. "There's no such day Knuckle, G's just being a smartass as usual," he says soothingly, thinking fast. "In fact, I was going to suggest that we cease betting on what kind of unsavoury occupations our successors would be good at and just change it to something harmless. Like… uh, who will get my cute descendant in the end!"

Giotto is immediately made aware of how he might have said a very dangerous thing when everyone, even Alaude, looks up, rising up to the challenge.

"This bet is a farce," Daemon says. "Clearly, my successor will win."

"Don't be so sure of yourself melonhead," G says, eyes narrowed. "There's a limit to what blackmail and trickery can achieve."

"Hibari Kyouya is not a man to be trifled with," Alaude says in tones of unusual conviction. "He will get what he wants, social impediments notwithstanding."

"Wild card entry!" A new voice pipes up, and everyone turns to see a familiar redhead wandering into the Vongola soul space. "I bet my precious Enma will win. They're both cute and can relate to each other better than anyone else!"

"Who the fuck let Cozart in here?" G demands, and groans when he sees the person tagging along behind the Shimon Boss. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I heard there's a call boy contest going on," Cavallone Primo replies sunnily.

It's all G could do to keep his jaw from dropping. "Please don't tell me you're pimping your descendant too because I honestly believe you to be much less ridiculous than Dino Cavallone."

"Nah, Dino is clearly going to get it on with Uegetsu's boy," Cavallone says, while squeezing himself on the seat beside Alaude, much to the latter's chagrin. "I always thought he'd be with Alaude's but heck, shows you how much I know."

"Well I, for one, will tread the path not taken and believe in the Tenth's inherent heterosexuality," Lampo announces. "That Haru character sounds determined to be his wife."

"I agree with Lampo!" Knuckle shouts. "I will also bet on someone whom the Vongola Tenth can go forth and multiply with!"

"Who are you betting on, Giotto?" Cozart asks.

"Hmm?" Giotto says absently, while watching Sawada Tsunayoshi freak out over the phone. "Myself, I think."

It's not until Giotto notices the active lack of noise that he realizes he said that out loud. "I mean, that nice, charming Kyoko girl, with her pretty smile and child-bearing hips, who will ensure that Tsunayoshi continues the prestigious Vongola line," he amends hastily. "She's his first love after all."

"Well said to the extreme!" Knuckle says, though it does little to avert the gazes of the other people in the room.

In fact, the stares get even more intense, and have collectively evolved into an odd mix of confusion, exasperation, and in Alaude's case, a hurtful lack of shock.

"What?" Giotto asks defensively.

"You were totally indulging your secret self-cest fantasies, weren't you?" G says with a frown.

"No, of course not!" Giotto says vehemently, before realizing there's really no way to save face from his faithful right hand man, who has gone above and beyond the "til death do us part" section of conventional marriage vows. "Okay… well, _maybealittle_. But you're still my number one, G," he adds quickly, and G allows himself a satisfied little hum.

Daemon snorts. "Congratulations Primo, you can now add incestuous, narcissistic, and pedophilic to your ever growing list of illustrious virtues. And you wonder why I revolted against you."

A freshly inspired G immediately defends his beloved's honour. "Hey Daemon, what age was Chrome Dokuro when you locked her in a hotel room and messed with her head again?"

Giotto sighs, giving up all hope of watching the current Vongola generation in peace, as G and Daemon spring up from their seats to initiate a fresh round of flinging word barbs at each other. He wonders for the nth time, if this eternal cycle of bickering is his afterlife punishment for whatever Vongola sins he committed in his heyday. He regretfully shuts down the soul space mirror, treating himself to one last look at his darling descendant, and squares his shoulders to prepare for damage control.

Cavallone Primo and Cozart ready themselves for another classic Vongola showdown, while Asari laughs, Lampo scurries to safer ground and Knuckle starts reciting the litany to atone for his brethren's foul mouths.

Alaude does the sensible thing and leaves.

~tbc~

* * *

**Post A/N**: G is my favourite 1st gen character, because I honestly believe he's what Gokudera would've been if he grew up with Tsuna. No hero worship, but still eternally loyal and with the zany overprotectiveness to murder the fuck out of anyone who hurts Giotto. Also, he's a badass with _pink_ hair and a flaming tattoo on his _face,_ how can I resist? I prefer to see 1st gen as their own group instead of a parallel of the 10th gen, so my preferences are different as well. Like, I staunchly ship 6927 but dislike Daemon/Giotto. Also, I like Alaude_ way_ more than Hibari.

**Guest Reviews Replies:**

**Guest (review #33):** In the off chance that you are still reading this for some reason... I have to say, you just gave me my first ever negative review in the... 7+ years I've been in FFN. It's a bit humbling. I just wish you could've elaborated why you thought my fic is so terrible, so I have an idea what I did wrong. But thank you for your input nevertheless.

**HiBiRdEpIc:** Hibari is the worst call boy ever, trufax. As for, Izaya, yeah I'm pretty sure he won't hate Hibari; I personally think he'd be fascinated by the utter strangeness of a human using animals as role models. Granted, the two of them meeting face to face would be a social disaster of beefed-up Enzilla proportions, but it'll be fun to see how the human lover would play off the self-proclaimed carnivore.


	7. Only God Knows Where We Stuck It

**A/N**: So I just realized I didn't update for the whole month of January. Life and other fics happened, so I'm really sorry for my lateness- I tried to make up for it by making this chapter extra long (around 7k words)

This chapter will contain lots of screen time for my all-time favourite KHR character and the king of my heart of hearts: Dino Cavallone. Why? Because he's been MIA for the past 3 updates and it's about time I brought him back. Also because it was his (and my) birthday last February 4. Belated Happy Birthday Dino-darling! * kees kees * Here, have a pineapple.

Yes, that means there's some 69D in this chapter, along with 8018, and… past Tsuna/insignificant!OC. * cue angry swearing and hovering over the back button * BUT it also finally contains actual 1827 and D80 interaction, so uh, hope that makes up for the OC pairing?

* * *

**Chapter 6: Like the Lost Catacombs of Egypt, Only God Knows Where We Stuck It**

"So let me get this straight," Dino starts, as he expertly makes a hairpin turn around a corner. "Kyouya's going around having phone sex with people using Mukuro's name as an alias?"

Beside him, Romario stirs with a jolt, the sleepiness of getting shaken up and dragged out of bed at midnight somewhat ebbing with this latest development to his boss' suicidal project.

"I don't know okay," Tsuna replies from the backseat. "That's what Mukuro said, and when I called Hibari-san to confirm, he didn't say anything."

"Oh man." Dino shakes his head regretfully. "If this is true, then I'm afraid that this is my fault."

Tsuna raises an eyebrow. "How so?"

"I told Kyouya he sucks at dirty talk."

"What? Why would you do that?"

"Because it's the truth," Dino answers, because really, it should be the most obvious thing in the world.

Tsuna opens his mouth to further ask why the hell Hibari would even deign to speak in such an unscrupulous, debasing, and highly undisciplined manner but ultimately decides it's the kind of knowledge he'll gladly live without and asks instead: "So what does this have to do with me going with you to Kokuyoland?"

"Because I know for a fact that Kyouya's over there right now fighting Mukuro and losing precious sleep, which means my dearest student will be cranky tomorrow morning and everyone over the age of one will bleed."

"Point taken," Tsuna sighs, and promptly smashes his nose into the front headrest when Dino pulls a sudden 90 degree turn to maneuver the red Mitsubishi Skyline into the abandoned gravelly parking space on the lot beside Kokuyo land.

"Here we go," Dino says with a small chuckle, as he kills the engine. Beside him, a groggy Romario unbuckles his seat belt and and pulls the latch to help Tsuna out of the backseat.

They could already hear the sounds of violence and destruction from a distance- the clash of metal, granite exploding to fine dust, and the unmistakable hiss of flames.

"Oh man, seriously Tsuna, why do you always have to attract the crazy ones?" Dino says, as they vault over the rusty gates and race towards the epicentre of the ongoing battle.

Tsuna would beg to differ on that, because _crazy_ doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the sort of people he attracts. In fact, _batshit insane_ is still sorely inadequate. No, if there's a combination of words that can accurately portray the levels of lunacy he encounters on a daily basis, no one has coined it yet, or every language unanimously deems it as something defying description.

They reach the battleground in record time. Already, half of the already dilapidated Kokuyo land looks like someone let loose a herd of angry bull elephants in it.

"Kyouya!" Dino calls out, waving his arms. "You need to stop this right now, young man!"

"Mukuro, it's midnight, you're costing Hibari-san his sleep!" Tsuna shouts. "Stop fighting!"

For all the attention the two paid them, the two Decimos may as well been insignificant insects on the wall.

"Try this, boss," Romario says, handing Dino a megaphone he picked out from god knows where.

"Thank you Romario, you are so reliable," Dino says gratefully, before turning back to the fight and hollering, "Hey Kyou—"

Dino doesn't get the chance to finish his sentence because Hibari immediately interrupts him via a thrown concrete slab. They duck, but the megaphone gets the brunt of it, smashing on the ground in a pile of spangled metal and wires.

Dino looks sadly at the remains of the megaphone and then at Tsuna. "So much for that idea. Quick, take off your clothes."

"What!" Tsuna yelps, arms reflexively wrapping around himself. "How will that help?!"

Dino just looks at Tsuna like he's disappointed in him.

Tsuna gets the meaning and blushes. "Hibari-san will not approve of indecent exposure."

"That's true, but Mukuro will be more than happy to stop for you."

Tsuna shrinks away. "I'm not taking off my clothes Dino-san."

"Well, you're the one who wants a non-violent approach," Dino says with a frown. He taps his chin thoughtfully, then reaches for his pocket. "I guess we can always use—"

"—Please don't bring out Enzio," Tsuna immediately requests.

"But—"

"—No matter what."

Dino shrugs and withdraws his hand. "…Okay."

No sooner than he said that however, Mukuro calls out, "Cavallone!"

Dino turns around, only to find a face full of turtle hurtling towards him, which he barely catches.

Mukuro smiles sweetly. "Hold on to her for me."

"No matter what, Dino-san," Tsuna repeats, his voice sounding brittle with barely suppressed panic now.

Dino looks at the turtle in his hand, and then at the one attempting to claw out of his jacket pocket. "… Can I leave him with Romario? He's chewing on my pants."

"Sure, just don't let him get within mating range of Enzilla."

"Okay- OWWWW! Enzio!" Dino glares at his pet, whose jaws are now clamped on Dino's finger. "Tsuna, Enzio says stop being a cockblock."

Tsuna's jaw unhinges rather unattractively. "You can actually understand what Enzio's saying?"

"No, but he's humping my whip handle, which is a universal reptilian sign for unjust sexual deprivation."

Tsuna's feels his mind's eye melt. "Dino-san. You can't be serious about—" He abruptly shuts his mouth and nearly trips backwards, when Dino shoves Enzio in his face.

"Enzio says don't be mean Tsuna," Dino says, as the turtle's beady eyes glare at the Vongola Decimo reproachfully.

"Oh god."

"I promise, no surprise god mode," Dino says earnestly, when Tsuna keeps looking at him and his salacious pet like they're everything that's wrong with the world. "The next creek's two miles away anyway."

Tsuna gives up. "… Just keep them dry."

Dino nods and hands over his charges to a chagrined Romario, then ushers him off somewhere near the forest, turning a deaf ear to the sound of Romario's choking fit of freshly inflicted psychological agony, and joins Tsuna again to continue watching the ongoing battle.

After seeing Hibari pulverize yet another wall with a single blow, he speaks up. "You brought your stuff?"

Tsuna sighs, pops a pill in his mouth, and joins Dino in jumping into the fray.

"Okay, break it up you two," he says wearily, his flaming hands fisting around Mukuro's trident and Hibari's tonfa and yanking both up in a way that doesn't look pornographic at all. Mostly.

It becomes decidedly less pornographic when he applies heat pressure to bend both completely out of shape though.

"Oya oya, Tsunayoshi-kun, you have such great timing," Mukuro says airily, even as he struggles to press forward, forcing Tsuna to bodily block him. "I was getting tired of seeing the angry bird's face, but now I'm graced with the lovely sight of your hot hand grasping my tined staff of wonder."

"Shameless abomination," Hibari hisses, and he reels his free arm back to punch Mukuro's nose into the rest of his face, only to have his arm entangled by Dino's whip.

"Stop it Kyouya," Dino says sternly. "Tsuna, get Mukuro away from us."

Mukuro has thankfully stopped struggling, though he has refocused his efforts instead to rubbing himself rather indulgently against Tsuna, who is too busy putting some distance between his troublesome guardians to notice. Hibari, ever the hawk-eyed predator on the other hand, notices, snarls, and calls Mukuro something so outrageously foul, it would make a hooker blush.

"Kyouya!" Dino gasps, scandalized.

"Kufufufu, and you want to bite Tsunayoshi-kun with that mouth?" Mukuro taunts. "I don't think so."

Tsuna's hyper intuition helpfully advises him to never pry into Hibari's internet habits. Belatedly, it also reminds him that crotch to crotch contact is really not necessary for blocking your opponent's movements. "What the- MUKURO!"

"Kufufufufu would you like to start a new battle against me Tsunayoshi-kun?" Mukuro says, looking at Hibari straight in the eye over Tsuna's shoulder. "Though of course by battle, I mean an extended pleasurable screw somewhere horizontal."

Hibari sees red. With the strength of a cavalcade of hellions, he manages to break out of Dino's hold, and summarily proceeds to lunge at Mukuro, who pushes Tsuna aside and meets Hibari head on. The fight begins anew, though with Tsuna having ruined both their weapons, it has degenerated to a hybrid of a flame-slinging and your run of the mill MMA match, only with more clothes, more blood, significantly less manly hugging, and a steady stream of progressively inflammatory remarks.

"Lecherous lowlife lout."

"Uncivilized degenerate."

"Perverted pathogen."

"Overcompensating, stuck-up prick!"

"Scintillate-deficient flagellate!"

"… What?" That last bit actually surprises Mukuro long enough for Hibari to sneak an elbow in.

"Kyouya was very engrossed in today's Biology lesson," Dino explains to Tsuna. "If I recall my science classes correctly, I'm pretty sure he just called Mukuro a defective and possibly radioactive sperm."

"…Right," Tsuna says faintly, as he thanks all concerned deities for making him too stupid to appreciate Hibari's esoteric repertoire of insults. He focuses his attention back to the fight, where a partly winded Mukuro retaliates against that elbow to the ribs with a leg sweep, and uses his shoulder to tackle Hibari to the ground. Tsuna briefly considers getting in between the two of them again, but he's not sure he can inflict more Mukuro upon his person without wanting to set everything on fire.

As he continues watching his two guardians wrestle over rubble, fighting like two cats might- hissing, spitting and lashing out, a thought suddenly strikes him like a dropkick to the spine.

Of course, why didn't he think of this before! It's so obvious, he wondered why the hell his hyper intuition neglected to pick up on it.

"I think we should let them be, Dino-san," he says, backing away slowly from the fight, which has abandoned all pretense of elegance in favour of raw testosterone.

"Huh? But Tsuna, what if one of them really kills the other?"

"They won't," Tsuna says with much conviction. How can he not have seen it? All the signs are staring him in the face. "I mean, we should let them fight to their hearts' content so they can finally work out their long-standing homoerotic conflict."

Dino doesn't know whether to laugh or sob at his darling brother's observation. "I don't think that's—"

"No, no I've been hindering them for all this time," Tsuna interrupts, wringing his hands, his tone coloured by his disbelief about his own blindness to his guardians' plight. "I feel so terrible. If only I let them duke it out sooner, think of all the damage we could have avoided."

"Tsuna, seriously, this is not what you think it—"

"—Anyway, it's past midnight and I really need to get to bed," Tsuna says, punctuating this with a huge yawn. "You should just head back to your hotel too Dino-san, you don't want to be here when they finally realize that they actually just want each other after all."

"But Tsuna—"

"—No need to drive me home Dino-san, I can get by just fine." And with that, Tsuna smiles sleepily at Dino, fires up his gloves and flies out.

This time, his untimely departure is immediately noticed by the two fighting guardians. "Where did Tsunayoshi-kun go?" Mukuro asks, while nonchalantly attempting to stuff live snakes down Hibari's shirt. Hibird repeatedly bombdives said snakes to defend its master.

"He went home," Dino answers with a grimace, silently cheering on his student when Hibari manages to grab a hold of one snake and proceeds to strangle Mukuro with it. "For some reason he seemed convinced that you were both, what did he say again? Oh yeah, _working out your homoerotic conflict_."

It's kind of hilarious how quickly the two of them sprung away from each other after that.

Hibari feels strangely violated, and it takes all his self-control not to visibly shudder in disgust. "That misconception is so vile I feel dirtier just hearing it."

"I know Tsunayoshi has his dim-witted moments but this is beyond ridiculous," Mukuro says, nose wrinkled in distaste. "I mean, did he just forget about our passionate tryst on that bed of orange jello yesterday?"

Hibari clenches his fists. "Your lies are getting tiresome, Rokudo Mukuro,"

Mukuro smirks. "You're just jealous that I was the one Tsunayoshi surrendered his V-card to."

"That's not possible," Dino speaks up immediately, and Hibari's eyes glimmer with a distinct sliver of satisfaction.

Mukuro sighs indolently. "I assure you, Tsunayoshi will verify it himself, if Bio-major ducklips here didn't scare him off."

"No, what I meant was, Tsuna hasn't been a virgin for a long time now."

This time, both guardians turn towards him, eyes narrowed. "You're lying."

Dino shakes his head. "Trust me, I was there."

This immediately results to two attempts to skewer him in the throat, which Dino is able to whip away in the nick of time, thanks to Romario being somewhere in the nearby vicinity. "Wait wait wait- it wasn't me!" he yells, waving his arms around like an avian on its death throes. "I meant, we were in the same hotel when it happened."

"Hotel?" Mukuro repeats icily.

"Yeah…" Dino says slowly, well aware of the killing auras flaring before him. "You're familiar with the concept of baptism by fire right?"

Mukuro looks crestfallen.

Hibari's expression, on the other hand, is a twisted mix of intense displeasure and disbelief. "Do you mean to tell me that Sawada Tsunayoshi has performed such illicit, filthy acts with some cheap whore?" (Translation: he's more experienced than I am?)

Dino gulps and takes a few steps back. "Well, she… wasn't cheap."

Hibari jaw clenches. "That is unacceptable." (Translation: I must gather my own experience right away) He picks up his remaining, undamaged tonfa, pivots on his heel and stalks away without looking back, as if he hasn't been doing his very best to murder Mukuro in his own backyard for the past hour. Minutes later, there's a roar of a motorcycle engine and a succeeding screech as it peels out and drives away.

Dino turns towards the remaining Vongola Guardian, who has his arms folded and clearly trying to give off the impression that he isn't sulking. "Well," he starts, not knowing what else to say. "That was… interesting."

"Indeed," Mukuro says, regarding Dino coolly before walking towards his ruined trident and picking it up. "Where's Enzilla?"

"Still with Enzio."

Mukuro sits back down on a half-destroyed wrought-iron bench. "At least someone's having fun."

Dino doesn't know what to make of that. "I could ask Romario to get them if you want."

"Oh don't be a cockblock, Cavallone."

"Enzilla's not even a real turtle," Dino points out.

"Does it matter?" Mukuro says dismissively. "That bed of orange jello wasn't real but Tsunayoshi certainly enjoyed himself all the same."

Dino doesn't say anything at first. He does make a mental note to give Tsuna a thorough talking down later though because instincts tell him that Mukuro isn't lying this time, and that kind of throws a monkey wrench into his haphazardly created but well-meaning plans. But still, if he wants his selfless romantic mission to succeed, he's going to have to make a stand, even if it's against a psychopathic hellspawn like Rokudo Mukuro. "You know," he starts bravely. "I would really appreciate it if you could stop macking on my brother and getting in Kyouya's way."

Mukuro gives him a look like Dino just asked him to rip out his own intestines and hang himself with them. Dino shrugs. It was worth a shot. He stands up, about to seek out Romario, cut his losses and go home when Mukuro speaks up again.

"A week."

Dino foot freezes midstep, and he quickly turns back. "Sorry?"

"I'm not unreasonable," Mukuro answers, his fingers languidly twisting the handle of his trident. "Admittedly, it would be amusing to see the angry bird fail in his attempts to seduce Sawada Tsunayoshi."

Dino's first instinct is to look around to check if he's being filmed for some cruel gag. He shelves it though, and chooses to make a gamble and take Mukuro's words at face value. "So you're giving them a week before you go back to your regular schedule of tormenting them?"

Mukuro sighs dramatically and leans on his broken trident, turning his head to look crossly at Dino. "You phrase it in such crass terms. But yes, that's what I'm saying."

Mukuro's actually backing down from a fight with Hibari. Flying pigs must not be far off in the future. "Wow, that's…" Dino says, trying hard not to gape. "…awfully generous of you."

Mukuro shrugs. "Not really. Tsunayoshi will succumb to me once I need him to. Because obviously, I am far superior to Hibari Kyouya in every way," he states matter-of-factly. "So let's even out the playing field. Right now, I think I can afford to give myself a handicap. Let it not be said that I never gave the little skylark a fighting chance."

Dino marvels at Mukuro's ability to make self-absorption and magnanimity work together in one sentence. "… Okay. What's the catch?"

"Ah, spoken like a true mafiosi," Mukuro says lightly, and checks his watch. "Well, it's past midnight. Which means, it's the next day, and I can get a head start on my daily quota."

Dino casts Mukuro a suspicious look. "Quota of?"

Mukuro looks up and grins like a fiend. "People of the Mafia persuasion to screw over."

Oh. Well, at least Mukuro's upfront with his nefarious, sadistic, probably concupiscent plans. "Do you mean that figuratively or…?" Dino lets the sentence drift off.

Mukuro's smile widens. "It depends on my mood."

Dino's well aware that he's treading in dangerous waters here, but he's too far gone to back off now. "And what's your mood now?"

"Hmm?" Mukuro looks up and taps his chin thoughtfully. "Well since you've mercilessly destroyed the sentimentality of yesterday's carnal rendezvous with Tsunayoshi, I'm in need of some comfort. In the form of a Ferrero Crunch mousse cake with Nutella icing. Stat."

Dino stares at him. "That's in Matier Chocolatier. In Italy."

"So it is," Mukuro agrees absently as he turns around fully to face Dino. "Well, barring that…" His two-toned eyes glitter beneath his lashes. "They say you're called the Bucking Horse for more than your skill with the whip."

Oh. _Ohhh._ So it's down to that huh? Well, it beats getting one of his men to take the redeye from Italy to Japan just to deliver a goddamn cake. Besides, Mukuro _is_ devilishly attractive, even if in the blithely murderous, sexual offender sort of way.

Also, Dino hasn't had any in a while. His ahem, _bucking horse_ needs to be maintained after all. So he supposes he can take one for Kyouya and Tsuna this time. Kill two birds with one stone and all that.

That decision made, he leans back and relaxes, sprawling out his legs enough to project just the right blend of power and provocation. "Do you really want to find out?"

Mukuro glances speculatively at Dino's crotch. "How long do turtles take to mate?"

"Considering the last time, they'll probably be done in 30 minutes to an hour."

Mukuro mulls over this for a minute before shrugging. "Time enough," he says, and tugs Dino into Illusion #69.

**0**

Sawada Tsunayoshi lost his innocence on his 16th birthday, in an opulent hotel room in Paris, where he learned the hard way that _"Je voudrais acheté un putain de la grande class"_ does not mean "I would like to order a large cheese pizza."

_"This is a huge misunderstanding," he tried to tell his father and self-proclaimed older brother, where the latter of which was offering him a supremely gorgeous woman of mind-boggling anatomical proportions._

"_And this is Valentina Devereau," Dino said brightly, as he courteously led the woman to sit beside Tsuna on the suddenly too-small couch. "She did me too when it was my turn. You won't be disappointed."_

_"Oh son, I'm sorry for neglecting your needs," Iemitsu said, shaking his head remorsefully. "I clearly fail as a father, seeing as it took an error in translation to remind me of this."_

_"What is __**this**__?" he asked weakly, barely suppressing an undignified screech as "Valentina" attempted to climb all over him. _

_"Baptism by fire," his father answered, before patting him heartily on the back, proud father tears forming tenuously on his eyes. "My baby boy is about to become a real man now!"_

_"It's a boss thing," Dino added seriously, though the effect was marred by the fact that he's summoned another scantily clad harlot to twine around him like a vine. "I went through with it too. Valentina is really good with her fingers."_

_"Mmrerggh," Tsuna whimpered, partially out of overflowing embarrassment and partially because of the plump set of breasts pressed against his cheek. The three shots of Bacardi 151 currently coursing through his blood could have also been a contributing factor. _

"_But but—Kyoko chan—" _

"_Take it from me my boy," Iemutsu interrupted. "Experience yields better results than sentimental innocence."_

"_Or in other words, two virgins fumbling about for the first time sucks harder than a black hole on meth," Dino translated, looking disturbingly gleeful at the prospect of besmirching his younger brother's teenage innocence._

"_A man that doesn't know how to handle his unit cannot call himself a man," Iemitsu added sternly._

_Whatever protests Tsuna tried to vocalize were drowned out as the door to the lounge slammed open, and in walked Gokudera, panting hard as if he ran several flights of stairs, with Reborn riding on his shoulder. "I reserved only... the best room… for you Tenth!" he announced, though he sounded like he was in great pain as he said it. _

"_Reborn, Dad, Dino-san, I don't think this is really necessary," Tsuna pleaded, even as a giggling Valentina seductively pulled him from the couch. _

"_Stop being a wimp Dame-Tsuna and go do your manly rites with your dying will!" And then Reborn shot him square on the forehead._

Tsuna shudders in his sleep, as memories he'd rather forget seep through his mind.

His eyelids flutter open as he hears the distant sound of something clicking, and turns to look to his side, expecting to see a gun barrel. None. Tsuna then remembers that Reborn has taken to sleeping in Bianchi's room lately, complaining about Tsuna's random yelling for whenever Mukuro deigns to visit him via dreamscape.

Blearily, he looks at the clock: 1:27 AM. He groans and rolls over, half wondering if Mukuro's come back to mess with him again, which should no longer be an option, if he could go mess with Hibari-san instead. Though maybe the fact that Hibari-san's sitting silently on Tsuna's window sill may have something to do with that.

Wait—the window?

Tsuna looks again and almost gets a heart attack when he sees Hibari watching him.

He does not scream like a prepubescent girl, as he is usually wont to do. He does however, knock his alarm clock and a glass of water to the floor, hit his head on the corner of the bed, and kick up his sheets in a manner that would have probably made him faceplant on the floor if not for a swift hand grabbing his collar at the last second.

"Did I startle you?" Hibari questions, his right hand tightly fisting Tsuna's loose night shirt.

Tsuna wants to say _ No, I just almost shat a brick, which is the same thing I'm sure_, but unless he wants Hibari to beat the wiseass out of him, he doesn't. Also, it's kind of difficult to speak, given that his collar is digging into his throat, so he simply nods and waves his arms haltingly in an attempt to convey to Hibari that saving him from falling off the bed is a moot point, if Hibari's going to choke him with his own night shirt as an alternative.

Thankfully, Hibari realizes this and lets go, and Tsuna leans back against his headboard, coughing.

Hibari wastes no time and stands imperiously in front of Tsuna, arms folded. "I wish to ask you a few questions regarding your mating habits."

Tsuna's eyes almost bug out of their sockets. Holy crap, Hibari moves fast. It's barely been two hours since he left his two guardians to work out their unresolved sexual tension, and Hibari's already sniffing him out for potential STDs via Mukuro. Then again, Tsuna should understand completely, because Hibari's not the first person to jump into bed with a mass-murderer come former convict whose sexual history is a complete question mark. "Uhhh…"

"I'll make this simple," Hibari says. "I mention a name, you'll answer yes or no."

Tsuna doesn't need his hyper intuition to know what he's answering to, and nods meekly.

Satisfied with Tsuna's obedience, Hibari starts. "Gokudera Hayato."

"No."

"Yamamoto Takeshi."

"No."

"Sasagawa Kyoko."

"I wish."

"I said yes or no only, herbivore," Hibari snaps, looking downright venomous now. "Can't you even follow simple instructions?"

"Sorry Hibari-san," Tsuna says timidly. "The answer is no."

"Enma Kozaato."

"No."

"Dino Cavallone?"

"… No."

"Are you sure?"

"Does it count if he's the one who made the arrangements?"

Hibari considers this carefully. "I'll forgive your inability to follow instructions this time," he says darkly, the promise of pain (Dino's) transparent in the steel of his eyes. "Moving on. The baby?"

"WHAT? NO!"

"Rokudo Mukuro."

"…"

"Rokudo. Mukuro." Hibari repeats, with dwindling patience.

"… Yes."

Hibari's eyes are the color of ice, hard and unforgiving and before Tsuna knows it, he's on his knees, babbling incoherently to Hibari's belt buckle. "But I didn't start it- he _made_ me Hibari-san, he said he's going to unleash god mode Enzilla in Namimori if I don't roll around in Jello with him and—"

The door suddenly opens, and Reborn walks in. "I thought I heard a noise—oh." He takes a cursory look at Tsuna bending prostrate in front of Hibari's crotch and carefully walks out again. "Carry on."

Tsuna is confused for a moment before becoming aware of his current position and almost topples over. "Wait, Reborn—"

Hibari grasps Tsuna's chin, effectively cutting him off, and forcing his attention back. "You are saying you were forced to sacrifice yourself to protect Namimori?"

Tsuna nods wordlessly, too mortified and scared to speak. Hibari's grip on Tsuna's chin tightens painfully, causing him to whimper. Hibari looks startled by the sound, and abruptly, he lets Tsuna go.

"I will bite that pineapple herbivore to death for this transgression," he says spitefully, fists clenched. He closes his eyes for a short moment, as if internally debating his next words, and opens them again to stare at Tsuna, his gaze unreadable. "I commend you for your efforts. But don't think this gives you the right to call yourself the boss of me."

"I don't want to be the boss of anyone," Tsuna answers softly, desperately trying not to quail under Hibari's intense gaze.

"I'm still stronger than you. I can show you how," Hibari says, as if Tsuna hasn't spoken. "You heard the baby. I could do it right now and take what I want."

Tsuna wants to pass out. Dear god, is he seriously going to have to fight his strongest guardian half-asleep in his pajamas at one thirty in the morning? How is Hibari even awake at this time of night? And where is Mukuro when Tsuna needs him?

Hibari rotates his shoulder and reels his arm back. Tsuna shrinks back against the headboard, fists raised in the best defensive stance he can manage while sitting on his pillows and backed into a corner. His eyes dart mournfully towards the pills and mittens on his desk across the room.

Hibari's arm shoots forward and Tsuna's hands reach up to protect himself, only to feel Hibari lightly flicking his forehead with one finger.

"But I won't," Hibari says, smirking as he pulls his hand back, enabling Tsuna's heart to return to pre-hypertension settings. "Not today."

Then all of a sudden, before Tsuna can even react, he leans forward, leaving the smallest calculable space where skin doesn't touch skin, and whispers, in the most menacing of tones:

"But I will._ Soon_."

Tsuna doesn't dare to breathe. He's never been this close to his cloud guardian before, where his vision is filled with nothing but the blue quicksilver of Hibari's eyes. His wayward thoughts immediately cease into white noise at the back of his mind. Thoughts like, how he's pretty sure this should count as crowding, or how unfair it is to be the one among Mukuro's line-up of sexual conquests who has to deal with Hibari's unorthodox methods of interrogation, or how he really just wants to get some sleep, because he doesn't want to add tardiness on top of his pyromaniac disciplinary record. Which Hibari has yet to punish him for by the way.

They don't seem very relevant now. It's difficult to think of such mundane things when one is the object of Hibari Kyouya's full attention at point blank range.

"And when I do," his strongest guardian continues, when Tsuna doesn't say anything, his breath warm on Tsuna's lips, slender fingers loosely cradling the back of Tsuna's neck, "I will make it so that you won't even _think_ about saying no."

Before Tsuna could even process what Hibari is threatening him with, the prefect has already gone back a healthy distance.

"That said," he starts, all business again. "Is there anyone else I should know about?"

Tsuna swallows, mind whirring, feeling like he's never going to catch up with Hibari's unpredictable mood changes. "No," he breathes out, feeling faint. "No one else, Hibari-san."

Hibari lips quirk up at this. "Then that is all, Sawada Tsunayoshi." He then reaches out, and pats Tsuna's hair. "Go back to sleep," he whispers almost pleasantly, and proceeds to knock Tsuna's lights out.

* * *

Yamamoto whistles a merry tune as he jogs along the corridor on the way to the school lockers. Baseball practice has been called off, which is quite convenient as it allows him to join Dino earlier for Hibari duty this afternoon. He should do better with Hibari than Tsuna, who has been very skittish today, jumping up at loud noises, and eyes constantly darting around as if on the lookout for something. He even rushed home as soon as the bell rung, muttering something about catching up on sleep, and going as far as to ask Gokudera to take over his classroom duties for today, something he never does, but conveniently something that Gokudera is all too happy to do.

Couple that with the fact that Hibari is even more ornery today, and that he and Tsuna are both sporting fashionable bags under their eyes... well, something obviously happened. Something huge.

Yamamoto's really curious to know whether those twin yoga masters he lent to Hibari had anything to do with it.

This current line of rumination is rudely interrupted though, as he is violently pulled into a room, an arm tightly pressed against his throat and one hand clamped around his mouth. It's a good thing he saw the tattoos before his assassin reflexes could trigger and find Dino with a mechanical pencil stuck halfway through his thigh.

It's dark. The only light is a sliver coming in from the small space between the door and the frame, and he could barely make out the shape of mops, brooms and various bottles somewhere near the corner. His right foot hits what seems to be a metal can as Dino lets him go.

"Dino-san… why are we in the janitor's closet?"

"I'm hiding from Kyouya."

"Why?" Yamamoto asks, turning around and directing his gaze towards the latitude of where Dino's eyes could be.

"I'm not exactly in his good graces right now," Dino answers as he reaches out blindly, looking for the light switch, and knocks over a bottle of something in the process.

Yamamoto catches the glass bottle in the nick of time. "Did something happen last night?" he asks, as he puts the bottle on safer ground.

"A lot of things happened last night," Dino answers. There's a clicking sound, and the incandescent lightbulb above them flickers to life, its inadequate, dim light barely letting them see each other's features. Dino's hair is all over his face, like he spent all day running his hands through it, and his eyes are clearly tired behind the glasses. "They involved Mukuro. So none of them were good."

Yamamoto frowns. "Oh." That rules out twincest yoga masters then. "I'm guessing you won't be joining me with Hibari?"

"No. Sorry about that," Dino says, sincerely apologetic for having to bail on today's supposed tag-teaming of his stubborn, prickly student. "But I'll be working on Tsuna instead. He seems to have gotten it into his head that Kyouya and Mukuro are secretly in love with each other or something."

Yamamoto isn't too shocked by this. "Did any of the things that happened yesterday involve Mukuro and Hibari fighting each other?"

"Yes—how did you know that?"

"Well, I can see where Tsuna's coming from," Yamamoto answers with a shrug. "Mukuro and Hibari fight really… _intensely_. All that biting and snarling and slamming each other around… It's easy for stuff to be misconstrued you know?"

Dino groans. "Seriously? Can't two men bearing deadly weapons of only incidentally phallic nature clash together in a fight to the death without it being a metaphor for something?"

Yamamoto briefly remembers his sparring matches with Squalo and how they usually end up exploring more than one definition of _swordplay._ "Haha, no."

Dino scowls, and folds his arms. "Well I know for a fact that Kyouya would rather tie raw salmon to his dick and stick it in the jaws of a starving bear than entrust it to Mukuro's hands," he says stubbornly. "So that's not happening."

"Hmm, I wouldn't know about that," Yamamoto disagrees pleasantly. "Well, Mukuro… he's a lot like life, you know. He fucks everyone at some point."

Dino opens his mouth then promptly shuts it again when he realizes that his witty rebuttal of "No he doesn't" is a bit hypocritical, considering where he ended up last night. Then an implication of what Yamamoto said occurs to him. "… Including you?"

Yamamoto just grins, and Dino feels oddly jealous, if the unpleasant clawing sensation in his gut is any indication.

There must have been a visible shift in his expression because Yamamoto suddenly looks at Dino curiously. Dino hopes to god Yamamoto doesn't choose this time to employ his wondrous observation skills, because that would be horribly pathetic on Dino's part, considering how deeply uninvolved the two of them are, apart from being bosom buddies in this matchmaking mission. A small moment of awkward silence passes. Then—

"Haha, you know what I just realized?" Yamamoto says all of a sudden. "I've never actually sparred with you before."

The unexpected subject change rattles Dino a little, but this is Yamamoto, who has unconsciously made an art form out of conversational segues, so he doesn't think too much on it. "No, we haven't."

Yamamoto stuffs his hands into his pockets. "I must admit, I'm a bit curious to see where you got your moniker."

Dino makes a face at this. "Believe it or not, it doesn't have anything to do with horses whatsoever."

"Haha really? Then maybe there's something about you that is just equine in nature?"

Dino has a bad feeling as to where this is going. "… I had large front teeth before Reborn made me go through a series of orthodontic procedures?" he hedges.

"Is that it?" Yamamoto tilts his head and shifts his weight to the other foot, his eyes zooming in to what Dino convinces himself is the estimated placement of his leather weapon under his blazer. "Everyone says it's your skill with the whip."

Dino looks down, suddenly self-conscious for some obscene reason. "Well, that too."

Yamamoto smiles happily and leans back against the wall. "I think it would be really cool if we could get together sometime… " He pauses, and grasps his baseball bat, rubbing a thumb smoothly along the indents of the handle, as he looks at a flustered Dino straight in the eye. " So I could match my sword against your whip."

_Called it_, Dino moans silently to himself, gulping as feels the familiar stir of his traitorous libido flaring up within him. Seventeen. Yamamoto's making a criminal out of him, and he can't even tell if Yamamoto is aware of it.

Goddamit. Stupid weapons and the stupid metaphors that come with them.

"Sure," he manages to eke out.

Yamamoto is still looking at him with that stupidly easygoing expression. "Great! You can show me how you handle your whip," he says cheerfully, as Dino strains to listen to the last dregs of his conscience, which now sounds like it's talking to him from under a great pile of rocks. "And I'll show you my swordsmanship." He flicks his wrist and spins the bat to a horizontal position, and Dino's fingers instinctively move and wrap around it before he can think about what he's doing.

Yamamoto eyes glint with a deadly light. He casually pulls the bat, and Dino stumbles forward, only for his forearms to be grasped within Yamamoto's large hands. "Is that okay with you?" Vongola's rain guardian continues, his lips turning up into a smile of razor-edged sunshine. "Dino-sensei?"

Yamamoto is _impossible._ Then again, Dino should expect nothing less from Reborn's protégé. He licks his lips, and curses Japan's minority laws one last time before tentatively leaning in.

The door is violently swung open, and Dino's eyes immediately seize up at the sudden influx of bright light, as he recoils from Yamamoto, shielding his eyes.

"Found you," Hibari says with a feral little smirk.

* * *

Hibari ignores Dino's confused protests, and drags Yamamoto by the wrist, away from his teacher, who is steadily adding more reasons for Hibari to bite him dead. Keeping students in a closet and putting them under his lascivious sway… unforgiveable. Dino's lucky that Hibari's too busy to punish him properly for now; otherwise the Cavallone Tenth would probably be going home in the back of an ambulance later.

Yamamoto, the idiot, just laughs and shouts nonsense reassurances to Dino, until Hibari, growing weary of his prattle, yanks hard, and the rain guardian is forced to turn around and keep up with Hibari's brisk pace.

Yamamoto says nothing else but he does look at Hibari quizzically. He doesn't make any herbivorous protests, which is good, as Hibari doesn't really want to make the effort of having to whack him into silence, having already exhausted his patience with driving unruly students off the school premises for the past hour.

Besides, he chose Yamamoto for a specific purpose, and he needs him conscious for it.

They reach the DC office. Hibari locks the door behind him and marches around his desk and to his seat of power, leaving a bewildered Yamamoto standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

Hibari reaches inside his book bag. "Those videos you call porn are disgusting," he says tossing the gaudy DVD to Yamamoto's direction, who immediately catches it. "I do not wish to sully my eyes with such garbage."

Yamamoto scratches the back of his head. "Well, different strokes for different folks I guess?" he says with a light chuckle. "I'm sorry Hibari, but I'm not sure what you're expecting."

Hibari shifts in his seat, and leans forward, resting his chin on clasped hands. "You."

Yamamoto looks around as if trying to locate someone else, before pointing to himself. "Me?"

"You're not completely disgusting," Hibari declares. He stands up from his leather seat with the grace of a panther and saunters towards Yamamoto. "And admittedly, you have a better read of Sawada's… preferences." He grabs Yamamoto's tie and yanks him down to eye level. "As such, you shall give me a demonstration of how one is supposed to go about these matters."

Yamamoto's eyes change from confused to delighted. "Hands on?'

"Among other things." Hibari's eyes gleam predatorily as he pushes Yamamoto into a black leather armchair. "Now take off your pants."

~ tbc ~

* * *

**Post A/N:** In my headcanon, Hibari can insult anyone endlessly with an open biology text book in front of him. * is shot *

**Guest replies:**

**HiBiRdEpIc**: I've been replying to you since Chapter 3. :D Thanks to you, I am now craving real Izaya/Hibari fic. Why does it not exist. Someone stop me before I get it into my head to write it and subsequently incense the combined network of D18, 1827 and Shizaya fangirls..

**Saruko**: Thank you for the wonderful comment! Stay tuned for more wacky misadventures of Vongola and co.


	8. So Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine

**A/N:** Rating is upped to **M**, because Yamamoto and Hibari are naughty boys. Not copping out with off-screen shenanigans this time. More 8018 / 1880 and some brotherly D27 in this update. As usual, this is unbeta'd so if you catch any mistakes, please let me know and I'll fix them right away.

**Warnings: **Incredibly awkward crack smut, and gratuitous mentions and discussion of man meats, so _read at your own discretion_. Also, for the love of Mukuro's dark, kinky tentacle god, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SEEK OUT ANY WEBSITE DINO MENTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER. I mean it. I will not be responsible for any urges to douse one's eyes in muriatic acid. **This is your final warning.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: So Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine**

Admittedly, when Hibari was laying out the rules and corresponding sanctions his good office would be taking over for in Namimori High, never in his wildest imagination (not that he had much of one to begin with) did he ever foresee that this might include demanding a student to strip for an activity totally unrelated to regular medical inspections. In fact, such a scandalous activity would normally warrant some hard discipline from the business end of his twin tonfa, but Hibari reasons that certain exceptions may be made on his behalf, because he's doing it for both educational and punitive purposes. The end justifies the means and all that.

"Fold your pants properly, and place them on the table beside the couch."

"Okay, Hibari.."

Hibari watches as Yamamoto obediently does as he's told, large hands neatly smoothing out his trousers as he folds lengthwise, then crosswise, with nary a single protest. Hibari doesn't need to explain himself to anyone, but as long as he's within the school grounds, he's duty bound by the power vested in him as the head disciplinarian to inform students of their transgressions and their corresponding retribution, prior to the actual administration of punishment.

He takes his duties very seriously. So.

"I suppose you are wondering why I'm doing this."

"Haha, not really."

Hibari raises an eyebrow at this nonchalant dismissal but plows on anyway. "This is your punishment for daring to befoul my sight with those grotesque videos."

"Oh okay!"

Hibari doesn't know whether to be pleased or alarmed at the easy way Yamamoto Takeshi readily accepts his fate. "But since I'm aware that you had no ill intent ," he says, switching tactics. "I've decided to let it pass, provided that you aid me in exploring the finer points of human carnal relations."

Yamamoto sits up straight, his grin lighting up like a beacon. "Of course, leave it to me!"

Well at least Hibari doesn't have to worry about consent with this one. "Very well." He then shrugs off his gakuran and hangs it on the nearby coat rack. "I believe you have greater levels of tolerance than your herbivorous companions," he says in crisp, authoritative tones, as he methodically divests himself of the rest of his clothing. "As such, it should be reasonable for me to expect no complaints from your end."

"Haha, sure thing Hibari!"

_Does nothing faze this man?_ "Do you understand what I'm saying?" Hibari snaps. "I'm telling you to shut up and bend over."

"No problem!"

Yamamoto Takeshi is an _idiot._ Hibari glares at Yamamoto's stupid, eager face, and with a huff, proceeds to unbuckle his own belt.

**Hour One:**

Hibari's not really sure how it happened. He's quite certain that this whole process started with his methodical application of hands to various, supposedly erogenous zones on Yamamoto's welcoming body. In fact, he was doing quite well, based on the catalogue of delightful, breathy noises he managed to elicit from the other boy. But then somewhere along the way, Yamamoto asked if he can reciprocate, at which point Hibari decided that mutual exploration would be quite more beneficial (and pleasurable) than a one-sided one, and curtly agreed.

That's when Yamamoto removed his shirt, excitedly said something about going through the bases, and took over with his admittedly rather well-versed hands and tongue, making Hibari feel tingly in places he never even knew existed and drawing jagged blanks in his brain.

And now, before Hibari knows it, Yamamoto's breathing "Just relax" into his ear, and pushing a slicked up finger into his _very special_ body part.

Hibari is so startled, that instead of reflexively decking Yamamoto across the jaw for his audacious intrusion, he just curls in, ankles crossing behind Yamamoto's back.

When it dawns on him that yes, there is something that should _not_ be there in that private, supposedly exit-only place, he growls and makes a move to re-enact his first instinct, only to stop midway when Yamamoto does some strategic wriggling inside him that makes Hibari's spine arch, so instead of hissing, "How dare you insinuate that I'll be playing the receiving role " he says instead, "Do that again."

Yamamoto brightens up. "Ah I found it! See?" he says happily, as he does _it_ again, and Hibari is astonished to realize that those strange sounds are actually coming from his mouth. "This is what you're aiming for. This, Hibari, is the home run!"

Hibari blinks at him.

"Well, okay not exactly the home run, but it will be once you use your bat—"

"Why are you talking about baseball?" Hibari interrupts.

"Ah right, I didn't explain it earlier…" Yamamoto laughs awkwardly and much to Hibari's disappointment, withdraws his fingers. "I was so engrossed in doing the motions, I realized I forgot to explain. Haha, sorry!"

"Explain _what_?"

"Maa maa," Yamamoto says, smiling coquettishly, as he places his hands on either side of Hibari's hips and leans over –_Crowding_, Hibari thinks, annoyed— "Let's start from the top, okay?"

Hibari's all but lost his patience with Yamamoto's evasive blather, and is about to tell him as such when Yamamoto sneakily closes the remaining distance between them and cuts off whatever Hibari's about to say by making his tongue feel at home in Hibari's mouth. Yamamoto kisses like he fights, seemingly playful at first, lulling his enemies into a false sense of relaxation, and then suddenly turning aggressive and deadly without warning. It pleases Hibari enough to let Yamamoto's insolence slide, as heat pools in his stomach, fuzzy and not entirely unpleasant.

"That's base one," Yamamoto says, licking his lips when he moves back. "There are three others. Now…" He reaches out and places calloused hands on the top of Hibari's thighs, thumbs gently stroking along the crest of his hipbones, the innocuous touch somehow making Hibari's breath catch in his throat without permission. Yamamoto's eyes twinkle excitedly, but there's a hungry edge to it, as he meets Hibari's own ferocious gaze head on.

"… Let's go over them one by one shall we?"

**Hour One Point Five:**

Hibari glares at Yamamoto's flaccid cock like it personally insulted him. "Why are you not hard yet?"

Yamamoto laughs sheepishly, and tries not to grimace when Hibari tries to push his finger in deeper. "Pro-ouch-bably because it doesn't work that way, Hibari."

"What do you mean it doesn't work that way?" Hibari demands, agitated that he's not getting the results he wants. "You did it to me and it was sufficiently stimulating."

"Haha, the prostate is not a magic button you press for instantaneous result, you know," Yamamoto says, and has to bite his lip to keep from wincing when Hibari's makes a noise of outrage and stubbornly tries to disprove this. "When I did it to you, I had at least twenty minutes of foreplay in, so you were already malleable and happy in several places."

"Yes, but I used proper lubrication," Hibari insists. He doesn't understand what else is wrong—he even got the nice expensive Swedish lube that smelled like apricots.

"Even so. I mean, in baseball, you can't just cut across the field to the last base."

Hibari glowers at him. "These sports analogies are beginning to try my patience."

Yamamoto laughs and shifts, delicately extricating Hibari's apricot-scented fingers from his ass. "Okay, well it's like this," he says, scooting back to give Hibari some space, and starts gesturing with his hands. "You need to make him go OOOHH with necking and petting, gradually going lower and lower until you can reach down really smoothly to make him go OHHHH YES! Then you just gently push one digit in while distracting him with a kiss, the wet kind okay and not the CHUUUU kind so that you can drown out the SQUISH SQUISH sound. And then you have to wait for him to adjust and when he goes AAAHH OH THERE, you press on and add another one til it's like SCHLICK SCHLICK, and then when he's gone all dopey and just shaking all over the place, that's your cue to give him the D."

Explanation done, he pauses a bit to catch his breath and then grins at Hibari. "Does that make things clearer?"

Hibari grits his teeth and resists the temptation to punch Yamamoto in his fucking _D_. "…Fine. Go back to baseball."

**Hour Two:**

Hibird titters loudly on his perch on the windowsill, a cacophonous racket that sounds a little too much like its mocking its owner and Hibari throws it a poisonous look. Hibird turns away and flits around, chirping even louder, which may have less to do with Hibari's displeasure, and more to do with the way Hibari's cheeks are puffed up from…well, their latest lesson on third base.

"Maa maa, it's okay, Hibari," Yamamoto assures him. "Practice makes perfect."

"Hibari sucks! Hibari sucks!" Hibird chirps as it makes itself comfortable on Yamamoto's messy hair.

_No birdseed for you later, you cheeky canary_, Hibari thinks bitterly, as he retreats, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, furious with himself at how sloppy he is at this. Goddamit. The internet makes it look so easy.

Yamamoto reaches a hand out to him but Hibari slaps it back, glaring daggers at the other boy, like it's Yamamoto's fault Hibari's gag reflex is not fine-tuned for third base. "Don't patronize me."

"It's not your fault, Hibari," Yamamoto says with a rueful sigh, drawing his stinging hand back. "I told you, this kind of thing takes time. Also, the logistics of blowjobs are kind of biased against you."

Logistics. Hibari would have scoffed at Yamamoto's impudent presumptions but he cannot deny that the rain guardian has a point. Hibari has a small mouth, with lips shaped in a prim pink bow, and emphatically not designed to take in something as sleek and heavy as Yamamoto's cock, but like hell he's going to let that stop him from learning how to deep throat. Really, just because he's taking a bit longer compared to Yamamoto, who took all of three minutes to send stars careening behind Hibari's eyelids without even using his hands, doesn't mean Hibari's any less capable. He just has to adapt with the tools nature has given him. And try to remember whatever his sparse surfing habits enlightened him with.

So. Ignoring Yamamoto's advice, he tries again.

"OW! Haha, uh Hibari… you're not supposed to use your teeth there."

Hibari raises an eyebrow and promptly releases Yamamoto. "Why not? According to the internet, this is supposed to be pleasurable."

"You…" Yamamoto prudently moves away before Hibari can think about resuming his task. "…get tips from the Internet?"

"Where else?" Hibari says, with an irate eye roll. "There are plenty of written instructions online. In narrative format even."

If anything, Yamamoto looks even more alarmed. "Haha narrative? Oh man, oh wow…" He lets his voice trail off as takes a deep breath to calm himself down- as laid back as Yamamoto is, even he needs to take into consideration the fact that he's entrusting his most precious manly organ into the mouth of someone whose catchphrase is 'Bite You to Death.' Desperately, he racks his brain for a way to explain this without earning the painful indignation of their prickly cloud guardian. "Okay, uh you know that _ravage_ and _ravish_ are two different things right?' he tries, and chuckles nervously as Hibari's thin lips purse in blatant irritation. "Because the latter one is OOH, and the former one is OUCH."

Okay, so it isn't the best explanation, but it's the best he can come up under threat of excruciating, botched up oral sex courtesy of bad internet sources.

"Do you take me for an idiot? Of course I know that," Hibari snaps. Then he pauses and appears to consider something. "Hmm, I knew there was something odd with those stories."

At _that_ revelation, Yamamato is perfectly willing to skip third base at this point in time, especially when Hibari frowns and looks close to the very herbivorous act otherwise known as sulking. "Yes well. Ravish only," Yamamoto ekes out. "Okay?"

"So," Hibari says, not bothering to hide his disappointment. "Are you suggesting that I cannot make use of my teeth?"

**Hour Two Point Five:**

In retrospect, Yamamoto shouldn't have made a demonstration on what happens when teeth are involved in places where teeth should never touch, but the near-tears expression on Hibari's face makes the tonfa to the jaw worth it.

At least they've moved on to last base this time.

And there, Yamamoto discovers to his delight, Hibari is a total natural.

**Hour Three:**

"So Hibari, have you had enough of our game?"

"Your punishment. Not our game," Hibari corrects, but doesn't do any more than that. "And if you think this is enough to tire me out, you're sorely mistaken." He emphasizes this by reaching over to his book bag and pulling out a fresh pack of Durex feather-lites, then unceremoniously tossing it in Yamomoto's direction.

Yamamoto catches the item and grins, before stretching himself face down across the couch, resting his head on his arms. "Right," he murmurs, lazily opening the square box to pick out one foil packet. "I wouldn't expect any less of you."

Hibari takes a moment to study his current partner and temporary stepping stone to his true goal. He has to admit, as far as looks go, Yamamoto Takeshi is a quintessential example of what herbivores would normally call sex-on-legs. He has an exquisite, powerful body— toned arms leading up to broad, balanced shoulders and connecting to a lean chest; effortless abs that taper to narrow hips, which finally stretch to long, strong legs, all encased in healthy sun-kissed skin. And of course, there's also the matter of his indisputably significant penis.

Too bad he couldn't lose that stupid laugh and that ridiculous perma smile, though Hibari acknowledges that they're probably traits that other herbivores might find appealing. Still, as far as experimental partners could go, Hibari could definitely do worse.

Yamamoto flips around to lie down on his back, one knee raised as he gazes sideways at Hibari, holding up the foil packet between two fingers, looking like a sexy, x-rated condom ad.

Yeah, Hibari could definitely do much worse.

"Well then, if that's the case, ready for round… " Yamamoto looks up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "What round are we again?"

Hibari smirks and in a flash, he's straddling Yamamoto, knees clamping around the other boy's hips, eliciting a sharp intake of breath. "It doesn't matter," he declares. "I'm going to win."

Yamamoto laughs, but when he looks up at HIbari, his eyes have turned sharp and dangerous, and his smile takes a different, salient turn, one Hibari could even approve of. It's good to be reminded that for all his congeniality, Yamamoto is still a sportsman at heart and therefore insanely competitive, which is a good thing, as this would be boring otherwise.

"Bring it."

**0**

Tsuna's currently in the process of 'accidentally' tipping the plate of "brain booster" cookies Bianchi thoughtfully baked for his afternoon snack into his trash can when Dino shows up at his door, looking uncharacteristically morose.

"... I take it I was wrong about the homoerotic conflict?" Tsuna asks, hastily putting back the plate on his desk when Bianchi passes by the door of his room behind Dino.

Dino scowls darkly, and flounces into the room, before dumping his disgruntled self on Tsuna's double bed. "Oh they had some homoerotic conflict alright," he mutters, and throws Tsuna a reproachful look. "Just not for each other."

Tsuna groans. "Dino-san, we've been over this. I'm not gay."

Dino folds his arms. "… What, so you tripped and your dick just happened to fall into Mukuro's open mouth or something?"

Tsuna raises one eyebrow at Dino's acerbic retort. His normally easygoing big brother is actually employing sarcasm. This must be a much bigger deal than Tsuna originally thought. "… I was trying to stop him from causing mass hysteria in Namimori with Enzilla," he reasons out carefully.

The Cavallone Tenth remains undeterred. "So with that logic, I can threaten to let Enzio take a refreshing dip in the school pool and you'll gladly offer yourself to me?"

Tsuna cannot even begin to count the many things that are wrong with that statement. He opens and closes his jaw a few times before settling on: "… That sounds really disturbing and vaguely incestuous so I'm going to... pretend you didn't just say that."

At this, Dino softens. "Okay sorry, you're right, that's a terrible thing to say," he says, sounding genuinely apologetic before breaking out into a triumphant smile. "I do have good news though. I've managed to get Mukuro to leave you alone!"

Tsuna looks up hopefully. "For good?"

"I'm a mafia boss, not a miracle worker. For a week."

Oh. Well, a Mukuro-free week is still nothing to scoff at. "Thanks Dino-san," Tsuna says, smiling gratefully. A pause, then he adds, "How did you manage do that?"

Dino's victorious smile becomes a bit more brittle. "Well after you ditched me, Kyouya also ditched me," he says, as he recalls the events of last night with a visible shudder. "Mukuro wasn't pleased with the fact that he wasn't your first time after all, so he became all churlish and moody and had to be "comforted." Three guesses for where that went."

Tsuna actually takes a moment to think about that, before the obvious hits him over the head with a memory he'd rather not go back to _ever,_ and he suddenly becomes pale, guilt bearing down on him like a wall of bricks. "… Oh," he says, hands flying over his mouth. "Ohmygod, I'm so sorry. Did he use—"

"—Illusion 69? Yeah." Dino sniffs unhappily. "I still feel sticky in my unmentionables and it's not even real jello..."

Tsuna winces, knowing exactly how Dino feels. "… I don't know what to say."

Dino looks up for a few moments, tapping his chin as if in deep thought, before turning to Tsuna with the sort of sweet, hopeful smile he's been known to employ when something shady is afoot. "Try, 'how can I make it up to my handsome, self-sacrificing big brother?' "

Tsuna studies Dino's swift shift of mood with some suspicion, but ultimately ends up sighing in acquiescence, guilt overriding his instinct for self-preservation. "… Alright. Is there anything I can do for you, Dino-san?"

Dino's expression brightens up even more, if such a thing is possible. "Why yes indeed my cute little brother, there _is_ something you can do for me!"

"Does it require me to take off my clothes?"

"No, but it involves a bet with Romario."

Romario bless his soul, has always been Dino's voice of reason so surely, anything he puts his stake on isn't anything too scandalous. "I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but fine, what is it?"

Dino's looks almost giddy as he bounds over to Tsuna's chair. "Prove Romario wrong and show me that you can last 100 seconds in this website."

Tsuna bites his lip. "Is it scary?"

"Nope."

"Does it involve any extreme kinks?"

Dino laughs. "Nope."

"Okay." Tsuna squares his shoulders and takes a deep breath, resigning himself to the fact that he allowed himself to play right into Dino's hands. "Fine, I'll give it my best shot."

Dino grins and leans over, placing his fingers on Tsuna's keyboard, and types meatspin dot com.

**0**

"That was fun!" Yamamoto says happily, cleaning up as Hibari instructed him to do. "I'm so honored that you chose me for your first time."

Hibari knocks back the urge to bean Yamamoto with a throw pillow for his cockiness. Hibari's not so herbivorous as to make a big issue out of this concept of virginity; after all, it's not like he misses it now that it's gone.

But yes, he agrees with Yamamoto on the rest. This whole enterprise has been incredibly fulfilling. He yawns and stretches on the couch, feeling warm and sticky, but ultimately satisfied. Yamamoto Takeshi can be counted on when it matters, Hibari will give him that. He'd even go as far to say that Yamamoto could actually be…

"I was actually not expecting you to ask me."

…. a predator under the guise of sheep...

"Because you know who else you could've asked?"

… whose fangs could be further sharpened under the proper guidance, and he's—

"Mukuro!"

… an _imbecile _who cavorts with a highly contagious, licentious parasite with an atrocious hairdo.

It doesn't help that Hibird immediately chirps, recognizing the boss of its former master. Hibari sits up straight, all his orgasm-induced euphoric glow dissipating at this new revelation. "I thought you'd know better than that, Yamamoto Takeshi," he says, feeling oddly cheated for some reason. "Obviously, I've misplaced my faith."

Yamamoto scratches his head sheepishly. "Haha, well he's got several reincarnations head start of me, so can't blame you for thinking I'm not as awesome in bed as—"

"That's not what I meant," Hibari growls. First Sawada, now Yamamoto. Who's next, Cavallone? "Get tested, you don't know where that pondscum has been."

"Well he's been to Tsuna, that's for sure."

"—It is not wise to keep stressing that information." Hibari's icy tone can freeze hot coals.

Yamamoto looks puzzled for a moment before the warning glare Hibari sends his way makes realization dawn on him and he immediately offers an apologetic smile. "Oh right, sorry about that," he says, raising his hands in a placating manner, mentally kicking himself for his insensitivity. "Um well, about the testing thing… I can personally vouch for Mukuro; he did mention that if ever he encounters any issues on that end, he can always go to Shamal, since he's perfectly fine with illusory boobs ."

Hibari scowls at Yamamoto's glowing endorsement of that devilspawn, but he does take note of the rest of the information, and vows to strengthen the existing illusion repelling measures he set up around his school.

Speaking of illusions though, a thought suddenly occurs to him, and he looks at Yamamoto speculatively, cradling his chin between his thumb and forefinger. As much as Hibari despises the fact that Rokudo Mukuro seems to have already contaminated Hibari's chosen preys with his wretched prurience, there is one useful thing he can glean from this.

Yamamoto looks back at him curiously, head tilted. Hibari feels the corners of his mouth curl up into a smirk.

Yes, perhaps it's about time to get the low down on his eternal rival's fallacious claims.

"So," Hibari starts softly. "If you're to judge on pure physical talent, and take away the advantage of illusions…" He pokes a finger on Yamamoto's chest and leans down, eyeing the other boy with wicked intent. "Who's better? He or I?"

There are few things in life Yamamoto Takeshi would be struck speechless by. Getting hit in the throat by one of Squalo's sneaky elbow strikes is one. So is choking on a huge piece of otoro. Or that one time when he got mock-strangled by Gokudera for making that off-hand suggestion about a group shower with Tsuna.

Apparently, getting asked by Hibari Kyouya to judge his sexual prowess against his equally psychopathic rival is yet another one.

"Uhhh…." His grin falters as he tries to quickly think of a way to get out from between this proverbial rock and a hard place. Hibari's still looking at him with an intensity worthy of drilling holes through hard steel. Hibird has apparently gone back to its master's good graces and has nestled itself on Hibari's hair to join in the stare down.

Luckily he's saved from answering by the shrill ringing of his phone.

**0**

"Is Kyouya still giving you a hard time in school?" Dino asks, as a twitching Tsuna valiantly stares at his computer screen and hopes to whoever deity out there that one hundred seconds pass by faster. He almost punched himself in the face to cover his eyes the moment the meatspin video popped up. 93 seconds to go.

"Uh… no," Tsuna answers in a wobbly voice. "He's just being his usual scary self."

"Really? How many times has he bitten you this week?"

"I haven't really counted but uh… he bit me this afternoon for talking too loudly with Kyoko-chan in the corridors."

"Oh wow, that's great!"

"…"

Dino leans his arms on the top of Tsuna's computer chair, and rests his chin on them. "Don't you see Tsuna? He's gotten fond of you."

"...I think we're using a different definition of fond, Dino-san," Tsuna says dryly.

"No seriously, that's how he shows his affection," Dino insists. "It's tough love. Trust me, I know."

"…If you say so, Dino-san."

"Do you think he's hot?"

"I—what?"

"Just 23 seconds to go, lil bro. Kyouya. He's hot isn't he?"

"Huh? Um, sure, I guess." If he just stares at the timer instead of the ... meatspin, he'll get through this. Hopefully without having the urge to stab his eyes with a pencil afterwards.

Dino continues his casual interrogation. "Would you date him?"

The question startles Tsuna long enough for him to side-eye Dino. " I don't know, I'm not a girl."

"But don't you want to experiment?"

"I'm not gay Dino-san."

"Your spin count is 118 already Tsuna."

Tsuna shoots up from his seat so fast, Dino actually feels his jaw cracking when the top of Tsuna's head slams into his chin. The impact sends Tsuna back down on the chair, clutching his head, and sends Dino flailing not to fall on his ass, which results to him knocking the plate of Bianchi's cookies off the table...

... and onto Tsuna's lap. A beat of horrified silence follows, where both boys just stare at the gooey oozing mess rapidly become intimate with Tsuna's crotch, which is then broken by an unpleasant hissing sound.

Then Tsuna's crotch start to _smoke._

And then, pandemonium.

"Shitshitshit, Tsuna take off your pants!" Dino yells, the smarting pain on his chin forgotten as he pulls Tsuna to his feet.

Tsuna hastily grabs at his zipper, and discovers to his utmost horror, that it has _melted_. Some of the substance seeps through his fingers and he yelps, pulling his hand back sharply, and accidentally backhanding Dino across the nose.

"Ohmygod Dino-san, I'm sorry!" he wails, sweeping aside books and pencils from his desk to grab some tissues for Dino, whose nose started bleeding shortly after impact with Tsuna's knuckles.

Dino waves it away. "Never mind that, we have to safeguard your penis!" he replies through the blood dribbling down his nose and proceeds to attack Tsuna's pants with a pair of —dear god— _scissors._

The prospect of his manly pride and glory shrivelling via poison cooking pushes away Tsuna's lack of confidence in Dino's manual dexterity with sharp objects, and it is this thought and the years of training he had under Reborn that he manages to stay still as Dino works the fabric. Thankfully, despite the lack of his men, Dino manages to make a sloppy rip on the inseam of Tsuna's pants without cutting his thigh to ribbons.

The sound of Dino heroically tearing apart the smouldering denim of his pants is the sweetest sound Tsuna's ever heard in his life. He babbles grateful nonsense as his big brother helps him shimmy out of the accursed, ruined clothing. Upon cursory inspection, he also removes his boxers for good measure, modesty getting thrown out the window in the wake of his near-brush with chemical castration.

"Ooh, very nice Tsuna," Dino comments, winking approvingly at Tsuna's recently rescued manhood.

Tsuna blushes a flattering shade of scarlet, mumbling something about "Vongolabloodbenefits"

Dino grins victoriously. "This is the day where I have single-handedly saved the Vongola line from ending with you," he says, looking up at Tsuna as he absently tries to stem the flow of blood out his nose with a handkerchief. "All in a day's work for the Cavallone Tenth!"

Tsuna lets out a shaky laugh, as he slumps back against the headboard, his heartbeat slowly returning to acceptable speeds. Absently, he notes how wrong this whole situation probably looks, what with him sitting half-naked on the bed, and Dino kneeling in front of him with a bloody nose and obscene squelching sounds playing in the background.

Of course, that's when Gokudera slams the door open

**0**

"Calm down Gokudera, I'm sure Dino-san has a reasonable explanation why he ripped off Tsuna's pants," Yamamoto says, laughing into the phone. "He can't do anything to him, that's like incest or something."

"Give me that," Hibari growls, snatching the phone from Yamamoto's grasp. "Herbivore. Explain."

"Like fuck I'm telling you anything you bastard!" Gokudera snarls over the phone. "After that stunt you pulled last night? Give the phone back to the baseball idiot!"

"You will explain to me what is going on right now or Sawada will hear of some interesting things about your night time habits." Hibari is normally above blackmail, but right now, it's the fastest way to get Sawada's dog to shut up and cave. Yamamoto looks at him in surprise, but a small curious grin is making its way up his face.

There's some sort of choked, outraged noise at the other end of the line. "You're an asshole," Gokudera spits out, relenting, albeit with as much vitriol as humanly possible. "Fine. Your stupid teacher claims to have rescued the Tenth's legendary manhood from my sister's venomous pastries, but there's much evidence to suggest that he just went mad with depraved lust and tried to molest the Tenth after prolonged exposure to this disgusting website with the spinning penis."

"…" Hibari is not the type to show any kind of shock but he reckons it's acceptable for this kind of revelation.

_Midori Tanabiku Namimori yo~_

His own phone starts ringing, and he checks to see "Cavallone Dino" flashing across his screen. Without another word, he tosses Yamamoto's phone back to him, while simultaneously answering his own phone.

"Whatever it is Gokudera told you, it's not what you think it is." Dino sounds like he's been wrestling with cows and got his teeth handed to him. Good.

"It better not be, if you like your face the way it is."

"Kyouya, everything I did was for you. Understand that okay?"

"Yes," Hibari answers icily. "It's perfectly understandable that a Namimori High School teacher would molest a student in his own home for my sake."

"I wasn't molesting him! I was just helping him rip off his pants!"

"…"

"Because he's in the danger of getting chemically castrated!"

"…"

"By evil purple cookies!"

"…"

"And trust me Kyouya, it would be a_ crime_ against man and god to let Tsuna's magnificent Vongola cock go the way of the mmmph—"

Dino's abruptly cut off as his mouth seems to have been muffled by a hand, and the familiar, hysterical notes of Sawada's voice slowly floats through "… Dino-san, ohmygod, Hibari-san doesn't need to know about— hey Dino-san where are you—"

Dino seems to have escaped Tsuna and tripped his way into a separate room, if the sudden slamming of a door and the subsequent pounding are any indication. "Look, I was trying to prove that he can be gay for you," he continues, his voice seeming to echo in his chosen hideout, which indicates he probably sought shelter in Tsuna's bathroom. "He got past one hundred seconds in meatspin."

The ridiculous amount of surrealism in this entire conversation is making Hibari's head hurt. "You are not making any sense."

Before Dino can answer that though, there's the sound of a door getting kicked in, scrambling feet followed by a familiar crash, and a jarring clatter, which indicates that the phone has flown off somewhere, and Dino's picking his pathetic self off the floor again.

He hears some strange strangled sounds, and realizes they're from Sawada when his tired voice carries over the phone. "Gokudera-kun, you just split my bathroom door in two…"

"Don't worry Tenth, this sexual offender cannot escape us now!"

"I'm telling you I was saving Tsuna from becoming an X-man —"

"—How dare you call the Tenth a mutant!"

"Gokudera-kun…. my shower curtain…"

"Stop using my bag as a shield, you dirty old pervert!"

"Then stop attacking me with the curtain rod… hey, what's that beeping sound?"

"Beeping? Holy fuck did you just trigger my—"

Sawada's voice, now in the low pitch tones of boss mode, is impressive even over phone static. "Everyone out. Now."

There's the familiar whoosh of flame-reinforced flight, and the last thing Hibari hears is the sound of a terrific explosion. Then the line goes dead.

**0**

"… And then, I blocked Gokudera with his school bag, and then one of us somehow triggered the experimental megabomb hidden inside it and now Tsuna's homeless. Well, roomless more like it— the rest of the house is okay. Gokudera made that face like he doesn't know if he wants to kill himself or me; luckily, Tsuna stepped in and politely asked if he could sleep over at Gokudera's flat for the duration of the repairs. Gokudera brightened up so much, I swear I got lens flare on my glasses…"

Yamamoto wipes himself down with a towel as he listens to Dino's chatter over the speaker phone, several thoughts ricocheting inside his head. _Dino-san sounds tired. Today's sushi was exceptional. Must ask my dad to keep the new supplier. Have I washed my Hanshin Tigers shirt yet?_

"So anyway, what are you doing?" Dino asks, cutting through Yamamoto's wayward train of thought.

"Throwing some clothes on," Yamamoto replies distractedly, as he bends down to pull on a pair of boxers and winces, pain lancing up his back. Hibari is not a gentle partner, that's for sure. It's a good thing Tsuna's used to getting roughed up.

"Oh." Dino's voice turns a little breathless. "Uh that's… great. I mean, are you going out?"

"Huh? No, I'm just gonna watch a baseball game with my dad on the TV," Yamamoto answers, and rifles through his closet for a T-shirt._ Must schedule sparring with Dino-san soon. I wonder if Hibari's suffering the same back pain as I am. I hope Gokudera and Tsuna are okay._

"Wow, baseball. That's... cool." Dino clears his throat, getting a hold of himself, and resumes his story. "Anyway, I asked if I can come too, and Gokudera practically bit my head off, with the way he snapped at me… He's like a vicious little puppy snarling inside a cardboard box when he's angry. But uh, don't tell him I said that."

"Hahaha, yeah. He's pretty cute when he's angry," he says, and shrugs on the Tigers T-shirt he was looking for earlier. "Are you still at Tsuna's house?"

"No, I'm in the hotel now, Romario's patching me up – he had the foresight to pack extra medical kits, you know, he's so reliable."

"Mmm, good for you. Haha, that reminds me, I need to do some patching up myself." Spending four hours in Hibari's company always necessitates medical attention afterwards. Even if it's four hours of exploratory sex, as the rug burns on his knees indicate.

"Oh that's right!" Dino's tone takes a sharper turn. "I forgot to ask— how did it go with Kyouya?"

"Oh it went well." His whole day went well actually. _Got to school on time. Only got half the amount of verbal abuse from Gokudera because he's busy fussing over Tsuna. Perfect score on my P.E. test. Sex and sushi in copious amounts._ A very good day.

"Really? What did you guys do?"

_Gave each other wicked blowjobs. Screwed each other silly. Must've come like, ten times._ "Oh we just had a hands-on discussion about baseball," he finally says, and puts on some pants.

~tbc~

* * *

**Post A/N**: I wasn't planning on writing smut (even if it's crack smut) at all, but I guess it's unavoidable, given the premise of this fic. I had to rewrite it several times to still make it fit under an M rating, and not MA.

1827 fans, I'm sorry for the excessive levels of 8018/1880 in this chapter but I promise that the next update will have in-your-face 1827 (I had to cut it off this chapter for better pacing).

* * *

**Guest Review Replies:**

**HiBiRdEpIc:** Lol, if you're still wondering why everyone (except Hibari) is experienced in the way of beastly congress, just remember the title of this fic :p As for my vocabulary- I have dictionary word of the day RSS to thank for it. :p And like I said before, Hibari with an open biology textbook in front of him would be the king of highly specific, manhood-withering insults. AND OH YES. IZABARI. YES. I still want it and if no one writes it, I probably will. And I will NOT BE SORRY. XD

**Me-Anne:** Hey, you're back! Haha, I don't think the world is ready for a pure Enzilla/Enzio fic yet; not to mention the research I'll need to read up on to make it passable turtle porn would easily fill up my quota of mental scars for life. Yes my Yamamoto is a bit of a slut- but then again, so is Mukuro. And Dino. Such is the inevitable byproduct of being my top three favourite characters. As for D1880- I'm not sure I can pull it off, as it's not in the original blue print, so it's most likely a no. I hope the gratuitous 8018 in this chapter makes up for it though!

**Team Mukuro:** I literally LOL'd when I read the first line of your review- yes indeed, there's no name more apt for my 69th reviewer. You get a gold star for that- and for your incredibly ego-inflating review. And for suspiciously sounding like my brain twin. And for just being a fellow fan of our resident pineapply bag of dicks in general. Re: 6927 only option- Alas, this fic is advertised as 1827, so a 6927 only option is not going to be very fair. I have a separate 6927 fic in the works though, so I hope that will suffice?


	9. I'm Mr Coffee W An Automatic Drip

**A/N: **Aside from some 5927, and a _tiny_ bit of D1880 in this chapter, all chapters from here on will focus on the two main pairings so you don't have to worry about soldiering through pairings you loathe anymore. So yeah, this chapter contains porn of the 1827/2718 kind and unsubtle innuendo of the D80 kind. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 8:** **Please Turn Me On, I'm Mr. Coffee With An Automatic Drip**

"_The capital of the U.S.A. is what, Sawada?" Hibari questions casually, as if Tsuna isn't scrabbling for purchase on Hibari's oak desk, scattering papers and pens, and trying to stop himself from making shameful noises. He sees Hibari's translucent reflection on the window in front of him, horn-rimmed glasses perched daintily on his nose, laconic smirk stretched across his lips as he waits for Tsuna's answer. _

"_Umm… California?" Tsuna says, and whimpers when Hibari smiles wider, simultaneously pushing himself deeper into Tsuna, pressing the latter harder into the desk. _

_Tsuna bites his lip to keep from crying out when the edge of the desk bites at his hips. This is so unfair. What kind of bullshit punishment is this? Yes he accidentally set his teacher on fire, and okay, yes, maybe he shouldn't have ditched his classroom duties, but does it really merit something like this? Punitive measures are not supposed to go this far, given that the objective is discipline and not violation. _

_They're also not supposed to feel so embarrassingly good and make him cast serious doubt on his 'straight as a pole' sexuality. First Mukuro, and now Hibari. Does he have a neon sign on his back saying "Straight but fuckable, come abuse me?"_

"_Wrong. It's Washington D.C.," Hibari says, and gives Tsuna a resounding smack on the ass, making Tsuna gasp at the stinging but not entirely unpleasant sensation it leaves behind. Hibari briefly lifts his hand from Tsuna's hips to flip a page, but otherwise continues his languid thrusting. "Next. By what name is the city of Byzantium known as up until the early 20__th__ century?"_

"_Uh…" Tsuna tenses when Hibari shifts back, tantalizingly slow, almost pulling out completely. "Istanbul?"_

_Tsuna nearly howls when Hibari viciously slams himself all the way in, a brutal snap of his hips that sends flash-scatter lights in Tsuna's vision, his untouched cock leaking along the side of the desk. _

"_Deep," he chokes out, his knuckles white against the edges of the desk. "Hibari-san—" _

"—_Wrong again Sawada. It's Constantinople," Hibari says, sounding like he really can't give less of a fuck (pun not intended) about Tsuna's begging, even as Tsuna trembles beneath him. "Honestly, do you know nothing?"_

_But when he moves again, the pace is fractionally slower, and just a tad bit more careful, but it's enough to make Tsuna breathe out in relief. "I'm sorry Hibari-san," he says into the wood of the desk, spine undulating as his body becomes accustomed to Hibari's movements, pleasure dominating the pain once more. "I'll try harder next time."_

"_Trying is not good enough," Hibari declares, his pace remaining steady even as he continues his lecture. "You _will _do better. I refuse to allow you to sully the name of Namimori with your idiocy."_

"_Yes, okay," Tsuna gasps out, only vaguely aware of what he's agreeing to, his mind otherwise occupied with keeping his wanton moaning to a minimum; Hibari has shifted the angle of his thrusts, putting Tsuna at risk of turning even more stupid as new shocks of pleasure threaten to fry his brain. _

_All of sudden, Hibari stills, and Tsuna couldn't suppress the whine escaping his lips at the loss of stimuli. It's at that point that he concludes that he has to be some sort of confused, indecisive masochist, because here he is, getting simultaneously insulted and fucked from behind, and he actually doesn't want it to stop even though he's supposed to be completely into girls, and not into violent, sexy prefects who ought to be tried in criminal courts for sexual abuse. _

"_You have a long way to go, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari says. Tsuna's failed test papers flutter to the floor, as he feels both of Hibari's hands curve around his hips, slender fingers tracing along the crest of his hipbones with uncharacteristic gentleness. "So accept your punishment, as befits your transgressions."_

_Tsuna shivers; whether it's from fear or anticipation, he can no longer tell. He looks back at their reflection on the window, and sees Hibari baring his teeth into a feral smile, like a hunter about to deliver the coup de grâce to his quarry, and that's all the warning Tsuna gets. _

_Without preamble, Hibari thrusts into him again, descending into a pace better likened to fell beasts, each snap of his hips delivering the worst, most beautiful punishment Tsuna has ever taken into his body. Tsuna's head is spinning with the almost unbearable sensations firing up his spine, pressure slowly building deep in his belly, and he presses himself harder against the desk, in a desperate attempt to get some sort of friction against his cock._

_As if hearing his silent plea, Hibari leans down. "I'm not going to touch it," he says, threat and seduction moulding perfectly in one breath. Then he bends even lower, almost parallel to Tsuna's back – how does he do this and keep up the same punishing pace – and gooseflesh scatters across Tsuna's skin as he feels Hibari's mouth hovering near his neck. _

"_But you'll still come for me, won't you?" he breathes into Tsuna's ear before dragging his teeth along the slope of Tsuna's neck and biting down, hard, and that's the match to the tinder, as Tsuna's release surges violently out of him, his cries stifled by the skin of his arm. _

_Hibari rocks into him a few more times before he stills completely, the force of his own orgasm punctuated by a soft, extended exhale._

_Spent, Tsuna tries to catch his breath as Hibari slowly disengages himself._

"_Remember this and do better next time, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari announces, as he tucks himself back into his pants._

"_Yes Hibari-san." Tsuna whispers, before shakily lifting himself off the desk. When he's sure his knees are no longer in the danger of buckling beneath him, he turns around, only to have Hibari slam him back down on the desk, palm flat against his chest, uneven stacks of folders, pencils, and possibly wayward staple wires digging painfully into his back. The breath is knocked out of him, and he couldn't do anything more than gasp sharply when Hibari grabs his wrists and yanks them on either edge of the table. He only has a split second to realize that that flash of deep purple he spotted in the corner is _not_ a scarf, and he hears an audible click. _

_Oh. _Shit.

"_Hibari-san," he manages to squeak out, when Hibari picks up Tsuna's bag and rifles through it. "What are you—"_

"_—__Five minute break," Hibari interrupts coolly, and retrieves a fresh set of papers. He narrows his eyes at the slew of red marks and turns to give Tsuna a look that clearly conveys _'How could you be this stupid and survive'?

_But Tsuna has bigger things to worry about than embarrassment about his shitty test scores. Swallowing thickly, he struggles against the cuffs, but it's no use- he has absolutely no leverage like this, back uncomfortably bowed unless he lies completely still, his toes barely skimming the floor. _

_Hibari tosses the bag away, the offensive papers clenched tightly in one hand as he watches Tsuna's futile attempts to free himself from his box weapon, before moving forward to slide a leg between Tsuna's thighs and nudging them apart. There's an almost playful smile on his lips as he dips a finger on the sticky mess on Tsuna's stomach, and brings it to his mouth. Then, without breaking eye contact, Hibari slowly, _deliberately_ slips it past wet, pink lips, and _sucks.

_Tsuna couldn't stop his jaw from dropping. And with good reason too, as this is quite possibly the most obscene thing Tsuna has ever Hibari do. Then he blushes furiously, because his cock physically responds to this blatant seduction like a moth to a flame, twitching back to life. So much for refraction period._

_And of course, this does not escape Hibari's notice. He smirks, that arrogant bastard, and his icy blue eyes greedily run over the spectacle Tsuna's presenting to him— splayed legs, arms securely fastened to the legs of the desk, torn open shirt and flushed cheeks —like he's mentally calculating the many different ways he's going to debauch Tsuna on his desk until it breaks._

_Then, in one swift movement, he hooks his arms under Tsuna's knees and hoists him up, forcing Tsuna's head to hang over the edge of the table, Hibari's burgeoning erection pressing against the globe of his ass. _

_Oh god, he _is_**.**_

_Hibari's glasses gleam with an unholy light, and he licks his lips in a manner that has no business being as hot as it is, because Tsuna is really, seriously, honest-to-god not gay dammit, never mind that he just took (and will take) it up the ass- he was -__**is**__- serving a sentence, and the fact that it feels more like starring in his own private porno than a proper punishment is entirely coincidental. _

"_And then…" Hibari continues as he looms over Tsuna, his voice almost a purr in Tsuna's ear. "We're going over Biology next."_

**0**

Tsuna bolts upright, breathing hard, his back drenched with sweat, damp bangs plastered to his forehead.

What the_ hell_ was that? Did he seriously just dream about getting sodomized by Hibari Kyouya, and did he actually_ like_ it?

"Tenth are you okay?"

Gokudera's concerned voice, as well as the sudden yellow lamp light flooding the room, startles him, and he whips around, wondering what the heck Gokudera's even doing here, before remembering that this isn't his futon, this isn't his room and this certainly isn't his house.

He looks down and flushes a deep crimson as he realizes that he's still hard, and worse, _wet_ in more delicate places. Fantastic. His first night sleeping over and he just has to defile Gokudera's pristine 300-thread count quilts. A quick glance at Gokudera's red face tells him that Gokudera also noticed, and Tsuna immediately prays for a god, any god, to smite him where he sits.

"I'm _so_ sorry Gokudera-kun. Ohmygod, this is so embarrassing," he mumbles, hugging his knees to his chest and burrowing his face between them. "I'll wash the sheets myself."

"It's okay, Tenth," Gokudera says in the most placating voice he's capable of, which is to say, not much, but Tsuna appreciates the effort. "This kind of thing is perfectly normal!"

"I ruined your sheets."

"It'll wash off. Don't worry about it Tenth, this happens to me all the time."

Tsuna pretends he didn't hear that last bit. "Still, I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it," Gokudera repeats, smiling reassuringly as he rises up to turn on the lights. "Go get changed Tenth."

"Right," Tsuna mumbles. He stands up, conscious of the wet spot on his crotch and quietly pads over to his overnight bag. He sticks his hand in, feeling for his cotton boxers amidst the mess of shirts and pants. After a while, he frowns, and rummages some more. Finally, he panics, and proceeds to dump all his stuff on the floor. What are supposed to be his rabbit-patterned boxers have apparently been replaced with cow print briefs no wider than a fig leaf.

Goddammit Lambo.

Gokudera peers over his shoulder and Tsuna hurriedly closes his bag, effectively preventing Gokudera from adding another item to his long list of reasons why Lambo would better serve the family as target practice rather than an actual guardian. "You didn't bring any boxers Tenth?"

"… I must've neglected to pack them," Tsuna mutters through clenched teeth. He closes his eyes and slumps back against the wall, feeling gross. "I could just not wear any… I guess."

"Or you can have one of mine Tenth!"

Tsuna's eyes snap open. "Oh no, Gokudera-kun," he says, waving his hands nervously. "I couldn't, that would be imposing on you too much."

"Nonsense," Gokudera says, looking excited as he practically launches himself across the room towards his walk-in closet.

Tsuna relents, but only because he really doesn't fancy going commando in a world where he's always prone to getting shot at with a bullet that rips off all his clothes. "Well okay, you can just give me your rattiest pair or something," he calls out, as his self-proclaimed right hand man emerges from the closet, holding something shiny, and knowing Gokudera, probably expensive.

Gokudera's on cloud nine as he presents Tsuna a pair of boxers made of rich black and red silk, with the Armani insignia embossed on the bottom right.

_Armani_. Tsuna blinks, as the idea of designer underwear has never occurred to him. It doesn't make sense to wear something fancy when you don't really intend to show it to anyone, though he realizes he's in no position to make judgments on the benefits of respectable underwear, given that he frolicked around in boxers for the better part of this Dame-Tsuna years.

"Gokudera, don't you have anything less… fancy?" he says uncertainly. "I'm fine with just cotton or polyester—"

"Polyester?" Gokudera gasps, looking stricken, as if Tsuna suggested he go filch underwear off the scabrous hide of a hobo. "No no_ no,_ Tenth, no byproduct of petroleum should ever befoul the wondrous skin of your loins—" Tsuna makes a wheezing noise not unlike that of a strangled cat at that "—for it only deserves the finest and most exquisite of materials, spun from the threads of the healthiest silkworms —"

"I'll take it Gokudera-kun, thank you so much," Tsuna interrupts and hastily grabs the boxers from his friend's outstretched hand, before Gokudera could further extol the virtues of Tsuna's embarrassingly leaky penis and cause him to spontaneously combust from mortification.

He hurries over to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him. He sees his flushed, panicked face in the mirror and immediately recoils from it, his eyes landing everywhere except on his own reflection. Pathetic. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror. He leans back against the door, closes his eyes, and immediately, an image of Hibari in glasses fills his mind's eye, and he feels his traitorous cock stir up.

This is bad. There's only one way to avoid this.

With grim determination, he shoves himself into Gokudera's expensive boxers, places his soiled ones in a plastic bag, and swings the door open. "I have another favour to ask, Gokudera-kun," he says, hating himself a little for having to resort to Gokudera again.

Gokudera beams, like Tsuna just asked him to see the world from behind the fishbowl windows of a flying saucer. "For you Tenth, I would blow up the moon!"

"Er, nothing that extreme… "

Gokudera leans forward, waiting eagerly. "Then what is it?"

Tsuna takes a deep breath. This is it.

"I just want to ask if you can tutor me in World Geography?" he asks, fidgeting with his T-shirt as he gauges his friend's reaction. Then as an afterthought, he adds: "And uh… Biology?"

If Gokudera is a little confused about this bizarre request, he doesn't show it, only too happy to be of use to his boss. "Of course Tenth!"

Tsuna breathes out a sigh of relief. Gokudera has his quirks but there's no other person Tsuna can trust more to come to his aid with no questions asked. "Thanks Gokudera-kun," he whispers, and smiles gratefully at him.

Then, unwittingly, he goes for extreme overkill, and utters those three little words that have always figured prominently in Gokudera's wildest fantasies:

"You're the best."

Needless to say, there will be two sheets that will need washing the next day.

* * *

"_I'm not an herbivore. Not anymore."_

_Sawada Tsunayoshi looks older, taller, more dignified, even with his white suit unbuttoned, his dress shirt untucked, and his tie hanging loosely around his neck. _

_Hibari is older and taller too. His hair is shorter, wilder, and the suit he wears is tidy, crisp and dark as night. "And why not?" _

"_I'm a leader now. I take responsibility over my people," Sawada answers, as he approaches Hibari with steady, measured steps. "My territories stretch far and wide. And I am strong when it matters."_

_Hibari looks up at him coolly from beneath his lashes. "You are still a pack animal."_

_Sawada chuckles, a musical yet masculine sound that pleases Hibari's ears. "Yes. But I can be the fiercest predator you've ever encountered," he says softly, leaning close, fingers reaching out to cautiously thumb the end of Hibari's tie. "If you'll let me."_

_Powerful, arrogant, and yet not so foolhardy as to take without permission. Hibari feels lust and excitement thrumming in equal measures beneath his skin, and he leans back casually against his leather armchair. "Then show me."_

_Sawada grins and complies. He undresses slowly, popping open the buttons of his dress shirt one by one, before peeling each sleeve off his arm. His hands then land on his belt, unbuckling it and pulling it off with short, forceful tugs, letting it clatter on the floor. The neatly pressed pants follow, falling to a heap at Sawada's feet. He keeps his boxers on however, but Hibari doesn't mind. It will join the rest of their clothes sooner or later. _

_Hibari studies Sawada with unashamed interest, eyes raking over the lithe muscles, the long, coltish limbs imbued with hidden power, and the thin scars that decorate his skin like medals. Ten years into the future, and Sawada's body has transformed from a scrawny bag of flesh and bones to a powerful weapon wrapped in human skin._

"_I'll show you my strength," Sawada says, and with a sweep of his hand, Hibari's suit rips apart, sky flames curling around the edges and leaving only the mildest burn marks, tiny pin pricks of pain that make Hibari's cock throb painfully beneath his pants. _

"_I'll show you my speed," Sawada continues, and in a flash, his knees are clamped around Hibari's thighs, the chair creaking under the new distribution of weight, his arousal pressing insistently into Hibari's own, making Hibari involuntarily buck up his hips at the sudden friction. _

"_I'll show you my claws," Sawada whispers, calloused hands running over the planes of Hibari's hips, nails scraping over the peaks of Hibari's nipples, palms curving around Hibari's wrists._

"_I'll show you my fangs," Sawada breathes, rocking forward and running his teeth along the cartilage of Hibari's ear, tongue flicking the spot behind Hibari's earlobe._

_Hibari tilts his head back, light-headed with the swift and deadly sensations Sawada stirs within his body. Then he hisses, when Sawada's mouth descends and closes sharply on the juncture of his neck and shoulder, not deep enough to break skin, but hard enough to leave a mark. _

_Hibari growls and yanks Sawada back by the throat. "What do you think you're doing?"_

"_Marking my territory," Sawada answers calmly, even as Hibari's thumb presses a warning on his jugular. "That's what carnivores do, right?"_

_Hibari narrows his eyes, indignation rising in his chest at Sawada's temerity. "I belong to no one," he says coldly. Then before Sawada can reply, he removes his hand from Sawada's throat, and leans forward to swiftly bite down, taking satisfaction at the cry of pain the action elicits. _

"_But you," Hibari says with a wicked smile, as he moves back, licking a spot of blood off his lips. "You belong to _me."

_Sawada touches the wound on his neck and stares at the blood on his fingers with more fascination than dismay. __Hibari never realized it's possible to be simultaneously aroused and irritated until Sawada just meets his eyes unblinkingly, showing a decided lack of fear._

_This won't do. So Hibari plants a hand on Sawada's chest and roughly shoves him off. "Kneel," he demands._

_Sawada looks at him, as if in consideration, and Hibari tenses, ready to lash out at any sign of resistance, but finds that he doesn't need to, when Sawada does as he's told, settling himself between Hibari's knees, hands already working to free Hibari's cock from its confines._

_Hibari plants his feet wide, grabs Sawada by the hair, and pulls him forward, simultaneously nudging his cock past Sawada's lips. "Take it."_

_Sawada's eyes flicker up to hold Hibari's gaze before obeying, a smooth forward motion that sends a torrent of pleasure up Hibari's spine, so much that he couldn't suppress the sharp intake of breath at the shock of it. Sawada's throat muscles clench around the tip of his cock, and Hibari's grip in Sawada's hair tightens._

_And then—_

** 0 **

Hibari is woken up by a thousand bolts of excruciating pain, and his eyes shoot open to see Hibird quizzically staring down at him, perched on a rather unorthodox place. That unorthodox place being Hibari's rather impressive morning wood. Where Hibird's tiny sharp talons are currently digging into it in a way that would make even the manliest of men shriek and roll around in agony as their miserable, impotent lives flash before their eyes.

But this is Hibari Kyouya, a beast among men, with nerves of steel and balls of fucking adamantium. Besides, his pain threshold has been significantly heightened with that stunt Yamamoto Takeshi pulled this afternoon. And so, he does not scream.

"Hibird. Off," Hibari commands, gritting his teeth as Hibird tightens its grip right before cheerfully taking off, its shrill twittering suddenly sounding much more aggravating in Hibari's ear.

Hibari sits up, waits for the pain to subside, and takes his current situation into account. His shirt is plastered to his back, perspiration is coating the hollow of his throat, and his bangs are damp against his forehead. And the state of his boxers...

He wrinkles his nose, the faint scent of chlorine assailing him, and realizes to his great dismay, that his thrilling dream has actually produced a hormonal discharge of unsavoury nature here in reality. Annoyed that such a human biological reaction is causing him such a great inconvenience, Hibari gets off the bed and proceeds to the bathroom, peeling his clothes off along the way.

To say that he's disappointed that it's all a dream is an understatement. He feels cheated. The thrill of dominating the force of nature who is Sawada Tsunayoshi felt so real, he could practically taste it. If that's the type of predator Sawada Tsunayoshi would become in the near future, then Hibari no longer has any compunctions about staking his claim.

He turns on the shower to the coldest setting and sets it to full blast. Icy water beats down his back, and he shivers, the heat of his body slowly giving way to the cold.

He needs to act faster. Perhaps it's high time he takes things into his own hands.

* * *

The universe does not oblige him with this, sadly, as the next day finds Hibari in the unwanted company of both Yamamoto Takeshi and Cavallone Dino, who have sat him down and started talking to him about ridiculous, presumptuous things like Hibari's foray into the messier aspects of puberty.

"Oh my gosh Kyouya, you're having wet dreams now!" Dino gushes, looking like he really wants to risk death by ruffling Hibari's hair, and prudently restraining himself. "My little student is finally growing up!"

"I don't see how this is any of your business," Hibari snaps, wondering how in the world these two smiling morons even got wind of his private affairs.

Yamamoto laughs. "We know, but we're supposed to be monitoring your progress right?"

Hibari glowers at him. "Know your place Yamamoto Takeshi, and do not presume to understand me."

Dino waves this off, like the brain-damaged fool that he is. "Look, Kyouya, we really understand what you're going through, trust me," he says earnestly, looking like an overly concerned parent chastising his rebellious child. "And I'm saying it's nothing to be ashamed of. Why, when I was your age, I had a bad case of porn-eye. Like, everything looked like genitalia. My mother's cactus, the faucet, my computer mouse- heck, I even saw patterns in my cocoa puffs!"

"Haha, I had that phase too," Yamamoto volunteers. "It made playing baseball very awkward for a few weeks."

"See?" Dino says, beaming at Yamamoto's unflagging support. "So what you're feeling is okay!"

Hibari's patience is dwindling dangerously to negative levels. "When did I ever say it wasn't?"

"Well... never," Dino admits, though the inquisitive sparkle in his eyes does not dim one bit. He taps his chin thoughtfully, before fixing Hibari a look that cannot possibly lead to anything good. "But if you think you're ready, then you'll just need to take one last final exam."

"Hands on, of course," Yamamoto supplements, before daring to wink at him.

Hibari stares incredulously at both of them. "I don't even take exams in this school and you expect me to take one of yours?"

"It's a practical exam!" Dino insists. "Sort of a synthesis of what you know."

"Yeah, think of it as the final hurdle!" Yamamoto says.

"My finals will be with Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari growls, and then realizes a second too late that he's starting to talk like these two idiots, to his utmost horror. He wonders if there's a rule in the student handbook punishing teachers for spreading their contagious stupidity to school authorities such as himself.

"But you know, in some parts of the world, suitors would normally go through the siblings of the object of their interest first as a sign of dedication," Dino insists, undeterred.

Hibari grits his teeth, the familiar urge to commit unspeakable amounts of violence simmering dangerously inside him. "How about _no_."

Dino pouts prettily, failing in his attempts to appear hurt by Hibari's refusal. "Aww but Kyouya, we were actually hoping to give you a _challenge_ and ask you to take on _both_ of us." The emphasis he put on certain words does not escape Hibari.

"I mean, if you can handle it," Yamamoto adds nonchalantly.

Hibari is, frankly, insulted. Do they actually believe that he would fall for such obvious and shameless baiting? Snarling, he opens his mouth to tell them off as such when another idea occurs to him. He pauses, then takes a deep breath instead and leans back against the couch. "Che, of course, I can handle both of you."

Dino's expression brightens up, like he just struck gold, and is about to say some other inane rubbish when Hibari adds:

"…At the same time, even."

Yamamoto and Dino's sunny smiles freeze for a second and they exchange an uncertain glance.

Hibari taps his foot impatiently. "Well?"

"I'm in if you're in," Yamamoto says.

"Oh I'm in," Dino says, already tugging his jacket off. "I am _so_ in."

Hibari stands up, shrugs off his gakuran and smirks. "Then, shall we begin?"

* * *

One hour, three wrecked bookshelves, and a half-burnt carpet later, Yamamoto ends up limping to the infirmary with a delirious Dino slung over his shoulder.

"When you said "go through the older siblings," I didn't actually think he'd take it literally," Yamamoto says.

"How come he doesn't beat you up as much as he does me?" Dino complains, wincing as Yamamoto's shoulder accidentally brushes against a tender bruise.

"He said I needed to be able to carry you to the medical ward."

"Why can't I be the one to do the carrying?"

"Beats me."

"Bad joke. God. I think I'm going to need a new tattoo to cover up the number he did on my back. Owwww…"

"Yeah, after it heals," Yamamoto says.

Tsuna and Gokudera encounter them on the way and the former nearly drops his books. "Ohmygod, what happened to you?"

"Hibari," Yamamoto answers, and Tsuna's eyes soften in sympathy, though Gokudera is mouthing "Serves you right" at Dino, and quickly pulling on a pinched, vaguely concerned expression when Tsuna turns his way.

"But Shamal won't treat them, right?"

"No he won't," Gokudera confirms with a little bit too much enthusiasm.

Tsuna sighs and runs a hand through his unkempt hair. "… I'll call Nii-san."

Dino groans. "Please."

Tsuna nods, and shoots them one last worried glance before taking off to the upperclassmen's floors, Gokudera at his heels.

Medical assistance somewhat ensured, Yamamoto resumes their trek. "Hibari takes all spars very seriously."

"That was not a spar," Dino grumbles. "In a spar, we have a whole empty field or roof, and he uses his tonfa while I use my whip. What happened earlier is a pre-emptive strike in a room filled with obstacles, where we had to improvise with physics textbooks while he attacked us with a staple gun. "

"Haha, well you can't deny he's rather resourceful."

"But that's not the point! The point is, I wasn't ready for a spar," Dino grouses, scowling, and would've kicked at the ground, if his feet isn't being dragged across it. "I was expecting, you know… a spit roast."

Yamamoto tilts his head curiously. "A what?"

"You know, a Kyouya sandwich."

"Haha, did the cafeteria staff name one of their snacks after Hibari?"

"… You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?"

Yamamoto shrugs, and remains quiet, making Dino feel like one of those losers in parties whose carefully set-up jokes are only met with awkward, mocking silence.

Then, after a while, he looks at Dino sideways, eyes twinkling. "Well," he muses slowly, "I was actually aiming for an Eiffel Tower [1]. If we can get away with it."

Dino stares. Oh wow, Yamamoto did _not_ just pull a fast one on him. "You know what an Eiffel tower is?"

Yamamoto grins cheekily, confirming Dino's suspicions. "Yeah. But I doubt we can pull it off with Hibari."

Dino snorts. "No shit. We might as well wrap ourselves in raw meat and jump in the path of a starving wolf pack."

"Yeah, it's pretty much suicidal," Yamamoto agrees, before looking up thoughtfully. "But if we did though, man, that would be pretty—"

"—Epic," Dino finishes for him.

Yamamoto stops walking and they look at each other again. His eyes are crinkling around the corners, donning that usual sparkle, like he's eternally amused with the world, and Dino's pulse spikes unnaturally, even though he's seen that same look a hundred times before.

Then Yamamoto laughs, light and easy, and Dino, despite all the aches and pains blooming on his body, couldn't help it. He laughs too.

* * *

After carefully filing the damage costs to his good office and addressing the bill to Dino Cavallone, Hibari leaves the committee to handle the necessary clean up as he goes to do his perfunctory rounds around the school. He spots his first victim two minutes in.

"Sawada Tsunayoshi."

Tsuna jumps up at the sound of Hibari's voice and he turns around so quickly, some of the papers he's holding fall onto the floor.

Hibari steps forward and picks up the fallen papers. "Loitering in the upper class corridors is forbidden," he says, and studies the paper in his hand.

He hears an audible gulp. "S-Sorry Hibari-san, I just really need to get Onii-san to help out Dino-san and Yama—."

"—A 70 on world geography," Hibari remarks, ignoring Sawada's stuttering. "Not bad, but could be better."

"I will do better next time Hibari-san," Tsuna immediately says. "In um, biology too!"

"Biology." Hibari peers at Tsuna from over the top of the paper. "Are you having trouble with that too?"

For some odd reason, Tsuna turns beet red at this. "Just a little," he mumbles, keenly avoiding Hibari's gaze.

Interesting. Hibari decides to investigate further. "What's your current lesson on this, Sawada?"

"Um… reproductive system," Tsuna answers timidly, eyes stubbornly fixed on the books in his arms.

"I see." Hibari steps closer, and Tsuna stumbles back, eyes wild with panic, as he succeeds in plastering himself against the wall. Hibari smirks, delighted with his prey's amusing reactions, and slams a hand beside Tsuna's head, leaning in. "What exactly are you having trouble with?"

Tsuna stares back at him, looking equal parts terrified and bewildered, but before he can reply, intervention comes in the form of the other, louder guardians.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, YOU BASTARD!"

"THAT IS EXTREMELY GAY HIBARI!"

Tsuna immediately panics as Hibari already readies his tonfa in his hands to give Ryohei and Gokudera's face some visceral attention. He further shocks himself by actually dropping his books and twisting around to bodily_ block_ Hibari. "No Hibari-san, please."

"Out of the way, Sawada Tsunayoshi," Hibari snarls, raising his weapons threateningly.

Tsuna pushes down his fear and remaining survival instincts and stands his ground. "Dino-san and Yamamoto need Onii-san," he pleads, then quickly wrenches his head around just enough to visually communicate to Gokudera the urgent need to get himself and Ryohei away from the premises ASAP. Gokudera looks torn at the prospect of leaving Tsuna behind as a sacrifice to Hibari's wrath, but in the end, he just shoots Hibari one last vicious glare, and tugs Ryohei away.

The corridor is silent, and Tsuna looks around. Everyone is looking at him like he's some sort of deranged lunatic. That's when he realizes that he's not only crowding Hibari, he's _hugging_ him.

He wonders why he hasn't been defenestrated off the building yet.

Hibari grunts, and Tsuna immediately extricates himself, nearly falling on his ass in his haste to put some distance between them. Hibari glares at him, the threat of violence still lingering on his person, barely contained.

_Oh god I'm going to die_. "You know Gokudera-kun, he's just really protective of me," he babbles, in a bid to buy more time before he meets his inevitable fate as the latest tonfa depository. "And I'm sure Nii-san didn't mean anything bad by what he said."

"I am not concerned with what he said," Hibari answers impassively. "No yelling in the corridors."

"Oh," Tsuna says feeling rather foolish. He's surprised that he has to convince himself that he's not disappointed with that reasoning either, considering how mortified he had been at Ryohei's lack of subtlety. "Well then I'm sorry, Hibari-san." He bows his head, wrings his hands, and utters the words to what he's pretty sure is a voluntary death sentence. "I'll just take their intended punishment, if that's okay."

For a moment, Hibari just stares at him, eyes slightly widening with an emotion Tsuna cannot decipher. Tsuna would've relished being able to surprise the unflappable Hibari Kyouya if he wasn't inwardly quaking in abject terror.

Finally, Hibari flicks his tonfa back under his sleeves, and looks away. "There is no need," he says, face back to its regular haughtiness. "Get back to class, Sawada."

Tsuna couldn't believe his luck, and he releases the breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Uh, thank you Hibari-san," he says, before inching away, past experience telling him to leave before Hibari changes his mind. His steps noticeably gain speed as he gets farther away from his prickly cloud guardian.

"However," Hibari adds all of a sudden, and Tsuna freezes, as he turns back around to look at Hibari.

One corner of Hibari's lips curls into a half-smile that could only be described as _foreboding._ "We'll discuss your troubling marks another time."

Tsuna falls down the stairs.

* * *

As predicted, Shamal takes one look at them, frowns at their disgusting appearance of _man_, and promptly goes back to his latest hentai manga. "Don't use the nice bed on the left, Rika-chan's coming over for a massage to ease her menstrual cramps," he calls out.

Yamamoto carefully deposits Dino on the farthest corner of the room, and starts dabbing antisepctic on the Cavallone boss' latest collection of prefect-induced injuries. Yamamoto's hands are sure and steady, applying the same concentration he employs in his katas for patching Dino up. It feels very nice, and completely different from when Romario does it, and Dino thinks he might not mind getting his ass kicked around if it means Yamamoto would ostentatiously lay his skillful hands on him as a consequence. Then, Yamamoto asks him to remove his shirt, and he feels a flutter of giddiness in his stomach.

Man, he's got it_ bad._

"If you need a proper spar, my offer still stands," Yamamoto mentions casually, as he carefully wraps bandages around Dino's chest.

Dino's starry haze dissipates, and his aches and pains come rushing back. He groans and shakes his head. "No, I don't think so. It's going to be ages before I even think about sparring. I still can't feel my legs."

A flicker of confusion passes through Yamamoto's eyes, but it's gone as quickly as it came. "Haha, of course Dino-san," he says reassuringly, though his smile doesn't reach his eyes. "I understand." He quickly knots the bandage and snips the end off with a cutter. Then he sits up, shoulders stiff and tense, and averts his eyes to his hands, as if undecided with what to do with them.

Dino's brow furrows at Yamamoto's suddenly clinical movements. And then realization suddenly strikes him like a sledgehammer. _Ohmygod, I'm an idiot._ "Yamamoto—"

"—I'm going to get more bandages," Yamamoto interrupts and hurriedly stands up.

"… Okay," Dino whispers, suddenly feeling very small. He hears Yamamoto clunking around the medicine cabinet, followed shortly by the familiar decibels of Sasagawa Ryohei. He fidgets in his seat, fighting the urge to bang his head repeatedly on the wall for his stupidity. Damn, did Kyouya hit him so hard, his brain deoxygenated?

After a short while, he hears a noise and he looks up to see Ryohei stepping inside, who immediately does a double take upon catching sight of Dino's battered self.

"Whoa. That's a pretty EXTREME beating, Dino-san!" Ryohei says.

Dino could only shrug weakly, but he brightens up when Yamamoto comes back into view from behind the divider. "Yama—"

"—Senpai's here, so I'm going back to class okay?" Yamamoto says, waving cheerfully and walking away before he can even finish his farewells. "I'll see you in class Dino-sensei. Get well soon!"

Dino stares miserably at the space where Yamamoto was just standing. "Goddamit, this is all Kyouya's fault."

"Hibari is an extreme man," Ryohei agrees, and brings out his tools of extreme healing.

**0**

Thanks to Ryohei's enthusiastic and extreme assistance, Dino's up and ready to conduct class after an hour of direct exposure to sun flames. "Everyone," he says to the room at large. "Kindly bring out your homework so I can see how adverbs agree with you."

As notebooks are opened, and pens clatter, he scours the faces of his students: the girls looking at him with stars in their eyes, Gokudera's heated glare, Tsuna's nervous smile, and Yamamoto's...

… total lack of opinion because his eyes are fixed on his desk instead.

Dino smile becomes a bit more strained, guilt and self-deprecation once again settling in his chest but he pushes it away, determined to be professional about this. "Right, does anyone want to volunteer to read his or her essay?"

Several girls immediately raise their hands. Dino's about to call one of them when Yamamoto finally looks up at him, and hesitantly, raises his own hand. Dino, not wanting to mess up a second time, immediately calls him. "Let's hear it, Yamamoto."

Yamamoto stands up, and scratches the back of his head before turning to his essay. "Summer is my most favourite season," he reads aloud. "The weather man said that today probably holds the highest temperature for the year. So today, I am exceedingly hot."

_Yes. Yes you are_, Dino agrees, before mentally slapping himself.

"But that won't stop me from doing well in my favourite activities, baseball and kendo. Because I really can't go one day without firmly gripping either a sword or a bat in my hands and striking home."

Okay, good example, if not a bit suggestive, but nothing Dino cannot handle. Though just to be safe, he discreetly makes his way back to his chair, where any possible anatomical mishaps will be safely hidden behind the teacher's desk.

"However, baseball and swordfighting make me very sweaty and super sticky."

Okay, _now_ Yamamoto is doing this on purpose, he's sure of it. Reborn's protégé is a devious man.

"To cool down, I sometimes get ice cubes and lightly run them over my skin."

Devious _and_ dangerous man.

"Other times, I buy a vanilla popsicle and lick it very slowly to make it last."

Devious, dangerous and _delicious_ man. Dino gulps, and slaps a hand on his thigh to keep it from bouncing. What kind of heinous crime did he do in his past life to deserve such sweet and thorough torment such as this? He focuses his attention on the lesson plan on his desk, letting Yamamoto's words wash over him, not caring that he's not doing his job anymore, if it means valiantly refusing to let his ears deliver more obscene imagery directly to his brain.

"… and that's why summer is my favourite."

He doesn't realize that Yamamoto has ended his speech and is looking to him for comments, until he looks back up and notices Gokudera's incredulous glare, Tsuna's look of dawning comprehension, and the dreamy expressions Yamamoto is absorbing from half the female students in the room. Dino hastily wipes off his own dreamy look, adjusts his glasses and clears his throat, professional mode back on.

"Good job, Yummymoto." _Fuck._ "I mean Yama. Yamamoto."

Yamamoto smiles modestly. "Thanks, sensei," he says, his face a near-perfect mask of cluelessness, though his eyes, as usual, belie a subtle challenge.

Luckily, it's a challenge Dino has no qualms accepting. He grips the edge of the desk, and stares unblinkingly into Yamamoto's calculating gaze. "Your sentence composition could be improved though," he says coolly. Then he plays _his_ hand.

"See me after class."

Yamamoto's smile widens, and he sits back down, looking totally pleased with himself.

"Yes, sensei."

~tbc~

* * *

[1] Basically a spit roast with the two guys on either side doing a high five. If you still don't get it, look it up in Urban Dictionary.

**Post A/N: **I'm running low on inspiration for this fic, mostly because my writing mojo has recently shifted to writing angst for my other fics and partially because Mukuro's no longer in the picture, and he's the character I can effortlessly write forever. So yeah, the next update may take a while. I will finish this fic though, worry not.

* * *

**Replies to Guest Reviews:**

**HiBiRdEpIc:** Well, I hope the 1827 lives up to your tastes. And really, you don't know how happy it makes me that you're not particular about the pairings of this fic, because I'm pretty much on the same boat. I'm all for Vongolorgy. Haha, I'll see about the IzaBari fic. But thank you for your support!

**Team Mukuro:** I miss Mukuro too. He'll show up again, believe me, just not sure when. And yeah, regarding Hibari and Tsuna's ding-a-ling, that's exactly what I'm implying. :D Thank you for the lovely comment as usual.


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